Hey check me out, I’m in a YouTube commercial for Earnhardt Ford in Chandler, AZ!
Hey check me out, I’m in a YouTube commercial for Earnhardt Ford in Chandler, AZ!
Oatmeal is 2 years old, and enjoys eating, napping, scratching stuff, and kneading. She’s also very good at meowing, shedding, and pooping (a little too good at pooping if you ask me.)
Oatmeal tested positive for Feline Leukemia , which means she may or may not live a long time, but she will have a very nice life while she’s here.
Wait. What did he just say? I think this guy is going to regret this interview for the rest of his life.
Tomorrow is the final day of my No Hat 30 Day Challenge. I would love to say that I achieved some sense of enlightenment or freedom that had been previously shielded by my hat, but that was far from the case. After 29 days without my brimmed yarmulke, I’m ready to glue it back on permanently. I just didn’t feel or look like myself the entire time. I guess the only positive thing I can take away from the experience is just the satisfaction of following through on a commitment.
For my next 30 day challenge, I will be meditating for 10 minutes every day. Why? I don’t know. I guess I’m just curious what 10 minutes of mind clearing can do for a person. I don’t intend to explore the spiritual aspect of meditation, but if I happen to be transported to another level of consciousness, I will let you know.
UPDATE: I failed miserably at this challenge. Meditation must be for people who have so much going on in their lives, they need the silence and serenity to keep themselves balanced. My life is filled with solitude, silence, and nothingness; so technically, I’m meditating all the time. Scheduling time to do more nothing proved to be a bit too redundant for my liking. On to the next challenge.
We need more government officials like this:
Last month, I decided to take on a 30 day challenge. For 30 days I refrained from viewing any adult material nor did I participate in any activity associated with viewing said material. It goes without saying it was extremely hard (pun intended.) I made it through, however, and I believe I am now a better man for doing so.
By the way… day 31… RIDICULOUS!
Anyway, my courageous act of selfless restraint seems to have inspired my co-workers to take on their own 30 day challenges. Each person chose one specific thing to do (or not to do) over the course of the next 30 days that would, in some way, have a positive impact on their lives. I am going to participate as well, but this time I’m choosing to do something a bit less… um… personal.
For the next 30 days, I will not wear a baseball cap. Ever since I was given control of what I could wear on my head, I have worn a hat. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, I have a hat on my head. Some nights I even wear it to bed. In fact, I don’t think I’ve even had a job where I couldn’t wear a hat.
Although I’m not bald. my hat is definitely an accessory, without which, I’d feel naked. I’d like to think that going hatless for 30 days will not only prove to myself that I am not a slave to my hat, but also, I hope that it allows people to see a more genuine side of me.
I’m not going to bore you with daily updates of what it’s like to not wear a hat. I wouldn’t even read my own blog if I did that. I will, however, fill you in 30 days from now. Wish me luck!
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, here are my co-workers’ 30 day challenges (using initials to protect their privacy):
A – Post a blog at least 3 times per week.
R – Do some form of exercise for at least 5 minutes per day.
K – Do not wear pants to work. Only dresses and skirts.
D – No ponytail at work.
Two weeks ago I went to As You Wish Pottery and painted a coffee mug. It was the first time I painted anything remotely artistic since maybe high school. I have to say, I am immensely proud of the end result.
My masterpiece was inspired by my favorite photo of my cat, who passed away early this year. She loved to spend time out in the back yard, under the tree, and make squeaky chatter noises at the birds.
Check out the photos below. How can that mug not put a smile on your face?
I got an email today from my hosting company informing me that AOL is complaining about receiving excessive spam from one of my email email addresses. AOL? Who the heck still uses AOL? While I firmly believe those dinosaurs who insist on clinging to AOL deserve to receive as much spam as possible, the fact of the matter is, I have not been intentionally spamming anyone with any of my email accounts.
After a brief investigation, I discovered that the culprit was none other than the “Subscribe to Comments” plug-in, in the library, with a candlestick. You’re off the hook this time, Colonel Mustard, but I still have my eye on you!
Anyways, because comment bots were checking on the “Subscribe to Comments” checkbox, the plug-in was sending out hundreds of opt-in verification emails.
I have since added an invisible captcha feature to the site, but there’s no way for me to test to see if it’s working without risking having my account suspended. So, I uninstalled the Subscribe to Comments plug-in for now, and will revisit the issue again in the future if I ever get more readers other than Kevin Spencer and my family.
UPDATE: The invisible captcha plug-in caused war to break out in the Middle East, so I had to uninstall it. To verify you are flesh and blood and not an agent of the system, you must now solve a simple math problem before submitting comments. Sorry about the additional step, but if we allow spammers free reign, it will cause homosexuality to spread to our children and defile the sanctity of marriage. Shout out to Jesus Chrysler and Allah-Peanut Butter Sandwiches.
UPDATE #2: Math plug-in prevented me from replying to comments, so I am now reopening my blog to comment spam. Weeeeeeeee!!!
This week’s VOW comes from my cousin, Phil Schneider, who is visiting me from New York. Everyone go subscribe to his YouTube channel and bug him to post more videos.
They say that roaches are such resilient creatures, they are one of the few species thought to be able to survive a global nuclear fallout. My theory is: perhaps they are not as resilient as we think, and that humans are just too stupid to figure out how to permanently exterminate them. I present to you, as evidence, the following conversation with the leasing manager of my apartment complex.
The set-up: I was having issues with roaches in my apartment. Three times, I requested to have my apartment bombed, and three times, they did not bomb.
Me: John, they didn’t bomb again. You assured me they would bomb, and they didn’t bomb.
John: They didn’t do it? Lemme look here… hmmmmmm… where is that book? Here it is! No… no… they did do it. It says right here, they inspected and sprayed.
Me: John, I’m going to have to stop you right there. You and I both know that “inspect and spray” is not the same thing as bombing. I asked for the bomb, you wrote down bomb, and you posted a notice on my door that said bomb. Please don’t try to pretend that they bombed, when you know they didn’t bomb. Just own up to it. Say you dropped the ball, and fix the problem.
John: Well I wasn’t here yesterday. It was my day off.
Me: I know you weren’t here, and I don’t expect you to miss your day off, but it’s not unreasonable to expect you to delegate the task to someone else. Especially when you told me you would personally make sure it got done after the first two times they didn’t do it.
John: At this point, I think you need to talk to Jason, the Property Manager.
Me: Why do i need to do that?
John: Because I’ve done everything I could do on my end.
Me: John, you just told me you weren’t here yesterday. So how did you do everything on your end?
John: I think you should talk to Jason. You would have more of a chance at getting what you want.
Me: But I just told you what I want. I want them to bomb. What would prevent you from conveying my request to Jason?
John: I don’t understand the problem. You live right next to the office. What’s the big deal? Just come in and talk to Jason. He’s a very nice guy.
Me: Well, John, you WORK in the office with Jason. So technically, if proximity is the issue, then you’re closer. In fact, you LIVE above the office, so again, YOU’RE closer. What is so difficult about telling Jason that I want to have my apartment bombed?
John: Look, Eric, Jason is a nice guy. Just come in here tomorrow, and tell him that you asked to have your apartment bombed three times and…
Me: I KNOW WHAT I WOULD SAY TO JASON BECAUSE I’M SAYING IT TO YOU!!!! AND OBVIOUSLY MY METHOD OF COMMUNICATING DOESN’T WORK BECAUSE I CAN’T GET ANYONE TO LISTEN TO ME!!! SO WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TELL JASON I WANT MY APARTMENT BOMBED?!?! AND WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING ME HE’S A NICE PERSON?!?!
John: I think the problem is the exterminator didn’t notice sufficient enough activity to bomb. It says in his notes that he only noticed a few dead roaches.
Me: They were dead BECAUSE I KILLED THEM!!! They were “ACTIVE” immediately prior to me “DEACTIVATING” them!!! And why must I have swarms of live roaches everywhere in order to get my apartment bombed? Please tell me why can’t I just get my apartment bombed?!?!
John: I think you should talk to Jason about that.
A new Simon’s Cat! Enjoy
No, I’m not talking about Nick Cannon from America’s Got Talent. I’m talking about my web host.
I don’t know if anyone noticed, but my website was down for 2 days because my domain expired. The domain that was supposed to have free registration for the duration of my hosting plan. I won’t bother you all with the details about hosting, DNS, registrar transfers, and all that technical stuff. I will say that I am extremely well versed in this area so, to anyone who would assume that I was somehow confused by the process, you can stop sympathizing with the hosting company. No, really… stop it! It was entirely their fault.
Next time you crawl my site, please index the following keyword phrase:
JustHost.com is the worst hosting company ever!
I wasn’t going to mention any names, but what would be the point of complaining unless it can somehow prevent someone from making the same poor choice that I did?
In 2009, like many people, I fell victim to “economic downsizing”. My job, at the time, involved developing online home business opportunities, which ultimately would be sold over the phone to vulnerable, gullible, and most likely elderly, “entrepreneurs”. It wasn’t the most honorable work, but times were tough. I foolishly left my previous job without having something already lined up. Prior to that I had never been jobless. I thought someone with my skill set could land something right away. Turned out, I was off by 3 months.
Anyway, things at this new job seemed to be going great. The company just began implementing my latest get-rich-quick program, and it proved to be very salable and lucrative for both the company, and surprisingly, the customer. I had been receiving praise left and right from all the higher-ups, I was starting to be asked to sit in on the management brainstorming sessions, and I was regularly invited to join the bosses for drinks after work. All signs pointed to an inevitable raise and promotion.
About a week before Christmas, I was called into the owner’s office; 100% sure this was going to be the Christmas bonus / raise / promotion / ‘Thank you for the New York Cheesecakes you gave everyone for Christmas’ meeting. Feeling excited and confident, I joked as I walked into the office and sat down, “So this is it? You guys are finally firing me? Ha ha ha!”
The problem was, no one else was laughing.
Thinking back on that moment, my little joke probably resulted in the fastest exit interview ever.
“Um.. actually yes we are.”
I soon found myself being escorted from the building, and once again out of a job. This time, however, my unemployment lasted a whopping 7 months. During that time, I diligently applied to over 200 positions ranging in pay from $9/hr to $30/hr. With jobs scarce and applicants saturating the market, I was only able to land about 15 interviews. Of those 15 interviews, I was offered only one position with a company that provided no benefits, no sick pay, no vacation, and paid 25% less than I had been making. I took that job.
A year later, I’m still working for that same company; barely making ends meet and hoping that I never have the need to visit a doctor. From what I still see on the job boards, not much has changed in the job market. So for now, I’m kinda stuck here.
I know I should be grateful that I’m no longer unemployed, but sometimes I think the Universe is laughing at me. Today, I stopped into Circle K after work to pick up a snack. While waiting in line, a brand new, $40k, white Ford Explorer, with custom chrome rims, pulls up in front of the store. A young man gets out of the driver side wearing a white-on-white, flat-brimmed Yankees cap (spun to the side), a white tank top, and white jeans sagging below his ass, exposing his boxer shorts. He’s is in the middle of a call on his cell phone as he walks into the store. Not bothering to lower his voice, he gets in line behind me and continues his conversation about his new job:
Yeah, dog… I been had my orientation already. … Word, dog! … Yeah I’m just waitin’ on my fuckin’, uh fuckin’ ummmm National Security Clearance badge n’ shit! … Yeah, dog, I was scurred bout dat shit too cuz my credit is fucked up, and dey look at dat shit! … Yeah dey check yo record too, dog! … Nah, I ain’t got no felonies, dog! … Nah, man I wasn’t convicted fo dat shit, and dey lowered the charge on dat other shit, so I’m cool, yo. … Yeah, so once I get my clearance badge, I’ll be workin’ up at The Honeywells n’ shit.”
Now I have no idea what position this young man landed with “The Honeywells,” but I do know that while I was unemployed, I applied to Honeywell multiple times for an Office Administrator position, and they didn’t even respond to my resume. I also applied to the Scottsdale Police Department as a Dispatcher, and I didn’t pass their background check because of a past-due credit card from college 14 years ago. Apparently National Security Clearance isn’t as strict as Scottsdale PD.
Young man, best of luck to you in your new career.
HahahaComedy.com is now 99.9% ad free. Thanks to the 3 people who clicked on my AdSense over the past 10 months. That $0.53 will definitely be put to good use.
To supplement the loss of revenue, I will be launching HahahaComedy Plus™ in the Fall of 2010. This premium version of HahahaComedy will offer readers:
The introductory price for HahahaComedy Plus™ membership will be $10 per month. The first 1,000 or more readers to sign up will get the non-exclusive opportunity to meet me in person and buy me lunch. No kissing on the mouth.
This past weekend, I went to San Diego to visit my sister. It also just happened to be the 36th anniversary of my journey from the womb to um… about a foot outside the womb. To celebrate that momentous occasion, my sister treated me to a day at Sea World.
We did everything Sea World had to offer except for the rides (I get sick.) We saw the dolphin show, the otters and sea lions, the Sesame Street 4D movie (a 3D movie where they spray you with water), the sharks, the piranhas, and a slew of other fascinating sea creatures. Of course we also saw Shamu; or as we like to call him, “Shmoo”. In fact, we enjoyed the first show so much, we stayed for the evening show as well. All in all, we spent 10 hours at Sea World and returned home with monster sunburns. Well worth it!
Baby Making Department:
In other news, my best friend and his wife just had a baby! Out of respect for their privacy, I won’t post any images or use any names. Let’s just say he’s small, and cute, and undoubtedly human. Sorry, aliens… not this time!!!
I’ve never been much of a collector. I think it’s because I never focused my interest on any one thing long enough to amass a collection of anything. Sure, I made attempts: When I was younger, I thought it would be fun to collect polished stones from random places based on the color of that region’s handicapped parking spaces. I quickly realized that handicapped spaces only came in blue and green, and my collection soon came to an end. I also tried my hand at collecting state quarters; about 40 of which I found in one shot while going though loose change. I made it up to Hawaii, and somehow lost another state along the way. Now I have a book of 48 state quarters sitting on my shelf collecting dust.
Over the past few months, almost surreptitiously, I have accumulated a new collection. I’m not sure if I should be proud of it or ashamed, but I now have 20 shirt.woot.com t-shirts. It’s not an addiction, and I don’t think I’m out of control, but I have no intention of stopping and I’d rob my own mother to get money to pay for more.
My favorite part about shirt.woot is random shirt day, where you receive 3 completely random shirts. They’re usually shirts I would never pick for myself, but end up looking nice anyway. It’s like being forced to step out of my comfort zone one t-shirt at a time.
Anyway, below is my collection of woot shirts. If there are more than 20, it’s because the gallery will update automatically as I add more to my collection. Soon I will have them all!!!
“Ehhhhhh… what’s your point?” – Gary Schnitzer
You’ll be missed, my friend.