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Would You Like a Giant Sack for Those Balls?

Sometimes I wish I had a pair of giant, hairy balls, the size of watermelons, that would hang down below my knees, and when I walked they’d swing with such force, the pendulous motion would first knock down everyone in my path, and as I stepped over the fallen victims, they’d get a nice whack across the nose on the back swing. Perhaps with a set of balls  like those I’d be able to compete with the audacity of the people around me.

I want to preface the following story by saying, I don’t like to complain. I know I’m good at it, and I know it seems like I do it often, but honestly I’d much rather have things go my way. I would truly prefer to log on and blog about how the stars always seem to be aligned in my favor, and how I’m terrible at playing hide and seek with good fortune because it always finds me. Unfortunately, that’s not my path. That is not my destiny. That is not my Ka.

My boss’ son is getting married on Saturday. For some unknown reason, I got an invite to the wedding. I say unknown because I barely know the guy, and maybe I met his fiancé one time. Also, not everyone from the office was invited. In fact the guest list was so limited, it was requested that I not even bring a date. Honestly, why bother? If you aren’t going to allow someone to bring a guest to a wedding, you probably shouldn’t invite that person in the first place.

I suspect the only reason why I was invited is because my mother happens to be my boss’s best (and possibly only) friend. So the way I figure things went down with the invitations was my boss probably insisted on an invitation for my mother and her girlfriend, and just because I happen to be my mother’s son as well as an employee, she probably pressured him into inviting me too. I’m guessing the son reluctantly agreed but with the stipulation that I couldn’t bring a guest. I mean, how else would it have come up? As far as I knew there were no restrictions on any of the other invitees.

Let it be stated for the record, that I never wanted to go to this wedding in the first place; with a date or without one. I don’t particularly like my boss, and her son is a know-it-all, useless-fact-regurgitating, monstrous bore who happens to be marrying a girl who is way too smart and attractive for him. Nevertheless, I felt I couldn’t refuse the invitation and risk the consequences of bad office politics and poor etiquette. I figured I’d show up for the ceremony, stay for the first part of the reception, then bail. No muss, no fuss.

So today, I logged onto the Robinsons-May website to get the happy couple a few gifts from their registry. I’m annoyed that I have to go by myself, but not too annoyed that I can’t get them a nice gift. I’m not a complete douche. I bought them a set of nice martini glasses, a margarita set, and a wooden storage case for some expensive flatware they were asking for. It came out to like $120. Not too much, but not cheap cheap. Nice enough I think that they might feel slightly guilty for not allowing me to bring a date. Feel free to comment if you disagree with my perception of cheap and not cheap. I know nothing about wedding gifts.

I apologize for boring you with the big lead in, but I thought it was necessary in order to get a better idea of the whole situation. Now it’s time to pay attention again, because here comes the big kick in the ass; the balls across the nose, if you will:

Almost simultaneously, as I completed my online wedding gift purchase, I receive an email from the bride-to-be.

This is the actual email with names and other extraneous information removed:

Hi Eric,

I was wondering if you would do me a huge favor. I don’t have a videographer.

So I was wondering if you would mind taking some footage for me? I just need the main events – ceremony, entrance/first dance, parent dances, toasts, cake cutting, and the bouquet/garter toss. I have a video camera that you can use and a tripod. Let me know if you’d be interested. Thanks!

What the fuck?!?! Seriously, what the fuck??? Can you believe that?!?! I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, how does a person overlook hiring someone to take video at their wedding? Especially considering how I’ve had to listen to my boss brag about how much money she spent on the wedding, and how she also got them a brand new Toyota Highlander as a wedding gift, and how she paid for their trip to Europe for their honeymoon!

Honestly, I don’t know at whom should I be more furious; my boss for obviously “volunteering” me, or the bride and groom for not recognizing how friggin rude it is to ask me to work their wedding. I can only assume the bride and groom were pissed off for having to invite me in the first place, and figured I wasn’t good for a decent gift, and in order to get their money’s worth, they asked out of spite, knowing I couldn’t say no. Again, I don’t even know these people well enough for them to ask to borrow five bucks let alone film their wedding for free. The only other explanation would be they all intended to ask me to be the cameraman from the start, and the initial invitation was offered to get me committed to attending.

Either way, Where do people get balls this big and where can I get a pair? PLUS to have to nerve to say, “I JUST need the main events: The ceremony, entrance, first dance, parent dances, toasts, cake cutting, and the bouquet toss.” Well what the fuck else is there?!?! Footage of the guests chewing on food? The newlyweds banging in the back of the limo?

The shittiest part is, I feel like I can’t say no because my boss is the type of person who holds grudges and plays favorites at the office. I know that makes me sound kinda spineless, but I can’t see how refusing could be beneficial to my career.

I’m so disgusted with everything and everybody right now.

I’m changing my name to Matt so I won’t be so blindsided when people step all over me.

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