All posts filed under “Comedy

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Video of the Week – 2 Minute Meals With “Rachael Ray”

If you can’t get enough of Rachael Ray’s goofy faces, pointless anecdotes, and irritating olive oil abbreviations, then you’re gonna love this special condensed episode of 30 Minute Meals. “Rachael” shows you how to put a unique spin on a tasty classic to make a savory snack that’s sure to be a hit with the kids!

Enjoy!

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Video of the Week – George Carlin “Jammin’ in New York”

Sorry I missed a week posting the “Video of the Week,” but since no one really reads my blog, I’m not too broken up about it. This week I’m showcasing the late, great George Carlin in one of his best comedy performances of all time, “Jammin’ in New York.”

This HBO special aired in 1992, the year I graduated from High School, and believe me when I say, my freshman year of college, I watched this nearly 100 times. George knocks it out of the park with classic routines about the War in the Gulf, Universal Similarities, The Airlines, and The Environment. Enjoy!

UPDATE: Well looks like they took this video down. Sad face.

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Happy Hanukkah, Jewish People!

Tonight, at sundown, is the official start of the Hanukkah Season. Please join Hanukcat (pictured to the right) as we light the menorah, and take a look back at the origins of this very special time of year.

Hanukkah is an 8 day Jewish holiday celebrating the exorbitant amount of wealth Jewish people make off of the Christian shopping frenzy known as Christmas.

Jews created Christmas nearly 2000 years ago to commemorate the execution of Jesus Christ for impersonating the Messiah. The holiday was originally called “Christ-miss” because it was customary for Jews to sarcastically declare how much they were “really going to miss him.”

To retaliate, Christ’s followers claimed that the Jews never actually killed Jesus, and that Jesus got the last laugh by secretly resurrecting himself. In an additional display of blatant defiance, Christians created two holidays: Easter, to celebrate Christ’s resurrection, and Christmas, to celebrate his birth. They even kept the holiday’s name, but replaced “miss” with “mas,” which is the Caribbean word for carnival; or literally “Carnival for Christ”.

Stealing the Jewish holiday and converting it into two Christian holidays angered the Jews to no end, so the Jewish Holiday Commission voted unanimously to create a new holiday to compete with the growing Christian influence. They called this holiday, Hanukkah. Directly translated, Hanukkah means “Better than the Christians”. Hanukkah is 8 days long because 8 is more than 1, and it is a constant reminder that one Jewish holiday is better than two Christian holidays. Note: Although pro-christian scholars argue that there are actually 12 days of Christmas (making it, in fact, better than Hanukkah,) it is still officially recognized by the World Holiday Alliance as a one-day holiday.

It wasn’t until the late 1800’s that Jewish people stumbled upon the idea to commercialize Christmas for financial gain. At that time, Christmas was synonymous with selflessness, piety, and charity, however, Jews collectively rejected the notion of one day of good will to balance out 364 days of intolerance, violence, and incessant recruiting.

One Jewish shop owner, who was decidedly agitated by the Christians’ “holier than thou” attitude, convinced a man to sell his gold pocket watch in order to buy his wife a cheap hair brush. Not only did the shop owner turn around and resell the gold watch for 5 times more than he paid for it, later that day, he tricked the same man’s wife into cutting and selling her hair in order to buy a gold chain for her husband’s estranged watch.

Word of the Shopkeeper’s scheme spread throughout the Jewish community, and soon other business owners began to follow suit. Small firms called advertising agencies were established in order to promote consumption, excess, and the importance of buying expensive gifts in order to demonstrate and quantify how much one truly loved another. Thus was born, what we know today as, “the true meaning of Christmas”.

Today, Jewish people around the world still celebrate Hanukkah by hoarding the billions of dollars shoveled into their bank accounts each holiday season by willing, yet unknowing, Christians. Economists believe that by the year 2012 over 95% of the world’s assets will be controlled by Jewish interests as a direct result of superfluous Christmas spending.

During the Hanukkah festivities, Jewish adults give children gifts of chocolates which are fashioned to look like gold coins, as it is difficult for Jews to part with real money. Children use the chocolate coins as currency to play a traditional Jewish game in which players spin a four-sided wooden top called a dreidel. On each side of the dreidel are Hebrew symbols representing the current money lending rates based on the borrowers race or religion. Players take turns lending and collecting chocolate money at the designated rates until one player ends up with all the chocolate.

So ends the story of Hanukkah. I hope it was inspirational as well as informative and uplifting. I wish you all a happy and a healthy.

L’chaim!

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Video of the Week – Billy Connolly 1990 HBO Special

I truly want to thank Al Gore for inventing the Internet, because where else would I ever find this classic HBO Comedy Special starring Billy Connolly? It dates back to 1990 and it’s filled with enough swearing and fart jokes to last a lifetime.

I watched this for the first time with my Dad when I was 16, and it’s just as good now as it was then. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. If you don’t think the comedy is funny, you can at least laugh at the hairdos.

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Mohammed Hameet Nazir – Live @ Rula Bula in Tempe, AZ

Mohammed Hameed Nazir

I just got back from performing at Rula Bula Irish Pub in Tempe, AZ, and it was fucking hilarious!

It was open-mic night, but for musicians… not comedians. That didn’t discourage me. My goal, actually, was to see how long I could stay on stage before getting kicked off. I hadn’t performed in over a month, and wanted to do something that would leave a lasting impression, so I dressed up as the Arab, Mohammed Hameet Nazir, and with guitar in hand, I set out for Rula Bula.

When I got there, there was already some guy on stage playing guitar in front of a crowd of about 10 diners. He looked up and saw me standing there with my guitar and acknowledged me by giving some sorta “Musician’s Solidarity Nod”. The dude played a few more songs, and when he was done he motioned to me that it was my turn to go on. As I got set up, he asked me what kind of music I played. Trying to keep a straight face, I said, in my “authentic” Arab accent, “Mostly cultural pieces… sort of new age.”

“Cool, man.”

As soon as the musician packed up his gear, and made his way off stage, I grabbed the mic and said, “So, how about that guy? My God, he sucked! I never heard such horrible music in my life.” The musician turned his attention back towards the stage and I addressed him directly, “My friend, your singing sounds like two cats having sex! I’m kidding, I’m kidding… it sounds like three cats having sex!”

Well it was all down hill from there. I proceeded to tell audience that I initially thought the pub was an Arab restaurant because Rula Bula, “…in my language, means goat’s penis. Which is very tasty, by the way, but only if you cook it right. The key is to leave the foreskin on.” Of course, after embarrassingly admitting my mistake, I was quick to compliment Irish cuisine by letting them know my favorite Irish dish was Lucky Charms. “They’re magically delicious!”

The Lucky Charms comment caused the owner of the pub to come flying out of the kitchen. He raced over to the bartender, and although I couldn’t hear what he was saying, he was frantically pointing at the stage and was visibly pissed off. The bartender, of course, had no answers for the owner and just kept shrugging his shoulders and forming the words “I don’t know” with his mouth.

Unfazed, I forged on! It was time to commence with the musical segment of my act. I picked up my guitar and started strumming away at the strings. Keep in mind, I don’t know how to play a single chord on the guitar. I then began to serenade the audience with my original lyrics:

I love jihad!
I love jihad!
Yalah yah ala leh chem mach salaam amah sahib!
George Bush I spit… *PATOOIE!!!*
I love jihad!”

(My CD comes out in the fall by the way).

I think the audience liked the song, but I could tell they were still trying to figure out if I was for real or not. The owner, on the other hand, did not appreciate my musical talents. He pointed at me to get my attention, then made a throat-cutting gesture, and called out, “MOHAMMED!!! YOU HAVE ONE MORE MINUTE, AND THAT’S IT!!!!” Then he turned to no one in particular and said, “Who the hell is this guy?”

I used the first part of my last minute to sing a classic Arab favorite: “I Feel For You” by Chaka Kahn.

Finally, I closed with my rendition of “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off!”

You say Alqueda
I say Alkida
You say Virginia
I say vagina
Alqueda, Alkida
Virginia, vagina
Let’s call the whole thing off!

“Thank you very much! I’m Mohammed Hameet Nazir. Have a good night!”

I quickly packed my guitar and made my way towards the exit. On my way out the door, I thanked the owner for the opportunity to perform for his patrons. He was friggin irate! His face was the color of purple horseshoe marshmallows. He barked at me; saying that he didn’t know how I was even allowed on stage because they stopped doing open-mic night over 2 months ago. Of course that was a lie, but it was clear that he never wanted to see my face in his restaurant again!

Mission accomplished! I’ll be back next week without the costume!

Special thanks goes out to Gregory Ford, the real musician, for being such a good sport. Also, thanks for playing Hendrix for me. And of course, a gigantic thanks goes out to the owner of Rula Bula for being such a bad sport. Without him, this story wouldn’t have been funny!