eCacophony
Hellooooo everybodieeeeeee!!! I’m back from California, and I’m completely exhausted. The seminar went great and it resulted in lots of future moolah. The weather was beautiful. The food was delish. The women were pretty spicy. The hotel was phenomenal. Aaaaand, I looked pretty spiffy in my new suit.
That’s all I have to say about that.
So, I did it again! I couldn’t resist. I was hornswaggled by them there marketing people on that there television set.
Persuaded by a TV advertisement, I joined eHarmony.com; taking another stab at finding love online. eHarmony offers their patented 359 point personality profile which ranks you in 29 dimensions deemed “crucial for relationship success.” THEN they match you with people who, according to their research, are scientifically compatible with you. It sounded pretty simple, and the guy in the commercial seemed very sincere, so I dropped $90 and signed up for 6 months; joining the ranks of thousands of other suckers.
To start out, I logged on and spent over an hour filling out their questionnaire. The problem with the types of questions they ask is, the people who are answering them are so socially retarded when it comes to the opposite sex, they have no clue what they want and can’t think of why anyone would want them. So, by the time I was done, I had successfully built a personality profile of a desperate loser with major insecurities and self-esteem issues. An hour in, and I was ready to put a bullet in my head.
Nevertheless, I still clung to a small shred of optimism! I figured there has to be someone out there for me. I crossed my fingers and clicked on “Get My Results”. Well, it turns out that according to their analysis, I am attracted to the female personality type, which 90 percent of all men are attracted to. Go figure 
. Unfortunately, only 4 percent of all women are attracted to my personality type. That means out of every 25 women only one would be attracted to my personality alone! Now eHarmony doesn’t seem to think that physical attraction means anything, but you and I know better. And that led me to ask myself, if only 4 out of 100 women would like my personality, how many of those 4 would find me physically attractive too? Mathematically speaking, things did not look too promising.
Even though the odds seemed stacked against me, I still pressed on. I filled out the rest of my profile, posted a few pictures, and before long, I was ready to submit my info to their matchmaking system to see what love had to offer. I clicked “send” and was taken to a page which assured me they were working hard to find my potential mate, and advised me to be patient, as these sorts of things take time and should not be rushed.
After what I think was 2 minutes of fake searching, it spit out only 3 matches. 3 out of the entire state of Arizona. 3! Granted it doesn’t tell you how many people are signed up with them, but 3?!? C’mon! I wondered how many people just throw in the towel and turn gay after going through this process.
Anyway, I said “F that!”, and I decided to cancel my membership. It took me a while to find the cancel link, and when I clicked it, it took me to to a FAQ page. I guess they want to make sure you completely understand how everything works before you decide to cancel. The one question on the FAQ page that caught my eye was “Why do I have so few matches?” The way they explain it, it’s because their system is soooooo advanced, they don’t give you just any long list of potential mates like other sites do. They supply fewer, but much more qualified and compatible matches. They even go so far as to guarantee 7 – 12 matches for the whole year! Then they remind you that it could take several years to find the right match, but you shouldn’t give up! Oh no… never give up, and don’t stop sending them money.
Since I didn’t need to pay them to help me stay single for a few more years, I proceeded with the cancellation. All I had to do now was click here… then click there to be sure… then another click to verify… then click again to approve, and voila! WHAT THE FUCK!?! In order to complete the cancellation, I had to call them on the phone!!! Of course it was already too late to call at that time, so I had to wait until the next day. The next morning, when I dialed the number, I got a message saying, “We’re sorry, our system is currently down for routine maintenance. Please call back again. Thank you!” I got the same message the next day, and the day after that. The following day, I had to go to California and didn’t try to call while I was there.
To make a long story short, I passed my free trial period, and I’m stuck with 6 months of reminders of how not compatible I am with women. So, I’d like to take this time to send out a heart felt “Go fuck yourself!” to eHarmony.com
Thank you very much, and have a good night.
Oh, if there happens to be an eHarmony.com ad below this post, don’t click on it!
Dear Az,
So sorry you had a limited but bad experience. Perhaps you were spared from the dumb psycho girls out there. I wish you the best in your search.
At least Eharmony kept your seledctions to your home state. Even though i answered my questions acurately and honestly they seemed to keep pairing me up with guys from states all over the country and of a huge spectrum of ethic-sities (i spelled that carefully). I guess “spiritual but not religous” is a good selection because a person does not have to own up to any particular religion (opening a wider selection of dates) but does not promise any ethics. Hmmmm, if he posts expensive looking toys in his photo, then it must be ok to “accidentally” type a 8 instead of an 5 in the inches part of the entry for height (Hello! 5’8″ is a lot taller than 5’5″, especially when a girl wants to wear her heels!)
And, if he keeps mentioning how much money he pays for his planes,
“I think he said, “if you don’t have looks or charm, go with hardware ” ie planes
then a girl will forgive his SOFTware…
Oh Please!
Finally, guys, when you do convince a girl (and hint, if you are worried about calling out the wrong name in bed “Girl” must be the right name to repeat)
to spend the night with you
a) do NOT bring a partially used tube of KY with you
b) HIDE your Lithium prescription
and
c) when she assures you that she cannot get pregnant because she has taken precautions,!
Do Not, I repeat, Do NOT ask her if everything still works down there (especially when you didn’t need the used tube of KY-
PS it is bad form to tell a girl that “she makes a good wind break”
hmmm, at least he didn’t say that I was good at breaking wind….
PPS it is bad KARMA to sleep with more than one girl at the same time when you are “looking for your soulmate” on eharmony!
PPS “Girls” caution about recently divorced guys in recovery in I.V. Nevada
JPR – Thanks for your comment. I hope you weren’t describing actual dates you’ve had from eHarmony. Sounds like some real nightmares.
I totally agree with you about the used KY Jelly. I prefer a fresh tube on a first date. Or I’ll lube up before I leave the house. It’s much more convenient.