Hey check me out, I’m in a YouTube commercial for Earnhardt Ford in Chandler, AZ! It’s part of the Ford Swap Your Ride event. We swapped out Amanda’s Hyundai for a Ford Edge. She’s going to drive it around for a few days then report back on how it compares to her Santa Fe.
Shooting the commercial was super fun. When all the spots are finished, I’ll put together an outtakes video.
Oops I did it again! I got myself another feline companion. I’d like to introduce you all to Oatmeal. I adopted her from AZ Happy Tails Animal Rescue at the Pet Adopt-a-thon at Earnhardt Ford.
Oatmeal is 2 years old, and enjoys eating, napping, scratching stuff, and kneading. She’s also very good at meowing, shedding, and pooping (a little too good at pooping if you ask me.)
Oatmeal tested positive for Feline Leukemia , which means she may or may not live a long time, but she will have a very nice life while she’s here.
UPDATE: I failed miserably at this challenge. I discovered that meditation is for people who have so much going on in their lives, they need the silence and serenity to keep themselves balanced. I live by myself, and my life is filled with silence and nothingness; so technically, I’m meditating all the time. Scheduling time to do more nothing proved to be a bit too redundant for my liking. On to the next challenge.
Tomorrow is the final day of my No Hat 30 Day Challenge. I would love to say that I achieved some sense of freedom that had been previously shielded by my hat. Unfortunately, that is far from the case. After 29 days without my brimmed yarmulke, I’m ready to glue it back on permanently. I just didn’t feel like myself the entire time. I guess the only positive thing I can take away from the experience is just the satisfaction of following through on a commitment.
For my next 30 day challenge, I will be meditating for 10 minutes every day. Why? I don’t know. I guess I’m just curious what 10 minutes of mind clearing can do for a person. I don’t intend to explore the spiritual aspect of meditation, but if I happen to be transported to another level of consciousness, I will let you know.
Ooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
We need more government officials like this:
Last month, I decided to take on a 30 day challenge. For 30 days I refrained from viewing any adult material nor did I participate in any activity associated with viewing said material. It goes without saying it was extremely hard (pun intended.) I made it through, however, and I believe I am now a better man for doing so.
By the way… day 31… RIDICULOUS!
Anyway, my courageous act of selfless restraint seems to have inspired my co-workers to take on their own 30 day challenges. Each person chose one specific thing to do (or not to do) over the course of the next 30 days that would, in some way, have a positive impact on their lives. I am going to participate as well, but this time I’m choosing to do something a bit less… um… personal.
For the next 30 days, I will not wear a baseball cap. Ever since I was given control of what I could wear on my head, I have worn a hat. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, I have a hat on my head. Some nights I even wear it to bed. In fact, I don’t think I’ve even had a job where I couldn’t wear a hat.
Although I’m not bald. my hat is definitely an accessory, without which, I’d feel naked. I’d like to think that going hatless for 30 days will not only prove to myself that I am not a slave to my hat, but also, I hope that it allows people to see a more genuine side of me.
I’m not going to bore you with daily updates of what it’s like to not wear a hat. I wouldn’t even read my own blog if I did that. I will, however, fill you in 30 days from now. Wish me luck!
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, here are my co-workers’ 30 day challenges (using initials to protect their privacy):
A – Post a blog at least 3 times per week.
R – Do some form of exercise for at least 5 minutes per day.
K – Do not wear pants to work. Only dresses and skirts.
D – No ponytail at work.
Two weeks ago I went to As You Wish Pottery and painted a coffee mug. It was the first time I painted anything remotely artistic since maybe high school. I have to say, I am immensely proud of the end result.
My masterpiece was inspired by my favorite photo of my cat, who passed away early this year. She loved to spend time out in the back yard, under the tree, and make squeaky chatter noises at the birds.
Check out the photos below. How can that mug not put a smile on your face?
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They say that roaches are such resilient creatures that they are one of the few species thought to be able to survive a global nuclear fallout. I contest that they are not that resilient, and that humans are just too stupid to figure out how to permanently exterminate them. I present, as evidence of my theory, the following conversation with the leasing manager of my apartment complex.
The set-up: I was having issues with roaches in my apartment. Three times, I requested to have my apartment bombed, and three times, they did not bomb.
Me: John, they didn’t bomb again. You assured me they would bomb, and they didn’t bomb.
John: They didn’t do it? Lemme look here… where is that book? Hmmmm… no, they did it. It says right here, they inspected and sprayed.
Me: Look, John, stop right there. You and I know that “inspect and spray” is not the same thing as bombing. I asked for the bomb, you wrote down bomb, and you posted a notice on my door that said bomb. Please don’t try to pretend that they bombed, when you know they didn’t bomb. Just own up to it, say you dropped the ball, and fix the problem.
John: Well I wasn’t here yesterday.
Me: I know you weren’t here. And I don’t expect you to miss your day off, but it’s not unreasonable to expect you to delegate the task to someone else. Especially when you told me you would personally make sure it got done after the first two times they didn’t do it.
John: I think you need to talk to Jason, the Property Manager.
Me: Why do i need to do that?
John: Because I’ve done everything I could do on my end.
Me: John, you just told me you weren’t here yesterday, so how did you do everything on your end?
John: Well I think you should talk to Jason. You would have more chance of getting what you want.
Me: But I just told you what I want. I want them to bomb. What would prevent you from conveying my request to Jason?
John: I don’t understand the problem. You live right next to the office, what’s the big deal? Just come in and talk to Jason.
Me: Well, John, you WORK in the office with Jason. So technically, if proximity is the issue, then you’re closer. In fact, you LIVE above the office, so again, YOU’RE closer. What is so difficult about telling Jason, that I want to have my apartment bombed?
John: Look, Eric, Jason is a nice guy. Just come in here tomorrow, and tell him that you asked to have your apartment bombed three times and…
Me: I KNOW WHAT I WOULD SAY TO JASON BECAUSE I’M SAYING IT TO YOU!!!! AND OBVIOUSLY MY METHOD OF COMMUNICATING DOESN’T WORK BECAUSE I CAN’T GET ANYONE TO LISTEN TO ME!!! SO WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TELL JASON I WANT MY APARTMENT BOMBED?!?!
John: I think the problem is the exterminator didn’t notice sufficient enough activity to bomb. It says in his notes that he only noticed a few dead roaches.
Me: They were dead BECAUSE I KILLED THEM!!! The were “ACTIVE” immediately before I did that!!! And why must I have to live like a slob with food, filth, and roaches everywhere in order to get my apartment bombed? Please tell me!!! Why can’t I just get my apartment bombed?!?!
John: I think you should talk to Jason about that.
No, I’m not talking about Nick Cannon from America’s Got Talent. I’m talking about my web host.
I don’t know if anyone noticed, but my website was down for 2 days because my domain expired. The domain that was supposed to have free registration for the duration of my hosting plan. I won’t bother you all with the details about hosting, DNS, registrar transfers, and all that technical stuff. I will say that I am extremely well versed in this area so, to anyone who would assume that I was somehow confused by the process, you can stop sympathizing with the hosting company. No, really… stop it! It was entirely their fault.
Dear Google,
Next time you crawl my site, please index the following keyword phrase:
JustHost.com is the worst hosting company ever!
Love,
Eric
I wasn’t going to mention any names, but what would be the point of complaining unless it can somehow prevent someone from making the same poor choice that I did?
In 2009, like many people, I fell victim to “downsizing,” and found myself unemployed for 7 months. During that time, I diligently applied to over 200 positions ranging in pay from $9/hr to $30/hr. With the job market how it was at the time, I was only able to get about 15 interviews. Out of those 15 interviews, I was only offered one position with a company that provided no benefits, no sick pay, no vacation, and paid 25% less that I had been making.
I took that job, and a year later, I’m still working for that same company. From what I understand, and what I see on the job boards, not much has changed in the job market. Without my degree, and without a viable opportunity to go back to school, I feel like I’m stuck even though I’m at a point in my life when I’m ready to start acting like a grown up. There’s more to this whole stuck part, but I’ll save that for another depressing post. Just trust me when I say I’m stuck.
Anyway, I stopped into Circle K today after work to pick up a snack. While I was waiting in line, a brand new $40k SUV with custom chrome rims pulls up in front of the store. A young man gets out of the driver side wearing a white on white flat brimmed Yankees cap spun to the side, a white tank top, and jeans pulled down below his boxer shorts. He’s on a call on his cell phone as he walks into the store and this is what I hear:
Yeah, dog… I been had my orientation already… word… yeah I’m just waitin’ on my fuckin’, uh fuckin’ ummmm national security clearance badge n’ shit… Yeah, dog, I was scurred (scared) bout dat shit too cuz my credit is fucked up and dey look at dat shit… Yeah they check yo record too, dog… Nah, I ain’t got no felonies, dog… Nah, man I wasn’t convicted fo dat shit, and they lowered the charge on dat other shit, so I’m cool, yo. Yeah, so once I get my clearance badge, I’ll be workin’ at The Honeywells n’ shit.”
Now I have no idea what position this young man landed with “The Honeywells,” but I do know that while I was unemployed, I applied to Honeywell as an office administrator, and they didn’t even respond to my resume. I also applied to the Scottsdale Police Department as a dispatcher and could not get through their security clearance because of credit issues from 14 years ago. I guess national security clearance isn’t that strict.
Best of luck to you, young man, in your new career.
FML
This past weekend, I went to San Diego to visit my sister. It also just happened to be the 36th anniversary of my journey from the womb to um… about a foot outside the womb. To celebrate that momentous occasion, my sister treated me to a day at Sea World.
We did everything Sea World had to offer except for the rides (I get sick.) We saw the dolphin show, the otters and sea lions, the Sesame Street 4D movie (a 3D movie where they spray you with water), the sharks, the piranhas, and a slew of other fascinating sea creatures. Of course we also saw Shamu; or as we like to call him, “Shmoo”. In fact, we enjoyed the first show so much, we stayed for the evening show as well. All in all, we spent 10 hours at Sea World and returned home with monster sunburns. Well worth it!
Baby Making Department:
In other news, my best friend and his wife just had a baby! Out of respect for their privacy, I won’t post any images or use any names. Let’s just say he’s small, and cute, and undoubtedly human. Sorry, aliens… not this time!!!
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I’ve never been much of a collector. I think it’s because I never focused my interest on any one thing long enough to amass a collection of anything. Sure, I made attempts: When I was younger, I thought it would be fun to collect polished stones from random places based on the color of that region’s handicapped parking spaces. I quickly realized that handicapped spaces only came in blue and green, and my collection soon came to an end. I also tried my hand at collecting state quarters; about 40 of which I found in one shot while going though loose change. I made it up to Hawaii, and somehow lost another state along the way. Now I have a book of 48 state quarters sitting on my shelf collecting dust.
Over the past few months, almost surreptitiously, I have accumulated a new collection. I’m not sure if I should be proud of it or ashamed, but I now have 20 shirt.woot.com t-shirts. It’s not an addiction, and I don’t think I’m out of control, but I have no intention of stopping and I’d rob my own mother to get money to pay for more.
My favorite part about shirt.woot is random shirt day, where you receive 3 completely random shirts. They’re usually shirts I would never pick for myself, but end up looking nice anyway. It’s like being forced to step out of my comfort zone one t-shirt at a time.
Anyway, below is my collection of woot shirts. If there are more than 20, it’s because the gallery will update automatically as I add more to my collection. Soon I will have them all!!!
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Although I was prepared for the shouted greeting, it still startled me nonetheless. I normally walk with my head down, so I almost broke my neck as I snapped to attention and looked around to see who just welcomed me to Subway. It was a man’s voice, but there was only one woman behind the counter.
Behind me another customer walked through the door. The alarm beeped that notifies the employees that someone has entered the store, and from the back, out bellowed another “WELCOME TO SUBWAY!!!”
I got a chance to see what I probably looked like a few seconds earlier as the person behind me perked up, looked around like God just spoke to him and responded politely, “Thank you?”
I’m noticing that this relatively new corporate mandated greeting is being adopted by more and more places, and frankly, I don’t get it. I’m sure it all started with some customer service brain storming session. “Everyone gets greeted! No exceptions! They hire retards to do it at WalMart, and look how well they’re doing. So we should do it too!” In fact I’m almost certain that’s how it all went down, because I saw it happen when I used to sell cars.
One of the managers had dinner at TGI Fridays for his birthday and he thought because the wait staff sang Happy Birthday to him, that we should sing to the customers when they buy a car. So, after the first sale that day, he called us all into the showroom to gather around the customer and we sang, “We sold you a car! We sold you a car! You’re gonna go far! You’re gonna go far! We sold you a c…” And before we could get out the word “car”, the customer was in his car. He drove away and never came back.
Look… when people come up with ideas like greeting every customer, I’m sure it’s not intended to be shouted out at inappropriate levels by some unknown voice scaring the crap out of 90% of the people who walk through the door. The fact of the matter is people just don’t give a shit. I know I’m right because, as an experiment, sometimes I’ll walk in and shout hello first! They never say hello back! In fact, they look at me with disgust because they hate that they have to yell “Welcome to Subway!!!” By the way… the mystery man who shouted “Welcome to Subway!!!” never came out from the back.
Why wouldn’t they just hire friendly people if they want their employees to act friendly?
Ok, this may be a bit gross, but have you ever taken a poo and have the odor remind you of some place or time from your past?
No? Neither have I. I was just checking.
Every so often you come across a product that exceeds all your expectations and makes you want to tell everyone how awesome it is. To qualify for such a prestigious honor, the product must be perfect (for you) in both form and function. It must meet every single advertised claim plus add some unforeseen value to either your life or the lives of others. The item cannot be something you received as a gift even if you specifically asked for it, because part of the ownership experience is the sense of pride you feel to have had the wherewithal, savvy, and foresight to have purchased the item in the first place. I might even go as far as to say you should also have paid full retail price for it, because buying it on sale reduces the risk of disappointment should it turn out to be less than you hoped it would be. You need to be 100% committed to this product from the get-go in order to feel the full force of the joy it gives back.
This is such a rare occurrence, I can’t think of any other product I currently own that lives up to such high accolades. In fact, the last time I felt like this was when they came out with extra small condoms!
So what is it that has me all a hootin’ and a hollerin’? It’s my new, super-fantastic Vibram Five Fingers barefoot shoes!!! Click here to see them in all their footy glory.
Wait! Don’t go anywhere! Lemme splain! These shoes are, hands down, the best things I ever put on my feet! But enough hype… let’s get down to the meat and potatoes! Or should I say feet and my-ten-toes?!?! HA! I crack myself up.
I discovered Vibram Five Fingers while searching the Internet for shoes to wear when I do my yoga videos. I’d find myself sliding all over the carpet if I tried to do it barefoot. I’d get better traction with my running shoes, but they just felt too bulky for this type of low impact exercise. So, I did an image search for “yoga shoes” and there they were. Like many of you, I said, “What the poo are those things?!?!”
A few clicks later, I ended up at the Vibram Five Fingers website where I learned about the potential benefits of barefoot living. They claim that being barefoot stimulates the muscles in your feet and lower legs, and will not only make you stronger and healthier, but also improve your balance, agility and proprioception. (I have no clue what that last word means, and I’m not even going to bother looking it up.) They also suggest that being barefoot helps align the spine and improve posture. I have lower back pain, and If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I have at least one distant relative who used to live in a bell tower so they had my attention.
Vibram makes a few different Five Finger styles for all types of activities from Yoga to running to hiking. Aside from a very thin rubber sole to protect your feets from abrasions and road debris, they are as close as you can get to being barefoot. There’s no arch support, no cushioning, and no stabilizing ankle support. All the features you would expect to find in any athletic shoe are nowhere to be found. So how then can they possibly be comfy? How can you run long distances in them? And how do you not cut your feet on pointy or sharp things? I don’t know how, but they are, you can, and if you don’t walk on glass or nails, you don’t.
I didn’t purchase a pair right away. In my mind, I was still skeptical and saw them as more of a novelty than a viable option. At best, they’d be limited to yoga duty and would never see the light of day. With a price point between $80 and $100 bucks, I wasn’t in any hurry to snag a pair either. After a few more frustrating yoga sessions, however, I found myself back on the Internet trying to justify the purchase.
I read some independent reviews and almost all of them mentioned reduced joint and knee pain when running. This was a huge selling point since I have one bad knee, and one worse knee. It was also the additional motivation I needed to go try on a pair.
I headed over to my local REI and tried on the three models they had in stock starting with the cheapest. The first two, the Classic and the Sprint, did not really impress. The Classic, which has no straps, felt like they would fall off during any type of exercise, and the strap on the Sprint cut into my foot. Other than the uncomfortable strap, however, I really liked how the shoe felt. Then, I tried on the KSO’s and it was like my feet finally found their sole-mates. I wore them out of the store that day and haven’t taken them off since (other than to go to sleep and to wash them). Yes you have to wash them, because you don’t wear socks with them, and they can start to smell after a week or two of heavy exercise and all-day wear.
After a little over three weeks of use, I have greatly improved my yoga skills, and I can honestly say that my knees and back feel noticeably better during high impact exercise. I’m not going to pretend these shoes have healed me (praise Jesus), but when you live in pain all the time, any improvement is huge. I really believe they’re helping me build up the supporting muscles that surround my problem areas and alleviate the pressure in those places. But who knows… that can be complete bullshit and just the incremental improvements from my exercise program. All I know is physically, I feel better than I have in a really long time, and my new podiatric pals seem to be part of the reason.
I already bought a second pair.
Feel free to share your personal experience with a super spectacular life changing product.
I’ve never been an avid supporter of manscaping. Every now and then I’ll take the clippers to the ole sackaroo, but for the most part, I like to kick it old school. To me, there’s something kinda unmanly about it. If it were up to me, I would do away with this whole male primping and shaving and waxing and spiking and frosting and styling that seems to have taken hold of our country. I have a feeling, however, that unlike bell bottoms, hairy dudes aren’t going to be making a come back any time soon.
Anyway, have you ever seen those before and after photos of men who started exercise programs? Day 1 is always sad, pale, fat, hairy guy. Day 90 is happy, tan, shaved body guy. Always. No exceptions. Why do the guys always end up shaving their bodies?
Well I’m going to tell you exactly how that happens.
Since October of last year, I’ve been exercising and eating healthy. So far I dropped nearly 50lbs and put on a little bit of muscle. Thank you, thank you! I know… I’m awesome. Needless to say, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time in front of the mirror flexing, touching, prodding, pressing, and measuring (yeah even that too); and this weekend, I started wondering what I really looked like under all this body hair. So I charged up the trusty Norelco Bodygroom and went to town on my chest, belly, arms and nether regions. I was going to do my back as well, but by the time I was done with the front, I was too horrified to continue.
First of all, my body hasn’t seen the sun in literally 7 or 8 years. Maybe longer. My bare chest and belly are beyond pale. If I were to try to somehow get some color in my skin, I would have to do it in some secluded place where I couldn’t blind other people. I would be open to a tanning booth if it didn’t give you nut cancer and I wasn’t so vocal about how douchey it is for dudes to go tanning. I need an excuse to do some shirtless work in someone’s back yard while they’re away on vacation. That’s the only scenario where I could see myself getting a tan.
The second thing I realized when I was done grooming was the fact that my hair covered a network of ugly stretch marks across my midsection. I’m also convinced that the hair also acted as some sort of stabilizer or gave my belly more structure than it apparently has now. All of a sudden, I went from hairy guy with a little gut to someone who looks like they spent 10 weeks on the Biggest Loser Ranch with all the loose skin and a deformed belly button. When I bend at the waist, my stomach looks like one of those ceiling monsters from Half Life. Scary.
Shaving my arms was also the dumbest thing to do. It really seemed like a good idea because the hair on my wrists was covering my watch and it was hard to see what time it was. But after a day, I had 5 o’ clock shadow on my forearms and now it’s itchier than… than… I don’t know… something really itchy.
This wasn’t the first time I ever attempted a major manscaping project, but it was the first time I was surprised by what I uncovered. It was similar to the first time I got my hair cut short after my hair line started receding. I just looked in the mirror and thought, “Holy crap! You’re really not 18 anymore.”
They say that the sun shines on a dog’s ass every once in a while. I’m not exactly sure I know what that means, nor do I know who “they” are, but I’m pretty sure my ass just got exposed to some sunshine.
A few weeks ago I purchased a “gently used” M-Audio MobilePre Audio Interface
Anyway, I paid $75 dollars for it, and had to wait about 4 weeks for the jackhole to ship it to me. When it finally came in the mail, guess what? Exactly! It didn’t work. You’re very smart!
I emailed the seller and received the standard response: “It was working when I sent it to you. You probably forgot to plug it in, retard. Go F yourself.” (I’m paraphrasing).
So I went to M-Audio’s website to see if anyone else was experiencing the same issue. I thought perhaps I was forgetting one vital step to get it functioning properly. I found a post from someone who seemed to have the same problem, but there was no resolution. Feeling dejected, ripped off, and totally horse F’ed, I left a feeble comment at the end of the thread simply asking if anyone figured out a solution.
Well, within hours, a representative from M-Audio responded to my message letting me know he would send me a FedEx air bill in the mail so I could ship it back for a replacement. I told him I bought it used off of eBay, only paid $75 dollars for it, and I didn’t have the original receipt. He said not to worry about it, and two weeks later, I have a brand new, in the wrapper, M-Audio MobilePre!
That may have been the best non-face-to-face customer service experience I have ever had in my life. I have to specify non-face-to-face because I’ve been to a Mexican strip club, and they take customer service to a completely different level.
So, thank you Paul from M-Audio, and suck it Mr. Ebay Seller!
If you’re not familiar with lifehacker.com, I strongly recommend making it one of your daily blogs to follow. Essentially their articles follow the format: “Did you know you could use this to help you do that?”
“This” can range from a piece of computer software to a skateboard, duct tape, and a camera tripod. And “that” could be anything from organizing your appointments to making your own camera rig to photograph insects.
Anyway, today I found a post about how to handle a kitchen knife to reduce the chances of stabbing yourself or severing fingers. That post linked to the source article which went into more detail and also recommended a few kitchen knife brands. I did a double-take when I saw that one of the brands was called “F. Dick.”
Now, I’m sure if you’re knowledgeable about cutlery, you’ve heard of F. Dick before, but for the rest of us (well the rest of us with the mentality of a 12yr. old) it’s comedy gold!
I immediately Googled the brand to see how much their knives were. If they were reasonably priced, guess who was going to be the proud new owner of a genuine F. Dick knife?!?! Me, that’s who!!! What could possibly be more fun, or more juvenile than to show off my new F. Dick to all my friends?
Well, I’ll tell you what could be more fun, and more juvenile, and ridiculously more expensive…
Showing off my new 30lb F. Dick Manual Sausage Stuffer
WHAT THE… WHO THE… WHAT THE HECK?!?!
Some things just make life worth living.
click to view larger image
Well the Super Bowl is over, the New Orleans Saints won, the devastation from Katrina can finally be put behind us, and the best part is I won’t have to hear about Fantasy Football for at least 7 months. Once again, the world seems balanced.
I didn’t get to watch the game as I was being a good little worker bee and finishing up a freelance web design project. I’m pretty excited, because it’s my very first legitimate client that’s paying me with money, not food. So, pat pat on the back for yours truly.
When I was done being a responsible grown-up, I popped over to hulu to see if there were any new shows in my queue. It was empty, but they did have all the Super Bowl ads posted. Although as a general rule I hate advertising, like many other Americans, I look forward to watching the Super Bowl ads. It’s the one time during the year where advertisers deviate a little from the norm and show off their creativity.
This year’s submissions were nothing to write home about, although I did like the Google ad and the CareerBuilder Casual Friday ad. What struck me as both strange and frustratingly annoying was the fact that the ads had ads. The page itself had the Coke logo on it, and before every other clip or so, I had to hear “The following clip is brought to you by Coca-Cola. Open happiness.”
I was planning on making this post a giant rant about advertising, but I just don’t have it in me tonight. I’m just mad because if you’re going to voluntarily subject yourself to 61 commercials, it should be without commercial interruption. Except for the commercials. You know what I mean!
By the way, part of the commercial marathon was a 13 minute short film called “Hotel Hell Vacation” with Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo, resurrecting their roles as Clark and Ellen Griswold. They stay at a hotel, get a really small room, receive bad service, and then are charged lots of crazy fees when they check out. That’s about it. I’m not even sure exactly what it was supposed to be about, or if there was a sponsor somewhere in the film. All I know is it sucked huge sack.
Copyright © 2012 Ha ha ha! Comedy - All rights reserved.
