Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

I have been using the Internet to meet women for over 13 years. That’s before the Internet even had pictures! In that time, I’ve tried almost every dating site, talked to hundreds of mentally unstable women, been on countless, tortuous blind dates, been stalked, stood-up, tricked into meeting gay guys, and even had one successful booty call (although I had to drive like 4 hours one way to get it).

13 years later and I’m still at it. What am I, retarded?

Anyway, after years of reading personal ads and dating profiles, I discovered that women have a code; a secret code they use to say one thing but really mean another. If you know how to crack the code, you can avoid being disappointed, and possibly have a better chance of finding that special someone.

Here are the 8 most common code phrases used by women in online dating profiles along with their never before revealed decoded definitions.

1. “I’m laid back.”
   “I smoke weed.”
2. “I’m just one of the guys.”
   “I’ve been banged by 20 different guys and we all still like to get together to watch football on Sundays. Oh, and don’t expect me to stop hanging out with them just because we start dating.”
3. “I’m tired of games.”
   “I’m only happy when men treat me like shit. Expect frequent confrontations with my ex-boyfriend.”
4. “I’m religious.”
   “I have 3 kids, a failed marriage, and a dead-end job.”
5. “I’m independent.”
   “I have serious commitment issues, and possibly some gender equality hang-ups.”
6. “I like a guy who can make me laugh.”
   “Fuck sense of humor! If you’re really good looking, you can fart under the covers and I’ll think it’s funny!”
7. “I’m not looking for a one night stand.”
   “I have a kid and have no idea who or where the father is. If you play your cards right and promise to call me, I’ll let you get into my pants on the first date.”
8. “I’ll try anything once.”
   “I take it in the butt.”

There you go! The code has been cracked! I hope this helps my fellow online Don Juans. Feel free to post your deciphered codes in the comment section below.

Until next time…

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