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El Paino en el Asso

Just when I started to think I was insignificant, I go away for a few days, and everyone wants to know what happened to me.

No need to worry. I’m alive and well. In fact, I went to Rocky Point on Thursday and got back late in the afternoon yesterday.

What started out as a long anticipated getaway filled with fun and relaxation turned out to be an aggravating series of inconveniences and drama between friends. Here’s the short version:

This year’s Mexico group consisted of about 40 people.  We rented 6 condos on the beach overlooking the ocean. My condo had 6 people in it: me, Rory, Mike, Bracken, Andy, and Andy’s wife (I forgot her name). Out of all the condos, ours ends up being the one that had a horrendous sewage problem.  The entire place smelled like human feces. It was so bad, the very first night, Andy and his wife made the decision to go home first thing in the morning.

My friend Larry, and the rest of the gang convinced them to stay, and Andy agreed to try to stick it out. When morning came, however, Andy had a change of heart and decided to leave anyway.  In order to get his portion of the deposit back, Andy checked all of us out of the condo without discussing it with the rest of the group; leaving me, Rory, Bracken, and Mike stranded with no place to stay.

Between the 4 of us, we didn’t have enough money to get another condo, so Larry offered to let us stay in his. I felt a bit uncomfortable because there were already 3 married couples and two children staying there.  Larry’s wife, however, got pissed off because Larry didn’t clear it with her before he made the offer.  She wanted us to pay an equal portion of the condo fee, but I would have rather gone home than pay to sleep on a couch and use my pajama bottoms as a towel.

That night, the air conditioning went out on the first floor, and guess who was the only person sleeping on the first floor? You got it!  So I slept in a disgusting puddle of sweat and couch juice, and ended up breaking out in giant zits all over my back and scalp. For the rest of the trip, the AC stayed broken, and the weather was so hot and humid, I went through 4 shirts in one night.

Other Mexico highlights:

One entire condo of people from our group got arrested (for what I still don’t know) and they ended up fleeing the country.

Bracken mixed up a batch of his self-titled “Brack Attack” alcoholic beverage, and poisoned his liver with multiple doses, transforming him into a fountain of shrimp flavored vomit (see images below). In between heaves, he begged us all not to let him die, and proclaimed his love for his wife and daughter, and of course, Carlita the Mexican stripper he met that night.

Beach Boy and the Shrimp Shack Shooters strapped on the guitar, keyboard, harmonica, bongos, and maracas, and really put on a great show Saturday night. By far, the best part of the weekend.

Justin Lavender added another notch to his bedpost, managing to close the deal in less than two minutes. A new land speed record.

Somehow, Hooks was able to avoid any near death experiences this time. However, for the second year in a row, he broke a chair and fell on his ass. Oh, and he lost focus while pissing and peed all over his robe. Who the F wears a robe anyway???

I guess that’s it. I think I’m ready for a vacation now.

Click on the thumbnails below to see photos of the trip.
WARNING!!!
Photo 150 is of human poo (not mine).

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