Getting to Know You…

August 1, 2005, Posted by Eric Schneider at 8:45 pm

Well, it looks like I scared you all away with that dream log, huh? It’s probably best then if I don’t share any more of my inner psyche with you guys. Maybe I’ll stick to the more conventional forms of reflection and self discovery like those little quizzes everyone does on Myspace that ask “When was the last time you cried?” or “How long was your longest relationship?”

Don’t you guys ever get sick of posting those questionnaires, and doing those tests, and finding out what kind of porn star, breakfast cereal, or animal you are? Can you imagine how many little quizzes n’ stuff are actually floating around Myspace right now? There must be thousands. I wonder what happens with all that data. I wonder if there’s some marketing company out there secretly compiling what our favorite colors are or how many blow jobs we’ve given (so far I’m at zero).

So, in the name of science, developed my own survey and asked the thought provoking questions people really want to know.

Please take a few moments to answer th following questions. Once I have accumulated sufficient data, I will post the results, and maybe analyze what it all means. Answer honestly and it won’t hurt as much. Oh and don’t stress about providing your email address, I’m not going to send you anything or put you on any lists.

  1. Your Initials (required):


  2. Email Address (required):


  3. Sex
     Male Female


  4. Estimate how many different people with whom you have had intimate contact. ( Anything from kissing to sex):


  5. Choose which best describes you:
     Mary Ann Ginger
     Elmo Grover
     Harry Hendersons
     Laverne Shirley
     Roger Rerun
     Hitler Bin Laden
     Mr. Roper Mr. Furley


  6. As an adult, have you ever experienced any mishaps involving poop?
     Yes No


  7. What is your stance on abortion?
     Pro-Choice Pro-Life Pro-Abortion


  8. Have you ever issued a restraining order?
     Yes No


  9. Have you ever been issued a retraining order?
     Yes No


  10. Have you ever had a bad relationship where YOU were the asshole?
     Yes No


  11. Is your credit worthy of identity theft?
     Yes No


  12. Have you ever dated someone just for their looks?
     Yes No Never had that luxury


  13. What is your take on giving oral sex?
     No way! All day! Holidays


  14. What is the most amount of times you have ever pleasured yourself manually in a 24hr period?


  15. Do you wear glasses?
     Yes No


  16. Do you agree with all the fuss about In-N-Out Burgers?
     Yes No What's an In-N-Out Burger?


  17. Have you ever used the "N Word" in a hateful fashion directly towards someone with high melanin content?
     Yes No


  18. Do you often feel depressed?
     Yes No


  19. Are you currently involved in a healthy, nourishing, romantic relationship?
     Yes No


  20. Have you ever cheated on someone?
     Yes No


  21. Have you ever been cheated on?
     Yes No


  22. If you were forced to participate in bestiality, what animal would you make love to? (must be over 5lbs):


  23. Do you own any plants?
     Yes No


  24. Have you ever been skydiving?
     Yes No


  25. Have you ever participated in any sexual act that involved more than one wiener?
     Yes No


  26. Do you tend to get along better with your mother or your father?
     Mother Father


  27. Have you ever made fun of a retarded person?
     Yes No


  28. Has a retarded person ever made fun of you?
     Yes No


  29. Are you a retarded person?
     Yes No


  30. At what point in a romantic relationship is it ok to pass gas in front of your partner?
     First date A few days A few months A few years Never!


  31. Have you ever stolen or embezzled anything valued over $500?
     Yes No


  32. Do you believe in angels?
     Yes No


  33. Do you or did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
     Yes No


  34. Have you ever collected any part from your body (finger nails, teeth, fluids)?
     Yes No


  35. Would you kill your own pet to save a stranger's life?
     Yes No


  36. Finally, the last question. This one is for the heterosexual ladies & men. If you're gay just leave it blank. You'll see why in a second.

    Ladies: Have you ever or would you be willing to strap on a ding dong and do your man in the butt?

    Men: Have you ever or would you be willing to let your lady strap on a ding dong and do you in the butt?
     Yes No

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