Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

If you’re not familiar with lifehacker.com, I strongly recommend making it one of your daily blogs to follow. Essentially their articles follow the format: “Did you know you could do this to help you do that?”

“This” can range from a piece of computer software to a skateboard, duct tape, and a camera tripod. And “that” could be anything from organizing your appointments to making your own camera rig to photograph insects.

Anyway, today I found a post about how to handle a kitchen knife to reduce the chances of stabbing yourself of severing fingers. That post linked to the source article which went into more detail and also recommended a few kitchen knife brands. I did a double-take when I saw that one of the brands was called “F. Dick.”

Now, I’m sure if you’re knowledgeable about cutlery, you’ve heard of it before, but for the rest of us (well the rest of us with the mentality of a 12yr. old) it’s comedy gold!

I immediately Googled the brand to see how much their knives were. If they were reasonably priced, guess who was going to be the proud new owner of a genuine F. Dick knife?!?! Me, that’s who!!! What could possibly be more fun, or more juvenile than to show off my new F. Dick to all my friends?

Well, I’ll tell you what could be more fun, and more juvenile, and ridiculously more expensive…

Showing off my new 30lb F. Dick Manual Sausage Stuffer!!!

WHAT THE… WHO THE… WHAT THE HECK?!?!

Some things just make life worth living.

click to view larger image

Well the Super Bowl is over, the New Orleans Saints won, the devastation from Katrina can finally be put behind us, and the best part is I won’t have to hear about Fantasy Football for at least 7 months. Once again, the world seems balanced.

I didn’t get to watch the game as I was being a good little worker bee and finishing up a freelance web design project. I’m pretty excited, because it’s my very first legitimate client that’s paying me with money, not food. So, pat pat on the back for yours truly.

When I was done being a responsible grown-up, I popped over to hulu to see if there were any new shows in my queue. It was empty, but they did have all the Super Bowl ads posted. Although as a general rule I hate advertising, like many other Americans, I look forward to watching the Super Bowl ads. It’s the one time during the year where advertisers deviate a little from the norm and show off their creativity.

This year’s submissions were nothing to write home about, although I did like the Google ad and the CareerBuilder Casual Friday ad. What struck me as both strange and frustratingly annoying was the fact that the ads had ads. The page itself had the Coke logo on it, and before every other clip or so, I had to hear “The following clip is brought to you by Coca-Cola. Open happiness.”

I was planning on making this post a giant rant about advertising, but I just don’t have it in me tonight. I’m just mad because if you’re going to voluntarily subject yourself to 61 commercials, it should be without commercial interruption. Except for the commercials. You know what I mean!

By the way, part of the commercial marathon was a 13 minute short film called “Hotel Hell Vacation” with Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo, resurrecting their roles as Clark and Ellen Griswold. They stay at a hotel, get a really small room, receive bad service, and then are charged lots of crazy fees when they check out. That’s about it. I’m not even sure exactly what it was supposed to be about, or if there was a sponsor somewhere in the film. All I know is it sucked huge sack.

The street I live on is commonly known for its prostitution activity. I have my own personal homeless guy security guard who sleeps near my car at night. I can’t go to the Circle K without someone begging me for money. On several occasions I’ve had to wait in my car for a drug deal to finish, and the participants to move out, before I could get get out and go to my apartment. The apartment complex itself is flanked by a used tire yard on one side and a vacant lot on the other. The area’s residents are predominantly those of a higher melanin content variety, and are described by Zillow.com as low-income and foreign-language-speaking urbanites; most with a high school education or lower.

Okay, I live in a shitty neighborhood. I get it. But does that mean all the grocery stores in the neighborhood have to be shitty too? Do the grungy, low-life inhabitants of our tiny little patch of Phoenix not deserve fresh produce, properly stocked shelves, or dry goods that have yet to expire? Must we be forced to first walk through cigarette-smoking store employees gathered out front before entering the store? Can a brother get a gallon of milk without dirty fingerprints all over the jug? And what the hell is that weird smell in Food City?

I’ve always wondered about the relationship between economic class and the quality of goods and services in their respective communities. Do you naturally get a substandard shopping experience in a low income neighborhood because the quality of the employees and managers isn’t up to par? Or do the people of a poor community just ruin everything no matter how nice you try to make it for them? Even if the latter were the case, that doesn’t explain why all the fruits and vegetables at my local Sprouts are consistently bruised, rotten, damaged, and discolored while the produce at the one in Paradise Valley looks like it could be used for print advertising. It’s seriously like night and day.

I think, at a corporate level, the stores set aside the B-grade products for the poor people. This may sound cynical, but I might go as far as to say that they transfer the “unpicked” produce nearing the end of its shelf life from the nicer stores to the crappy ones. Either way you look at it, in my mind, that’s discrimination! Why should my bell peppers be wrinkled and soft while others enjoy firm, unblemished ones? Why should my cilantro be limp and brown, while someone only 10 miles away gets to have lush green cilantro that snaps when you bend it? Why?!?! WHY?!?!?

Although in a way, it feels good to finally be part of an oppressed group, I believe this is an injustice that has gone ignored for way too long. I’m going to boycott!!! I’m going to plant my own fruits and vegetables in the vacant lot next to the homeless guy! I’m going to open my own Farmer’s Market! I’m going to use my own waste to fertilize my crops (and maybe to throw at my neighbors for disturbing me at night with their domestic violence!) And then we’re going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we’re going to California and Texas and New York! And we’re going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and then we’re going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House! Yeeeeeeeeeeah!!!

Who’s with me?!?!?

This week’s video features a very energetic Asian man dancing. The original title of this video, as it is posted on YouTube, is “Sexy Fail – Fat Dancing Guy: WARNING: Very Disturbing”. But I don’t like that title. I’m pretty sure he’s not trying to be sexy, so FAIL on the usage of “fail”.

The other thing that bothers me is the perception that this guy is fat. He clearly doesn’t have 8% body fat, but he’s far from being blubber. In fact, he looks pretty solid and healthy to me. The kind of guy I’d like to rub sesame oil all over and… oh.. nevermind.

The point is, here’s a guy who is enjoying himself and  just being silly and for some reason he gets undeservedly branded as fat and unattractive. Mr. Dancing Asian Man, I support you, and I appreciate you for who you are.

So without further ado, I give you Happy Dancing Energetic Asian Man:

Tonight, at sundown, is the official start of the Hanukkah Season. Please join Hanukcat (pictured to the right) as we light the menorah, and take a look back at the origins of this very special time of year.

Hanukkah is an 8 day Jewish holiday celebrating the exorbitant amount of wealth Jewish people make off of the Christian shopping frenzy known as Christmas.

Jews created Christmas nearly 2000 years ago to commemorate the execution of Jesus Christ for impersonating the Messiah. The holiday was originally called “Christ-miss” because it was customary for Jews to sarcastically declare how much they were “really going to miss him.”

To retaliate against the Jews, Christ’s followers claimed that the Jews never actually killed Jesus, and that Jesus got the last laugh by secretly resurrecting himself. In an additional display of blatant defiance, Christians created two holidays: Easter to celebrate Christ’s resurrection, and Christmas to celebrate his birth. They even kept the holiday’s name, but replaced “miss” with the Caribbean word for carnival, “mas”; or literally “Carnival for Christ”.

Stealing the Jewish holiday and converting it into two Christian holidays angered the Jews to no end, so the Jewish Holiday Commission voted unanimously to create a new holiday to compete with the growing Christian influence. They called this holiday, Hanukkah. Directly translated, Hanukkah means “Better than the Christians”. Hanukkah is 8 days long because 8 is more than 1, and it is a constant reminder that one Jewish holiday is better than two Christian holidays. Note: Although pro-christian scholars argue that there are actually 12 days of Christmas (making it, in fact, better than Hanukkah,) it is still officially recognized by the World Holiday Alliance as a one-day holiday.

It wasn’t until the late 1800’s that Jewish people stumbled upon the idea to commercialize Christmas for financial gain. At that time, Christmas was synonymous with selflessness, piety, and charity, however, Jews collectively rejected the notion of one day of good will to balance out 364 days of intolerance, violence, and incessant recruiting.

One Jewish shop owner, who was decidedly agitated by the Christians’ “holier than thou” attitude, convinced a man to sell his gold pocket watch in order to buy his wife a cheap hair brush. Not only did the shop owner turn around and resell the gold watch for 5 times more than he paid for it, later that day, he tricked the same man’s wife into cutting and selling her hair in order to buy a gold chain for her husband’s estranged watch.

Word of the Shopkeeper’s scheme spread throughout the Jewish community, and soon other business owners began to follow suit. Small firms called advertising agencies were established in order to promote consumption, excess, and the importance of buying expensive gifts in order to demonstrate and quantify how much one truly loved another. Thus was born, what we know today as, “the true meaning of Christmas”.

Today, Jewish people around the world still celebrate Hanukkah by hoarding the billions of dollars shoveled into their bank accounts each holiday season by willing, yet unknowing, Christians. Economists believe that by the year 2012 over 95% of the world’s assets will be controlled by Jewish interests as a direct result of superfluous Christmas spending.

During the Hanukkah festivities, Jewish adults give children gifts of chocolates which are fashioned to look like gold coins, as it is difficult for Jews to part with real money. Children use the chocolate coins as currency to play a traditional Jewish game in which players spin a four-sided wooden top called a dreidel. On each side of the dreidel are Hebrew symbols representing the current money lending rates based on the borrowers race or religion. Players take turns lending and collecting chocolate money at the designated rates until one player ends up with all the chocolate.

So ends the story of Hanukkah. I hope it was inspirational as well as informative and uplifting. I wish you all a happy and a healthy.

L’chaim!

The best, worst, funniest, craziest, money saving, most helpful, meanest, ugliest, greatest, cheapest, most expensive, sure-fire, can’t miss, income generating, most influential, underrated, overpaid, top performing, secret, top 10 list to rule all top 10 lists, that top 10 list writers don’t want you to know about.

10. Top 10 things people like

• Hottest luxury cars
• Best actors
• Ways to save money on…

9. Top 10 things people don’t like

• Worst movies of all time
• Meanest world leaders
• Ugliest red carpet outfit

8. Top 10 things people will think is funny

• Funniest Internet memes
• Goofiest George W. Bush quotes
• Most painful videos of people getting punched in the nuts

7. Top 10 things that will cause controversy

• Most unbiased news sources
• Reasons why we need universal health care
• Reasons why abortion is wrong

6. Top 10 things that will make people feel nostalgic

• Most awesome toys of all time
• Greatest boy bands
• Craziest fashions

5. Top 10 things only a 13 year old girl should care about

• Funniest Miley Cyrus “Hanna Montana” bloopers
• Favorite Twilight moments
• Best Jonas Brothers song of all time

4. Top 10 things people should buy because you’ll make commission on your affiliate marketing business

• Best JustHost.com hosting packages
• Coolest gifts for nerds from Thinkgeek.com
• Highest quality, most affordable, and most stylish watches from Stauer.com

3. Top 10 nerdy computer things

• Best free web development applications
• Must have Firefox add-ons
• Coolest Adobe Flash tutorials

2. Top 10 “secret” things any moron would already know, but would make them think you have something new to offer on the subject

• Resume secrets that will land you your dream job
• Sure-fire Internet marketing strategies
• Secrets to a successful relationship

1. Top 10 things to make a “top ten thing list” about to get people to visit your website

• Please see numbers 10 through 1 above

If you could spend the next 2 years of your life doing one thing for 4.5 hours per day, every single day, what would it be?

Surely you could get a firm grasp on a new language, or learn to play a musical instrument, or get an associates degree, or transform your body into peak physical condition, or spend time with loved ones, or start a business, or master a computer programming language, or any of an infinite list of potentially life enhancing activities.

Of all the things I could have done for the past two years, I chose to play World of Warcraft.

I used to make fun of my sister all the time because she spent so much time playing WoW. I could talk to her on the phone and tell that she wasn’t really paying attention; that she was off in some distant world slaying dragons or leveling up her alchemy skills. I’d tell her, “Sounds like you’re running low on mana. Perhaps you need to cast a Level 3 End Conversation Spell.”

I never saw the game as something negative, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I preferred more “real life” video games such as baseball, basketball, or some first person war simulation shoot em’ up; something I could play for an hour or so then move on with my life.

That all changed when a friend of mine became ill. During a lengthy treatment and recovery process, she was unable to participate in many everyday activities, and was eager to find something to fill those hours of idle time. A friend of hers suggested World of Warcraft; insisting it was just what she was looking for.

Both my friend and I found the suggestion pretty funny, because neither of us could envision the other playing a fantasy game, let alone enjoying it. Nevertheless, she signed up for the 10 day trial, and I did the same. She and I used to chat on Yahoo! Messenger every day, so I pretty much had to play too if I expected to talk to her again.

After the first day, neither of us saw the appeal, and we were both confident our WoW career would end when the trial period expired. After the second day, we were a bit more comfortable with the interface and decided that the game was pretty intuitive and easy to play, but we were still clueless about what we were supposed to do. After the 5th day, we started to appreciate the level of detail and artwork that went into creating such a large virtual world, and we agreed that we could see why so many people liked the game, but there was no way we were going to spend $15 per month to play. After the 10th day, we sheepishly signed up for subscriptions and jumped in with both feet.

I have to say, the folks at Blizzard really understand people and their behaviors. So much effort was put into creating a game that is simple to play yet challenging to master, as well as a reward system that keeps people coming back for more, no matter what their skill level. Adding to the already well-thought-out user interface is an endless selection of third party addons designed to enhance the game-play. When you throw in the social aspect of making friends, creating guilds, and group questing and raiding, World of Warcraft is a potent recipe for a truly addictive gaming experience.

For over two years, I played. I leveled up two characters to the maximum level, achieved virtually all the in-game goals I wanted to achieve, and I even made a few new friends along the way. However, this past Thursday, my subscription expired and I did not renew it. I had decided a few months ago that I would quit the game, and I’m still not 100% sure why. Maybe I don’t like feeling that the game has control over me, or maybe I just want to see what I can do with those extra 4.5 hours per day? Whatever it is, there’s something inside that is telling me it’s time to close this chapter of my life.

It’s been a fun ride, but now it’s time to mount up on my Winterspring Frostsaber and head out into the sunset.

I leave you with one of the funniest World of Warcraft movies ever, “I’m on a Mount”. Enjoy!

The first rule of grocery shopping:

You DO NOT talk about grocery shopping.

No, wait… wrong rules.

The first rule of grocery shopping is not to shop on an empty stomach. Everybody knows that, but it leads us to the age old question: where are you supposed to buy food when you’re hungry? Fast food? Try to convince yourself that you’re only going to get the salad and only use 1/4 of the dressing that comes with it? Tonight I took my chances at the grocery store.

My total shopping experience lasted about 2 hours. For the first hour and 57 minutes, my basket contained a bag of seedless grapes, a pack of 60 watt light bulbs, two squishy stress balls, and a new paperback off the best sellers rack. Don’t get me wrong, I touched everything in the store: different cheeses, meats, breads, pastries, cakes, fruits, veggies, pre-made sandwiches and salads, and chocolates (Halloween is coming up and they widened the sweets aisle to the size of a 4 lane freeway).

Grapes were the only edible item to make the cut. I was feeling pretty confident and proud of myself that I didn’t succumb to temptation, but grapes weren’t enough to get me through the night. I decided to pick up a bag of sunflower seeds as well. Wasn’t sure how they’d go with the grapes, but it was the best “not so bad for you” snack I could think of.

With the seeds in the basket, I made my way towards the checkout line, down the snack aisle, and past the Doritos display. I passed it three times already. The first time, I took note of the display’s football theme: two football players running into each other with the word “COLLISIONS” sprawled in high-impact lettering across the top. Football season started up again this weekend, so of course, the consumers need to see an image of two football players colliding, because how are we supposed to know what to snack on during a football game if there isn’t a picture of a football player on the display???

I’m not going to pretend that I’m not swayed by marketing. Believe me, I’ve wasted more than my share of money purchasing products simply because they looked cool or yummy on TV. I just hate the fact that I do. It makes me feel so used.

Anyhow, the second time I passed the Doritos display, I realized “Collisions” wasn’t just describing the actions of the football players, it was, in fact, the name of Doritos’ NEW product, touting, not one, but two flavors of Doritos in the same bag. Oooooh… the FLAVORS were “colliding”!!!! Get it? Get it???

Well, woopdie scoobity doo!!! How ingenious to mix two flavors of Doritos in one bag!

Honestly, who gives a crap, and how stupid must they think we are with their slogan: “With two BOLD flavors in one bag, YOU control the ultimate Doritos flavor combination.”

Wait. What?!? Are you serious?!?! Hold on just a second. You’re not saying what I think you’re saying are you?!?

I control it??? I control the flavor combination???

Holy crap!!! WOW!!! I’m finally in control of my Doritos!!!! Before, I felt so OUT OF CONTROL; like the Doritos were controlling ME!!! In the past, if I ever felt like having two flavors of Doritos, I’d have to buy two bags! But not anymore! Oh no… not anymore!

So the third and final time I passed the display, I gave it one last disapproving glare, and that’s when it hit me. Twice before, I merely looked at the display. All of a sudden, I was actually SEEING it for the very first time. My eyes widened, my lips parted, and the words “No way!” fell out of my mouth and landed right on my shoes. What i was looking at, was NOT, what I had assumed would be, a bag of Cool Ranch and Nacho Cheese Doritos mixed together, but in fact, was a bag of Doritos Brand Hot Wings & Blue Cheese Collisions Tortilla Chips!!!

All of a sudden I was in control of the ultimate Doritos flavor combination!!!

The bag was open before I even left the store.

OMG!!! Did someone order chicken wings? What??? What do you mean I’m not eating real chicken wings?!? Doritos??? Come on!!! Well then how do you explain the blue cheese dressing that I… what??? Doritos too?!? How is this possible??? Waitress!!!

I sat in my car with the engine idling for 20 minutes, widening the hole in the ozone layer, and basking in the flavors of my new favorite snack. Looks like it’s grapes and sunflower seeds for dinner tomorrow.

I love grass. Not the sticky icky variety, but the actual green, lush, soft, cool-to-the-touch, sweet-smelling, and (I’m not ashamed to say) quite tasty kind. Don’t pretend you never munched on a blade or two.

Living in the Arizona desert, good grass is hard to come by. Even the nicest looking lawn in Scottsdale is dry and seems to lack the spongy fluffiness one would expect to find in that grassy meadow from your Windows XP default wallpaper.

Not to get all nostalgic or anything, but my grandparents had one of the biggest, nicest, well cared for, lawns in all of Bayside, Queens. I’m sure it was much smaller than it is in my head, but to a 8yr old sports nut, it looked like a football field. Its only flaw was a single tree that always had a knack of preventing me from running back a touchdown. That tree sure could tackle! It did, however, play a pretty decent first base, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

Anyhow, it was this lawn that set my standards for all future landscaping even though, at the time, I didn’t even know what landscaping was. I guess I just assumed my Grandpa planted each blade of grass himself. Since he’s no longer with us, and cannot dispel that myth, I will go on believing that is exactly what he did. In fact, I think George Schneider invented grass. I’ll create a Wikipedia entry after I’m done with this.

So where was I? Oh yeah… Italian Cuisine is to Nigeria as grass is to Arizona. We just don’t “do” grass. For the most part, people here accept and understand this, so they landscape with rocks and the occasional, or not so occasional, cactus. Folks here don’t have yards, they have quarries. Maintenance wise, I’m sure it’s a dream come true, but it doesn’t really stimulate the senses. I mean what senses can rocks really stimulate.

***OUCH!!!***

Fine! They can stimulate our sense of touch, but I’m not gonna taste one!!!

It’s safe to say I’m not a huge fan of “Desert Landscaping“, but given our desert climate, you’re sort of limited in your options. Go figure. I have, however, learned to distinguish between good landscaping and bad landscaping, and I can appreciate the efforts that go into giving one’s home some curb appeal.

I pulled into the driveway this evening, got out of my car, and took a moment to take in the desert scenery. Even someone as anti-Arizona as I am can enjoy a sunset every now and then. As the sun continued its descent below the horizon, I allowed my body to fully absorb my natural surroundings, becoming one with Mother Earth, losing myself in the moment. What brought me back was the abrupt realization of the one sure thing I know will always remain true…

I will never grow up.

I was reading an article in PC Magazine today about Government requesting search engine data from Yahoo!, MSN, and Google as part of an effort to reinstate the Child Online Protection Act. The writer, like so many government-fearing Americans, suggests that divulging search engine information poses privacy law issues and is one step closer towards a Big Brother government structure. His direct quote is “I worry that even well-intentioned U.S. actions that place minor restrictions on the Internet are sending the wrong message.” He goes on to insinuate that the advancement in content filtering software is a sufficient substitute for actively monitoring would-be threats on the Internet.

In a day where the Internet has become a haven for child predators and other criminals, it really fries my ass that people aren’t willing to sacrifice some anonymity in order to make it a safer place. Collecting search engine data in order to compile profiles on potential criminals, and other online predators is not only necessary, but long overdue if you ask me. It’s absurd to think that allowing it would be a precursor to having microchips embedded in our skin. It seems that people have become more afraid of secret technology and conspiracy theories than they are of current real threats. What about the fear of child rapists and murderers? What about the fear of people building homemade bombs in their basements? What about the fear of troubled teens plotting to shoot up their schools?

When something terrible does happen, the “concerned” public shakes their head and says “Can’t something be done?” But what they really mean is, “Can’t something be done that doesn’t require me to do anything or sacrifice anything?” For the good of the country, and a safer Internet, I’d be willing to share my grocery list with the Government. I’d certainly give up the ability to remain 100% anonymous.

What really bothers me is the same people who whine about protecting their privacy are the same people who whore out all their personal information to unknown online companies to sign up for “special” offers, or to enter contests, or to see if that “Get a free iPod” thing really works. Hell, if you fill out almost as much information as you would put on a credit application at dentyne.com, you can get a free pack of gum! Wouldn’t you rather have minty-fresh breath than contribute to stopping online child predators?

UPDATE: PC Magazine published my response to their article in their “Feedback” section. You can read it in the April 25, 2006 issue of PC Magazine on page 17 of the PDF (p. 14 of the magazine).