All posts filed under “Commentary

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Butterfly Crap!

I’ve been tricked again into seeing another shitty movie! My problem is I’m too trusting when it comes to someone telling me a movie was really good. This time the recommendation came from my mother. I should have known better because my mom is notorious for having the worst taste in movies. Have you ever gone into a video store, read the back cover of a DVD, and asked yourself, “Who the F would ever rent this garbage?” My mother would. That’s who.

Anyway, when my Mother suggested I watch “The Butterfly Effect” with Ashton Kutcher, I immediately refused. First of all, I hate Ashton Kutcher, and second, well… I hate Ashton Kutcher. I guess what made me reconsider was the fact that the film was more mainstream than the completely obscure titles my mother usually rents. Not only that, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her as confident that I’d like a movie as much as she was. So I caved in.

Since I already wasted 2 hours of my life watching this piece of crap disguised as a movie, I figured why not take a few extra minutes more to review it? With any luck, I can prevent someone else from watching it.

Here’s a quick plot summary:

Ashton Kutcher’s character’s childhood is plagued by reoccurring, mysterious blackouts. When he wakes up from each blackout, something terrible has happened to either him or his childhood friends. The twist is, he can’t remember what happened. We eventually find out later that during these blackouts, he gets molested, his friend kills his dog, a prank goes wrong and they kill a woman and child, and the list goes on.

As a child, young Ashton keeps journals of all the events leading up to and immediately following each black out. When he grows up, he discovers that when he reads his old journals, and gets to the parts where he blacks out, he is magically transported back in time and can see the events that he was never able to remember. In fact, he’s actually able to change the course of time by preventing the horrible outcomes.

Although well-intended, Ashton’s interference with the past ends up creating an alternate future in which things are even worse than they were before. Eventually, he resigns to the fact that it was best to have never changed the past in the fist place. He decides to fix all the things he changed by using his last chance to go back in time to prevent himself from ever meeting his childhood friends. I read somewhere that in an alternate ending, he actually prevents himself from being born. Personally, I would have preferred if he went back in time and never made the movie.

In theory, the story sorta sounds interesting, but it wasn’t. That’s saying a lot coming from me, because I usually love time travel movies.

This movie goes from being way too dark, grim, and disturbing to being super gimmicky and lame. In one of the time travel episodes, adult Ashton goes back in time and prevents his friend’s father from filming child pornography staring his daughter and young Ashton. Ashton returns to the present only to discover that his change caused him and his girlfriend to become a stereotypical frat guy and sorority girl couple. Total bummer, bro! Zany hi-jinks ensues.

After watching this move, I think I can say I hate Ashton Kutcher’s “work” even more than I did before. In all fairness, trying to match his riveting performance in “Dude Where’s My Car” was quite a tall order, and he was bound to come up short. I guess they all can’t be winners. In my opinion the child actors did a far better job of acting than the adults. I still have no clue how they decided to cast the woman who played Ashton’s mom. She literally sounded like she was sucking on helium.

Whenever I watch a bad movie I still try find at least one redeeming quality to compliment, or I try to think of what they could have changed to make it better. This movie made it virtually impossible to do either. The only thing that would have made this movie better is if Ashton Kutcher wasn’t in it. It still would have sucked, but at least I wouldn’t have had to look at his face.

I give this movie one huge thumbs-up the butt.

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May They Rest in the Offseason

Please bow your heads.

Brothers and sisters, let us pray. Dear Lord, please forgive the New York Yankees who, yet again, failed to show up for the post season. Let your glorious light shine down upon them to reveal the error of their ways, and may they receive your grace and guidance so they may come back next season stronger than ever. Please look after Bernie Williams as he begins his journey into retirement and, if your divine holiness deems us worthy of your consideration, please let Bubba Crosby be traded to Kansas City. Amen.

And that reminds me, since the Yankee’s season is over, I’ll let you know the “mystery” song I posted for the Name That Tune game is the New York Yankee Theme Song, “Here Come the Yankees” composed by Bob Bundin and Lou Stallman in 1967.

Like the Yankees, the baseball season is over for me as well, as I will not watch another baseball game until next Spring. The World Series without the Yankees is like a sandwich without the tangy zip of Miracle Whip. Soooooo, it’s on to my next sporting passion: Arizona State University Women’s Basketball!!!

Please control your groans and gasps of disbelief, and save your played out commentary about the validity of women’s sports, because I’ve heard it all before. The women play just as hard as the men, and often with more heart. I love the game, and I will continue to support it even if I am the only non-lesbian paying money to watch it. As a matter of fact, I have two season tickets in row number one behind the scorer’s table at half court.

The only problem is I usually have no one to go with. If any of you can pass my 47 point interview process, show a genuine interest in the game, have never cut off a man’s penis and flung it out a car window, don’t expect me to put out, and can tolerate my company for a few hours, feel free to let me know. Maybe one of you can join me court-side.

Go Devils!

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50 Things I Can’t Can’t Stand

As requested, here are 50 things I love. I had to really stretch the meaning of love on some of these, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m severely lacking love in my life. No wonder I’m so grumpy all the time.

Anyway, read on, young jedi…

50 Things I love (revised 8/8/07)

  1. Kennedy
  2. My Dad.
  3. My cat.
  4. Other select members of my family (Mom, Carol, Helene, Lisa & John, Grandma, Justin, Jordan, Uncle Steve, Uncle Richie & Lisa and the kids… That’s about it.)
  5. Children
  6. Sushi.
  7. Bagels, lox, and cream cheese prepared the way my Grandpa used to do it every Sunday for years before he died.
  8. Fishing trips with my Dad and Grandpa.
  9. Good people with good hearts.
  10. Lucky Charms and Frosted Mini Wheats
  11. Grilled cheese and tomato soup.
  12. That first sip of beer after a long day at work.
  13. The smell of rain on hot concrete.
  14. Cold feet and cold hands.
  15. Soft green grass… not this razor blade shitty kind here in AZ.
  16. Food Network, TLC, HGTV, Bravo
  17. Alias
  18. That crazy, swirly, shortness of breath, dizzy, drunk, headachy feeling you get from a great kiss.
  19. Being wrong.
  20. Writing.
  21. Sabret hot dogs with deli mustard and onions in the red sauce from a NY street vendor.
  22. Comedy.
  23. The Bentley Continental GT.
  24. Technology.
  25. Music.
  26. Giving massages. But only to people who ask. Not like the creepy guy in the office who comes up behind you and starts rubbing your shoulders, and then leans over and makes this noise right behind your ear: Mmmmmmmm…
  27. ASU Women’s Basketball
  28. Intelligent conversation (which is very different from talking to a smart person.)
  29. People who get me.
  30. The World Trade Center
  31. Baseball caps.
  32. A new pair of sneakers.
  33. Compressed air in a can.
  34. A fresh pack of underwear.
  35. Everything having to do with touching a woman.
  36. Midnight Run w/ Robert DeNiro & Charles Grodin
  37. The bread pudding they serve at Eddie V’s in North Scottsdale.
  38. The annual group trip to Rocky Point (September 29th!!!)
  39. Frost Valley YMCA
  40. All the true friends I’ve had throughout the years.
  41. High-speed Internet.
  42. A well thought out system.
  43. Old couples who are still in love.
  44. After days and days of picking, finally yanking out that ingrown hair.
  45. Learning.
  46. Hardwood floors.
  47. New car smell.
  48. Pistachio Ice Cream.
  49. Camping.
  50. The Yankees.
  51. Making people laugh. (Yeah.. I know that’s 51)
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50 Things I Can’t Stand

  1. Camera phones
  2. Trucker hats
  3. People who say they’re into 80’s music just to be trendy.
  4. Trendy people in general.
  5. James Spader
  6. The series 24
  7. CSI and any spin off of it.
  8. People who always have to “one up” everyone.
  9. People who start out every sentence with, “A buddy of mine…”
  10. The phrases “Yeah butt…” and “I was just…”
  11. PeOplE wHo TyPe LiKe ThIs
  12. People who try to finish your sentence.
  13. People who finish your sentence after you already finished. already finished. (It would sound like that).
  14. Girls who yell “Whoooooooooooo!”
  15. Guys who frost their hair.
  16. Any young white actor or singer who talks like they’re from the streets. How do you go from being in the Mickey Mouse Club to being gangster?
  17. Dora the Explorer
  18. “Hit me up.”
  19. The Boston Red Sox
  20. People who think they’re unique because they wear black and dye their hair black. Hey! Guess what? You look like everyone else who does that.
  21. People who own computers but never learn how to use them and then ask me to fix their computers when they fuck them up.
  22. The same people from the previous item who own nicer computers than I do.
  23. People who force their politics on you every chance they get.
  24. Women who want you to provide emotional support and intellectual stimulation while their douche bag boyfriend provides the sexual stimulation.
  25. Local News
  26. Unfriendly people.
  27. People who cheat on their spouse.
  28. People who only do the minimum.
  29. People who incorrectly recite lines from movies.
  30. People who try to pass off a comedian’s jokes as their own.
  31. Every single entity who contributes to the circulation of spam, junk mail, chain letters, door hangers, email jokes, and any other unsolicited invasion of your privacy.
  32. Credit card companies.
  33. Collection agencies.
  34. Companies who take advantage of young people and the elderly.
  35. Bad breath (Coffee and cigarette combo is the worst.)
  36. Women who get the “man haircut” after they get married and have kids.
  37. Couples who wear the same outfit.
  38. People who label any type of music as “just a bunch of noise”
  39. When my cat sits on my keyboard when I’m trying to type.
  40. People who write viruses and spyware.
  41. Parents who leave it up to TV and video games to raise their children.
  42. Parents who don’t watch their kids around water, or let them ride in the back of trucks, or leave them in hot cars while they run into the store.
  43. People who think sports figures, movie stars, and singers should be role models.
  44. Terrorists.
  45. The playboy bunny logo.
  46. People who talk about carbs.
  47. People who think the world is coming to an end.
  48. People who have to get drunk or high to have fun.
  49. Arizona
  50. The taste of penis!
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Hellooooo everybodieeeeeee!!! I’m back from California, and I’m completely exhausted. The seminar went great and it resulted in lots of future moolah. The weather was beautiful. The food was delish. The women were pretty spicy. The hotel was phenomenal. Aaaaand, I looked pretty spiffy in my new suit.

That’s all I have to say about that.

So, I did it again! I couldn’t resist. I was hornswaggled by them there marketing people on that there television set.

Persuaded by a TV advertisement, I joined; taking another stab at finding love online. eHarmony offers their patented 359 point personality profile which ranks you in 29 dimensions deemed “crucial for relationship success.” THEN they match you with people who, according to their research, are scientifically compatible with you. It sounded pretty simple, and the guy in the commercial seemed very sincere, so I dropped $90 and signed up for 6 months; joining the ranks of thousands of other suckers.

To start out, I logged on and spent over an hour filling out their questionnaire. The problem with the types of questions they ask is, the people who are answering them are so socially retarded when it comes to the opposite sex, they have no clue what they want and can’t think of why anyone would want them. So, by the time I was done, I had successfully built a personality profile of a desperate loser with major insecurities and self-esteem issues. An hour in, and I was ready to put a bullet in my head.

Nevertheless, I still clung to a small shred of optimism! I figured there has to be someone out there for me. I crossed my fingers and clicked on “Get My Results”. Well, it turns out that according to their analysis, I am attracted to the female personality type, which 90 percent of all men are attracted to. Go figure :P. Unfortunately, only 4 percent of all women are attracted to my personality type. That means out of every 25 women only one would be attracted to my personality alone! Now eHarmony doesn’t seem to think that physical attraction means anything, but you and I know better. And that led me to ask myself, if only 4 out of 100 women would like my personality, how many of those 4 would find me physically attractive too? Mathematically speaking, things did not look too promising.

Even though the odds seemed stacked against me, I still pressed on. I filled out the rest of my profile, posted a few pictures, and before long, I was ready to submit my info to their matchmaking system to see what love had to offer. I clicked “send” and was taken to a page which assured me they were working hard to find my potential mate, and advised me to be patient, as these sorts of things take time and should not be rushed.

After what I think was 2 minutes of fake searching, it spit out only 3 matches. 3 out of the entire state of Arizona. 3! Granted it doesn’t tell you how many people are signed up with them, but 3?!? C’mon! I wondered how many people just throw in the towel and turn gay after going through this process.

Anyway, I said “F that!”, and I decided to cancel my membership. It took me a while to find the cancel link, and when I clicked it, it took me to to a FAQ page. I guess they want to make sure you completely understand how everything works before you decide to cancel. The one question on the FAQ page that caught my eye was “Why do I have so few matches?” The way they explain it, it’s because their system is soooooo advanced, they don’t give you just any long list of potential mates like other sites do. They supply fewer, but much more qualified and compatible matches. They even go so far as to guarantee 7 – 12 matches for the whole year! Then they remind you that it could take several years to find the right match, but you shouldn’t give up! Oh no… never give up, and don’t stop sending them money.

Since I didn’t need to pay them to help me stay single for a few more years, I proceeded with the cancellation. All I had to do now was click here… then click there to be sure… then another click to verify… then click again to approve, and voila! WHAT THE FUCK!?! In order to complete the cancellation, I had to call them on the phone!!! Of course it was already too late to call at that time, so I had to wait until the next day. The next morning, when I dialed the number, I got a message saying, “We’re sorry, our system is currently down for routine maintenance. Please call back again. Thank you!” I got the same message the next day, and the day after that. The following day, I had to go to California and didn’t try to call while I was there.

To make a long story short, I passed my free trial period, and I’m stuck with 6 months of reminders of how not compatible I am with women. So, I’d like to take this time to send out a heart felt “Go fuck yourself!” to

Thank you very much, and have a good night.

Oh, if there happens to be an ad below this post, don’t click on it!

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Personal Ads: What Women Really Mean

I have been using the Internet to meet women for over 13 years. That’s before the Internet even had pictures! In that time, I’ve tried almost every dating site, talked to hundreds of mentally unstable women, been on countless, tortuous blind dates, been stalked, stood-up, tricked into meeting gay guys, and even had one successful booty call (although I had to drive like 4 hours one way to get it).

13 years later and I’m still at it. What am I, retarded? 😐

Anyway, after years of reading personal ads and dating profiles, I discovered that women have a code; a secret code they use to say one thing but really mean another. If you know how to crack the code, you can avoid being disappointed, and possibly have a better chance of finding that special someone.

Here are the 8 most common code phrases used by women in online dating profiles along with their never before revealed decoded definitions.

  1. “I’m laid back.”
    “I smoke weed.”
  2. “I’m just one of the guys.”
    “I’ve been banged by 20 different guys and we all still like to get together to watch football on Sundays. Oh, and don’t expect me to stop hanging out with them just because we start dating.”
  3. “I’m tired of games.”
    “I’m only happy when men treat me like shit. Expect frequent confrontations with my ex-boyfriend.”
  4. “I’m religious.”
    “I have 3 kids, a failed marriage, and a dead-end job.”
  5. “I’m independent.”
    “I have serious commitment issues, and possibly some gender equality hang-ups.”
  6. “I like a guy who can make me laugh.”
    “Fuck sense of humor! If you’re really good looking, you can fart under the covers and I’ll think it’s funny!”
  7. “I’m not looking for a one night stand.”
    “I have a kid and have no idea who or where the father is. If you play your cards right and promise to call me, I’ll let you get into my pants on the first date.”
  8. “I’ll try anything once.”
    “I take it in the butt.”

There you go! The code has been cracked! I hope this helps my fellow online Don Juans. Feel free to post your deciphered codes in the comment section below.

Until next time…

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I I I, Me Me Me

I found out yesterday that my friend’s sister had a massive asthma attack, passed out, then fell and hit her head and died from the head injury. She was 23.

Although we weren’t very close, the news of her death is heartbreaking. It reminds me how swift and unforgiving death can be, and it makes me think about my own loved ones and what it would be like to lose one of them. You never know if the last thing you said to someone will be the last thing you’ll ever say. I’m happy to say, as of this moment, the last thing I said to the people I love is “I love you”.

So, at work today, I told my boss what happened, and when I was done, she said, “Wow! The same thing happened to Tom!”

Tom is her boyfriend, and Tom is still alive so I was confused.”It did?” I asked.

She said,”Yes! He was playing with the girls in the back yard, and fell backwards and hit his head. He was in the hospital for a few days. They thought he wouldn’t be able to go to work again. He still finds it very hard to stay focused AND he completely lost his sense of smell.”

Wait! What? He lost his sense of smell and he has trouble concentrating?!?! How the fuck is that the same thing as hitting your head and dropping dead at 23?!?! I mean… fuck! How self absorbed can a person be to even compare the two?

She actually went on to say “…and it’s really sad sometimes because we’ll be walking through the mall and Tom will say to me ‘You know I really miss the smell of Cinnabons'”

Yes… that is sad.

So everyone take a few minutes today and sniff your loved ones, because you never know when fate might rear it’s ugly head and rob you of your sense of smell.

What the hell is wrong with people?!?!

***you’ll be missed, Bean… deepest sympathies, love, and strength goes out to the Catanzaro Family… I’m sorry***

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Singing the Bored at Work Blues

ZZzzzz ZZZZzzzzzzz….

Holy crap am I bored or what? The only thing keeping me awake is my co-worker yelling at her kids over the phone. I hate when parents drag their kids’ drama into the workplace. Maybe I’m mean, but I don’t care about other people’s kids. Wait, let me clarify. I love kids. It’s the parents I don’t care for. Especially when their kids are small and you have to hear them brag about how talented their 2 yr old is: Oh, little Mikey bangs on the table. He’s gonna be a famous drummer! And little Kathy plays with her own poop. She’s going to be a famous sculptor! Whatever! Come talk to me when little Kathy is 15 and she’s hopped on crystal meth and getting doinked by 50yr old perverts so she can pay for her next score.

Lots of my friends have kids now, and it’s almost impossible for them to talk about anything other than their children. EVER! I was at a strip club with a friend and this chick jumps up on the pole upside down, spreads her legs, and starts spinning around like a helicopter. There’s boobs and cooch flying everywhere and my friend says “Lincoln would have such a good time here. He’d ask to slide down the fireman’s pole.”

I don’t know, but I just don’t want to be thinking about my friend’s 2yr. old son when I’m staring at naked women. Sorta ruins the mood.

I can’t wait until I have kids, I’m going to bore the fuck out of everyone within a 3 mile radius with every mundane detail about my child. I’m going to force everyone to know the color of its poop to every new sound they make. In fact, I’m going publish a newsletter and make everyone I know read it while I read over their shoulders and comment and point at everything I wrote. Then, I’ll make them laugh at all the  things only I find cute and funny.

How’d I get off on that whole tangent? I was supposed to be talking about how bored I am at work.

OH, by the way, my little questionnaire thingy is going great. I have about 40 responses so far and I’m really accumulating some great data. I think you’ll find it pretty interesting. I’m going to wait until next week to tally up everything and publish the results and my conclusion.

Submit your answers if you haven’t done so already.

I have to go now… later!

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The Coolest Mom in the World

I really don’t understand why some women post pictures of their kids on their myspace profiles along with pictures of their tits hanging out or their asses sticking up in the air wearing just a thong. Take Blondebabydoll for example. She took a lot of time filling out her profile. She wrote about finding a guy who would respect her and care for her and her little girl. Then, you click on her photos, and BAM!!! Boobs, ass, panties, bras, and cooch are flying everywhere! Oh, and if you scroll down a little more, you can see a photo of her daughter. (UPDATE: Blondebabydoll has since remarried and removed the photos of her ass and vagina. I guess the photos worked!)

Does anyone else see anything not quite right here? I’d be interested in finding out if anyone thinks this is no big deal.

I look at it this way: I don’t think I would post a picture of my ding dong next to a picture of my child. I don’t have children yet so I am just speculating, but I’m pretty sure I still wouldn’t do that. It just seems wrong somehow.Would it be ok if I posted a picture of my ding dong next to a picture of someone else’s child? For some reason that seems even worse.

Well, hey… whatever.

In related news, I read that a 40 yr old woman was arrested for hosting high school sex parties for her daughter and her friends. She provided the booze, the drugs and even participated in the action. She told police she just wanted to be a “cool Mom.” I have to say, if it weren’t so creepy, disgusting, and wrong, she could possibly be the coolest mom in the world!

The mom got caught because some kid that she serviced went and told his parents. He actually told police he thought she was a cool mom until he found out she was a pedophile! I wonder if he found out she was a pedophile before or after she banged him? Either way, I’m sure that kid is getting beat up for ruining it for the rest of kids.

Believe it or not, I actually participated in sex parties when I was in High School. Unfortunately, these parties were held in my bathroom, and I was only guest that would show up. I went to a lot of parties.

ANYWAY… I’m hitting the garage sale circuit this weekend. Gonna go look at a few couches. The Fabulous Amy D. told me about to find pretty much ANYTHING you can imagine for sale. I’m sure you all knew about it already, so no need to be as excited as I am. Thanks Amy! By the way… if you happen to be a gay dude, that craigslist is a pretty good way to hook up for some hot stranger ding dong in various restrooms around the Valley.

I think that’s all I have for tonight. Until the mind starts spinning again… have a good one!

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Fan Mail Friday

In response to my post, “Hodge Podge” about pursuing a married woman, a fan writes:

Why go for the married chick?  Not that I’m against it… is it the challenge???

Dear Fan,

It’s simple really.  Single women aren’t dissatisfied with their husbands because they don’t have husbands.  Single women still don’t know the reality of men and marriage.  They’re still out there looking for Mr. Frosted Spiky Hair with the great abs, tan skin, nice car, good job, and oh yeah… “he has to have a really great sense of humor and make me laugh”.

*KNOCK KNOCK* Reality calling… that guy doesn’t exist outside of your television.

Married women have actually figured this out albeit a few years and a few kids too late.  Now they’re stuck in unhappy marriages to guys who aren’t attentive to their needs, guys who cheat, guys who care more about drinking than spending time with their kids, guys who were considered “quite the catch” back in their hey days.  The nice guys, of course, finished last.

So, no, it’s not the challenge of trying to lure a woman away from their spouse.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  It’s the women who usually reveal that they are unhappy and feeling emotionally and sexually neglected.  And they gravitate toward men who are willing to listen and pay attention to them.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t prey on unhappily married women.   I just think there’s someone for everyone.  But what if my someone got married already?  Shit, what if my someone lives in Nigeria?  Then I’m really screwed!  The good news is, there are probably multiple someones for everyone, so even if the first someone doesn’t work out, you can still find another someone.  Some people are lucky enough to have multiple someones at the same time.  Me?  I’m not that good.

The bottom line is, I owe it to myself to seek out my own happiness.  As long as I’m not trying to destroy a functioning relationship, and not using someone for sex or money, am I really doing anything wrong? Yeah I guess there’s that whole “thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife” thing but I think the weight of the moral dilemma lies mostly on the woman.  But that’s a whole other story.

There you have it, my complete justification of pursuing a married woman.  I’ll save a seat for you all in hell.

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Are You Kidding Me?!?!

OK… so I’m browsing through one of the dating sites today, not more than a few hours after posting my last bloggy about glamour shots, and I come across this girl.  Can you believe she is a year YOUNGER than I am?!?!

Today, I hereby call upon the women of the world, and implore them to put an end to this travesty of photography!  Say “NO!” to galamour shots, and say “NO!” to feather boas! Together, we can make a difference!

I’m going to be single forever. 🙁

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New York, New York!

Frankly, I don’t give a shit if you’re from New York!  There, I said it!

Now I’m not directing my aggression at people who occasionally mention where they’re from as it pertains to a conversation or a story.  I’m talking about people who base their entire existence on being “from New York”.  As if it makes them special some how.  I guarantee almost everybody knows at least one New Yorker who never lets anyone forget where they’re from.

Yeah I get it!  You’re from New York!  Let’s move on with life!

I mean you can’t even order a fucking pizza without every New Yorker within a five mile radius declaring there is no such thing as good pizza outside of New York.   “Pizza?!?  You call that pizza?!?  That ain’t pizza!  You ain’t neva had pizza till you had New York pizza.”  Then they’ll go into some deep discussion about how the big difference is the sauce, or the cheese, or the dough, or your ass, or whatever. Honestly, no one cares! Let me enjoy my shitty Domino’s Pizza in peace.

And it’s not just pizza, it’s the same for any type of ethnic food.  All of it is better in New York.  I actually know a guy who said, “I love German food, but I went to Germany, and you know what?  The food isn’t that good.  It’s much better in New York.”

Soooo if you were planning on going to Germany, don’t bother.  New York beats the entire country of Germany when it comes to German cuisine.

Sometimes, New Yorkers won’t actually come right out and say where they’re from, but instead they’ll talk extra loud and over exaggerate their New York accent in order to draw attention to themselves.  Then they’ll just wait for someone to ask them, “Are you from New York?” Then, they can really pour it on: “Oh, yeah, I’m from New Yawk.  I’m suh-prized you can tell! Ya know I don’ even hee’a da accent anymoor.  When I go back East, dey tell me I sound like I’m from Arizona!”

Another thing that bothers me is how people sometimes use being from New York as an excuse to be an asshole.  “So I told that waitress to take that food and  stick it up her ass.  Hey, I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I’m from New York, and I just tell it like it is.”

I hate to break it to a lot of east coast transplants, but being “from New York” and being a New Yorker are two completely different things.  First of all, real New Yorkers don’t live in Arizona, or Montana or even in New Jersey.  They actually LIVE in New York.  Real New Yorkers somehow make it through their days without giving dissertations on pizza or discussing the authenticity of the Olive Garden’s menu.  They also don’t sit around and marvel at their own accents.  Oh, and believe it or not, not every New Yorker is rude.  I should know… I’m from New York!