They say that roaches are such resilient creatures that they are one of the few species thought to be able to survive a global nuclear fallout. I contest that they are not that resilient, and that humans are just too stupid to figure out how to permanently exterminate them. I present, as evidence of my theory, the following conversation with the leasing manager of my apartment complex.
The set-up: I was having issues with roaches in my apartment. Three times, I requested to have my apartment bombed, and three times, they did not bomb.
Me: John, they didn’t bomb again. You assured me they would bomb, and they didn’t bomb.
John: They didn’t do it? Lemme look here… where is that book? Hmmmm… no, they did it. It says right here, they inspected and sprayed.
Me: Look, John, stop right there. You and I know that “inspect and spray” is not the same thing as bombing. I asked for the bomb, you wrote down bomb, and you posted a notice on my door that said bomb. Please don’t try to pretend that they bombed, when you know they didn’t bomb. Just own up to it, say you dropped the ball, and fix the problem.
John: Well I wasn’t here yesterday.
Me: I know you weren’t here. And I don’t expect you to miss your day off, but it’s not unreasonable to expect you to delegate the task to someone else. Especially when you told me you would personally make sure it got done after the first two times they didn’t do it.
John: I think you need to talk to Jason, the Property Manager.
Me: Why do i need to do that?
John: Because I’ve done everything I could do on my end.
Me: John, you just told me you weren’t here yesterday, so how did you do everything on your end?
John: Well I think you should talk to Jason. You would have more chance of getting what you want.
Me: But I just told you what I want. I want them to bomb. What would prevent you from conveying my request to Jason?
John: I don’t understand the problem. You live right next to the office, what’s the big deal? Just come in and talk to Jason.
Me: Well, John, you WORK in the office with Jason. So technically, if proximity is the issue, then you’re closer. In fact, you LIVE above the office, so again, YOU’RE closer. What is so difficult about telling Jason, that I want to have my apartment bombed?
John: Look, Eric, Jason is a nice guy. Just come in here tomorrow, and tell him that you asked to have your apartment bombed three times and…
Me: I KNOW WHAT I WOULD SAY TO JASON BECAUSE I’M SAYING IT TO YOU!!!! AND OBVIOUSLY MY METHOD OF COMMUNICATING DOESN’T WORK BECAUSE I CAN’T GET ANYONE TO LISTEN TO ME!!! SO WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TELL JASON I WANT MY APARTMENT BOMBED?!?!
John: I think the problem is the exterminator didn’t notice sufficient enough activity to bomb. It says in his notes that he only noticed a few dead roaches.
Me: They were dead BECAUSE I KILLED THEM!!! They were “ACTIVE” immediately before I did that!!! And why must I have to live like a slob with food, filth, and roaches everywhere in order to get my apartment bombed? Please tell me!!! Why can’t I just get my apartment bombed?!?!
John: I think you should talk to Jason about that.