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Butterfly Crap!

I’ve been tricked again into seeing another shitty movie! My problem is I’m too trusting when it comes to someone telling me a movie was really good. This time the recommendation came from my mother. I should have known better because my mom is notorious for having the worst taste in movies. Have you ever gone into a video store, read the back cover of a DVD, and asked yourself, “Who the F would ever rent this garbage?” My mother would. That’s who.

Anyway, when my Mother suggested I watch “The Butterfly Effect” with Ashton Kutcher, I immediately refused. First of all, I hate Ashton Kutcher, and second, well… I hate Ashton Kutcher. I guess what made me reconsider was the fact that the film was more mainstream than the completely obscure titles my mother usually rents. Not only that, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her as confident that I’d like a movie as much as she was. So I caved in.

Since I already wasted 2 hours of my life watching this piece of crap disguised as a movie, I figured why not take a few extra minutes more to review it? With any luck, I can prevent someone else from watching it.

Here’s a quick plot summary:

Ashton Kutcher’s character’s childhood is plagued by reoccurring, mysterious blackouts. When he wakes up from each blackout, something terrible has happened to either him or his childhood friends. The twist is, he can’t remember what happened. We eventually find out later that during these blackouts, he gets molested, his friend kills his dog, a prank goes wrong and they kill a woman and child, and the list goes on.

As a child, young Ashton keeps journals of all the events leading up to and immediately following each black out. When he grows up, he discovers that when he reads his old journals, and gets to the parts where he blacks out, he is magically transported back in time and can see the events that he was never able to remember. In fact, he’s actually able to change the course of time by preventing the horrible outcomes.

Although well-intended, Ashton’s interference with the past ends up creating an alternate future in which things are even worse than they were before. Eventually, he resigns to the fact that it was best to have never changed the past in the fist place. He decides to fix all the things he changed by using his last chance to go back in time to prevent himself from ever meeting his childhood friends. I read somewhere that in an alternate ending, he actually prevents himself from being born. Personally, I would have preferred if he went back in time and never made the movie.

In theory, the story sorta sounds interesting, but it wasn’t. That’s saying a lot coming from me, because I usually love time travel movies.

This movie goes from being way too dark, grim, and disturbing to being super gimmicky and lame. In one of the time travel episodes, adult Ashton goes back in time and prevents his friend’s father from filming child pornography staring his daughter and young Ashton. Ashton returns to the present only to discover that his change caused him and his girlfriend to become a stereotypical frat guy and sorority girl couple. Total bummer, bro! Zany hi-jinks ensues.

After watching this move, I think I can say I hate Ashton Kutcher’s “work” even more than I did before. In all fairness, trying to match his riveting performance in “Dude Where’s My Car” was quite a tall order, and he was bound to come up short. I guess they all can’t be winners. In my opinion the child actors did a far better job of acting than the adults. I still have no clue how they decided to cast the woman who played Ashton’s mom. She literally sounded like she was sucking on helium.

Whenever I watch a bad movie I still try find at least one redeeming quality to compliment, or I try to think of what they could have changed to make it better. This movie made it virtually impossible to do either. The only thing that would have made this movie better is if Ashton Kutcher wasn’t in it. It still would have sucked, but at least I wouldn’t have had to look at his face.

I give this movie one huge thumbs-up the butt.