All posts filed under “Miscellaneous

comments 5

Don’t Spam So Close to Me

SPAM

I got an email today from my hosting company informing me that AOL is complaining about receiving excessive spam from one of my email email addresses. AOL? Who the heck still uses AOL? While I firmly believe those dinosaurs who insist on clinging to AOL deserve to receive as much spam as possible, the fact of the matter is, I have not been intentionally spamming anyone with any of my email accounts.

After a brief investigation, I discovered that the culprit was none other than the “Subscribe to Comments” plug-in, in the library, with a candlestick. You’re off the hook this time, Colonel Mustard, but I still have my eye on you!

Anyways, because comment bots were checking on the “Subscribe to Comments” checkbox, the plug-in was sending out hundreds of opt-in verification emails.

I have since added an invisible captcha feature to the site, but there’s no way for me to test to see if it’s working without risking having my account suspended. So, I uninstalled the Subscribe to Comments plug-in for now, and will revisit the issue again in the future if I ever get more readers other than Kevin Spencer and my family.

UPDATE: The invisible captcha plug-in caused war to break out in the Middle East, so I had to uninstall it. To verify you are flesh and blood and not an agent of the system, you must now solve a simple math problem before submitting comments. Sorry about the additional step, but if we allow spammers free reign, it will cause homosexuality to spread to our children and defile the sanctity of marriage. Shout out to Jesus Chrysler and Allah-Peanut Butter Sandwiches.

UPDATE #2: Math plug-in prevented me from replying to comments, so I am now reopening my blog to comment spam. Weeeeeeeee!!!

comment 0

Look, Ma… No Ads!

HahahaComedy.com is now 99.9% ad free. Thanks to the 3 people who clicked on my AdSense over the past 10 months. That $0.53 will definitely be put to good use.

To supplement the loss of revenue, I will be launching HahahaComedy Plus™ in the Fall of 2010. This premium version of HahahaComedy will offer readers:

  • Unlimited page views
  • Vertical and horizontal scrolling
  • The ability to copy and paste text and images
  • 24hr response to all blog comments
  • VIP access to my Amazon Wish List
  • A FREE copy of my poorly selling e-book: “Top Ten Secrets to Being Mediocre”

The introductory price for HahahaComedy Plus™ membership will be $10 per month. The first 1,000 or more readers to sign up will get the non-exclusive opportunity to meet me in person and buy me lunch. No kissing on the mouth.

comment 0

New Website!

If you haven’t noticed, hahahacomedy.com is undergoing some renovations. When it’s done, not only will it look pretty, but it will have some added features that are sure to astound the most unastoundable! If you are one of the three people who happen to visit this site more than once in a lifetime, please excuse the mess for now, and check back shortly for the finished product!

comment 0

Survey Results Are In!

Okay… it’s been a week since I posted my survey. Since then, over 150 people responded which is really quite amazing! I feel I have compiled enough data to start sharing some of my conclusions, so let’s get right to the results:

  1. What are your initials?

    100% of everyone who responded has initials. It turns out we’re no so different from each other after all, huh?

  2. What is your e-mail address?

    I said I wasn’t going to send you anything if you put your real email address. buttcheeks@kissmyass.com is uncalled for!!!

  3. Sex: MALE / FEMALE

    It’s no secret that I’m very popular with the ladies, so I’m not surprised to see that 80% of the responses came from women. I’m guessing the other 20% were from gay men because I’m jut that irresistible.

  4. Estimate how many different people with whom you have had intimate contact. ( Anything from kissing to sex):

    The majority of those who answered this question have had intimate contact with over 100 people. Conclusion: You’re all a bunch of whores! So why am I not getting any?

  5. Choose which best describes you:

    I’m disappointed to report that the majority of those who responded were unable to answer this question because they are too young to know who any of these people are. Ummmmmm… are you all retarded? No, wait… that’s question 29.

  6. As an adult, have you ever experienced any mishaps involving poop?

    77% of you answered YES which is very reassuring, albeit extremely disturbing. Oddly enough, out of everyone who responded to the survey, 100% of the people who have been skydiving have also had mishaps involving poop. Coincidence? I think not!

  7. What is your stance on abortion?

    Over 90% of you are Pro Choice. Only 1 person said they were pro-abortion and that was me. I look at it this way: Odds are, the first guy to knock up a chick is usually the “wrong” guy. Sometimes the dude takes off. Sometimes he’s unfaithful and impregnating girls all over town. Sometimes, the financial and mental responsibilities of having an unplanned child at an early age causes strain on the relationship resulting in divorce. What’s left are an abundance of single moms wondering “Where have all the good men gone?” Well, they’re looking for chicks without kids. Solution? Mandatory abortion for the first pregnancy. It’ll cut down on unwanted pregnancies and put a good scare into all the parties involved. I’ll take your comments now.

  8. Have you ever issued a restraining order?

    Over 60% of women who answered have issued restraining orders. Guys are fucking lunatics.

  9. Have you ever been issued a retraining order?

    Over 60% of women who answered have been issued restraining orders. Women are fucking lunatics.

  10. Have you ever had a bad relationship where YOU were the asshole?

    What? I’m the only one? No one else could possibly be an asshole? Well F you guys!!!

  11. Is your credit worthy of identity theft?

    I’m not sure what conclusion to draw from this questions. Almost all of you do not have worthy credit. Are you all bottom feeders, or were you just scared to answer yes, because I might try to steal your identity? It is sorta sad to see that most of us, including myself, have messed up credit. It seems that everyone gets sucked into that crappy cycle of overwhelming debt. The crazy thing is they make you think it’s your fault. Like you’re a bad person. Meanwhile, the credit card companies spend billions of dollars marketing to college students; trying to get young people locked in tight as soon as possible. I hate giving “Down with Whitey” or “F the Man” speeches, but I’m sick of these giant companies, with their astronomical advertising budgets, pushing their Big Mac’s, Cigarettes, Sodas and Credit Cards on us. While they get richer and richer, we stay fatter, unhealthy, and in debt.F the system man!!! I’ll be right back, I have to go burn my bra.

  12. Have you ever dated someone just for their looks?

    No one said “no”. It was either “yes” or “never had that luxury” which means we’re all either ugly or shallow. There’s nothing worse than someone who is ugly AND shallow. They have the face of a bulldog, but always talk smack about other people’s looks. Do me a favor… next time you see an ugly person, just look them in the eye and say, “You are very ugly.” Then just walk away. It’ll keep the ugly people humble.

  13. What is your take on giving oral sex?

    It’s good to see we have a bunch of enthusiasts out there. So, now that we know people are willing and able, it’s up to us to keep our junk trimmed. It’s only right.

  14. What is the most amount of times you have ever pleasured yourself manually in a 24hr period?

    The only statistic that matters here is the highest number, and that was 15. Honestly… I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to pull through.

  15. Do you wear glasses?

    Contrary to popular belief, based on the data, frequent masturbators have better eyesight. Hah! Take that, Grandma!

  16. Do you agree with all the fuss about In-N-Out Burgers?

    Before In-N-Out Burger came to Arizona, everyone who ever had an In-N-Out burger would never shut up about how great they were. “OH MY GOD! You never had an In-N-Out Burger?!?! Blah blah blah blah THE BEST blah blah blah SOOOooooooo GOOD blah blah blah blah blah.” Well now they’re here, and, to me, they taste like wet 3 day old laundry. So kindly, F off!

  17. Have you ever used the “N Word” in a hateful fashion directly towards someone with high melanin content?

    The folks in Alabama would be proud of you all. That’s all I have to say.

  18. Do you often feel depressed?

    This was pretty much a split with the happy people just edging out the crappy people. In my opinion, however, the happy people are just in denial.

  19. Are you currently involved in a healthy, nourishing, romantic relationship?

    A resounding NO on this one, people. I wonder if there’s any correlation with the fact that we spend too much friggin time on the Internet. Hmmmm…

  20. Have you ever cheated on someone?

    See here’s the crazy thing. A lot of you answered YES to this question but answered NO to question 10. How can you be a cheater but not be the asshole? Perhaps you should reevaluate and go answer question 10 again.

  21. Have you ever been cheated on?

    Over 70% of you have been cheated on. If you answered YES to this question, YES to the last question, but NO to question 10, perhaps the reason why someone cheated on you was because you were an asshole! So go back and change your answer to question 10 already!

  22. If you were forced to participate in bestiality, what animal would you make love to? (must be over 5lbs)

    Dog was the winner on this one with over 60% of the vote. Sheep seemed to be very popular with the men. I want to point out one response from a woman who actually said Mountain Lion. WTF?!?! You need some help, lady!

  23. Do you own any plants?

    Everyone owns a plant. That’s sweet.

  24. Have you ever been skydiving?

    Only 15% of you have been skydiving. I don’t even know why I asked this question.

  25. Have you ever participated in any sexual act that involved more than one wiener?

    This one is interesting. 4 out of 10 people have experienced a sexual act with more than one wiener. For you ladies, you’re a bunch of dirty little birdies!!! For the men, I can draw no conclusion since the sex act in question could be either a gang bang, one on one gay sex, or a gay gang bang.

  26. Do you tend to get along better with your mother or your father?

    The sayings hold true. “A boys best friend is his mother” and “Daddy’s little girl.” However, when you think about it, it is a bit incestuous. If you’re male, you’re likely to resemble your dad, who happens to be your mom’s type. So it just makes sense that you would be her type too, and naturally, you would get along better. The same would go for girls and their dads. So when my mom says stuff like “I don’t know what’s wrong with these girls. If I were your age, I’d totally go for you.” maybe she really means it. OK… I think I’m gonna vomit now.

  27. Have you ever made fun of a retarded person?

    We have all made fun of retarded people. What a shocker!

  28. Has a retarded person ever made fun of you?

    Over 20% of you have been made fun of by a retarded person, and that’s just not right! Let’s go out and kick some retarded ass!

  29. Are you a retarded person? In your opinions you are all not retarded. Further research will be necessary.
  30. At what point in a romantic relationship is it ok to pass wind in front of your partner?

    Women are way too forgiving. Most of you said a few weeks while most men said a few days. What the hell?!? I’m so uptight about passing gas, I was in a relationship for 3 years and not once did I ever fart in front of her. In fact, I don’t think she took a poop in 3 years because I never saw it. Maybe I need to loosen up. PHRRRRRrrrrrt!!!! Ahh that’s better.

  31. Have you ever stolen or embezzled anything valued over $500?

    90% of you are honest Injuns (I mean honest Native Americans). For the other 10%, a squad car will be by to pick you up shortly.

  32. Do you believe in angels?

    Again over 90% of you believe in Angels, but none of you believe in the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Now that’s strange. (Please google the sports reference. I have no faith you’ll get this since most of you don’t even know who Mr. Furley is.)

  33. Do you or did you ever collect Beanie Babies?

    LOSERS!!!

  34. Have you ever collected any part from your body (finger nails, teeth, fluids)?

    This here is a 60% YES question. I didn’t ask for specifics, but I did know someone who used to save his own semen in the freezer and collect stray pubes. He was not my friend by the way.

  35. Would you kill your own pet to save a stranger’s life?

    Everyone said no to this one. So, either we place no value on human life unless we happen to know them, OR we’re so against killing we couldn’t even hurt an animal. Don’t worry, I’m not passing judgment. I wouldn’t kill my cat to save one of you fuckers either.

  36. Ladies: Have you ever or would you be willing to strap on a ding dong and do your man in the butt?
    Men: Have you ever or would you be willing to let your lady strap on a ding dong and do you in the butt?

    I already knew what the results would be to this question, because I find a way to bring it up all the time. Over 80% of the women said they would strap on a dildo and do their men in the butt. For some reason, the thought of doing that seems to be a turn-on for a lot of women. There are definitely some power and dominance issues going on here. Unfortunately for you, only 2% of the men would actually let that happen. No tush push for us. Sorry.

Wow! That was a lot of typing. I don’t think I’ll ever do that again. I hope you all acquired some insight into the human condition. Personally I think you’re all just a bunch of weirdos!

comment 0

Getting to Know You…

Well, it looks like I scared you all away with that dream log, huh? It’s probably best then if I don’t share any more of my inner psyche with you guys. Maybe I’ll stick to the more conventional forms of reflection and self discovery like those little quizzes everyone does on Myspace that ask “When was the last time you cried?” or “How long was your longest relationship?”

Don’t you guys ever get sick of posting those questionnaires, and doing those tests, and finding out what kind of porn star, breakfast cereal, or animal you are? Can you imagine how many little quizzes n’ stuff are actually floating around Myspace right now? There must be thousands. I wonder what happens with all that data. I wonder if there’s some marketing company out there secretly compiling what our favorite colors are or how many blow jobs we’ve given (so far I’m at zero).

So, in the name of science, developed my own survey and asked the thought provoking questions people really want to know.

Please take a few moments to answer th following questions. Once I have accumulated sufficient data, I will post the results, and maybe analyze what it all means. Answer honestly and it won’t hurt as much. Oh and don’t stress about providing your email address, I’m not going to send you anything or put you on any lists.

  1. What are your initials?
  2. What is your e-mail address?
  3. Sex: MALE / FEMALE
  4. Estimate how many different people with whom you have had intimate contact. (Anything from kissing to sex)
  5. As an adult, have you ever experienced any mishaps involving poop?
  6. What is your stance on abortion?
  7. Have you ever issued a restraining order?
  8. Have you ever been issued a retraining order?
  9. Have you ever had a bad relationship where YOU were the asshole?
  10. Is your credit worthy of identity theft?
  11. Have you ever dated someone just for their looks?
  12. What is your take on giving oral sex?
  13. What is the most amount of times you have ever pleasured yourself manually in a 24hr period?
  14. Do you wear glasses?
  15. Do you agree with all the fuss about In-N-Out Burgers?
  16. Have you ever used the “N Word” in a hateful fashion directly towards someone with high melanin content?
  17. Do you often feel depressed?
  18. Are you currently involved in a healthy, nourishing, romantic relationship?
  19. Have you ever cheated on someone?
  20. Have you ever been cheated on?
  21. If you were forced to participate in bestiality, what animal would you make love to? (must be over 5lbs)
  22. Do you own any plants?
  23. Have you ever been skydiving?
  24. Have you ever participated in any sexual act that involved more than one wiener?
  25. Do you tend to get along better with your mother or your father?
  26. Have you ever made fun of a retarded person?
  27. Has a retarded person ever made fun of you?
  28. Are you a retarded person?
  29. At what point in a romantic relationship is it ok to pass wind in front of your partner?
  30. Have you ever stolen or embezzled anything valued over $500?
  31. Do you believe in angels?
  32. Do you or did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
  33. Have you ever collected any part from your body (finger nails, teeth, fluids)?
  34. Would you kill your own pet to save a stranger’s life?
  35. Ladies: Have you ever or would you be willing to strap on a ding dong and do your man in the butt? Men: Have you ever or would you be willing to let your lady strap on a ding dong and do you in the butt?