Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

Like so many times before, my latest attempt at getting into shape has fallen short. My trainer was supposed to call me to set up my next appointment, but I haven’t heard from him in about two weeks. Of course I haven’t been sticking to my diet either, so now, even my underwear are staring to get tight. Sure, I could have gone to the gym by myself without scheduling an appointment, but what the F am I paying the trainer for? Motivation and support, no?

Well it turns out my trainer doesn’t work at the gym anymore. No, I haven’t lost my mind. This is not the same blog I posted last month. This is another trainer! The new guy they put me with quit and they didn’t bother to tell me for 2 weeks! I’m going in on Monday to get my money back.

The good news is I got a new car this week. I couldn’t wait around anymore for MTV to come and pimp my ride, so I traded in my lovely 1990 Ford Probe and stepped up to a 2005 Ford Focus. It was really a toss up between the Focus and the Bentley, but the Bentley only comes in leather, and I didn’t want leather in the hot AZ sun. You know how it is. Anyway, I’m pretty happy with the new ride. It’s nice to be able to drive over 50 mph without feeling like my car is going into an epileptic seizure.

I don’t know if any of you know, but I worked for Earnhardt Ford for like 7 years, so if anyone needs a car, let me know. I can hook you up with someone who will take very good care of you and won’t rip you off.

What’s up with the hierarchy of friends on my myspace friends list? Occupying the top spot is some gay dude from NJ. To be truthful, I have no official confirmation that he’s gay. He just looks gay. Is it possible that friends are just listed randomly? That would totally screw with my compulsive need to have everything make sense.

Anyway, I went to the dentist today for the first time in uhhhhhh 13 years. Lucky for me, I have a good set of choppers and it doesn’t appear as if the Cavity Creeps invaded my mouth. The bad news is I have 13 years of plaque build-up that needs to be removed with a jackhammer. The other bad news is I need to have all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled. I shall be completely void of wisdom soon.

I have to say that a lot has changed since my last visit to the dentist. They remove plaque with sound now! Did you know that? You did? Well that’s probably because you all had parents who loved you and cared about your oral hygiene. Anyway it’s very cool, but the coolness factor is completely offset by the fact that it hurts like hell. I just had a surface cleaning today, but I have to go back in a few weeks for part one of the DEEP cleaning.

So here’s a little funny story: I used to work at a car dealership for about 7 years in the Internet sales department. It was a pretty fun job. I worked with a bunch of young guys who liked to party and make a fast dollar. It was sorta like working in a fraternity. Most of the time, the environment was raucous and juvenile, characterized by our non-stop cursing, fighting, and ball busting. To express our affinity for each other, we’d call each other endearing names like “dick face”, “ballsackomajorawitz”, and my personal favorite “dirty cock”. We actually used “dirty cock” for almost every occasion; similar to the word “dude”.

So, yesterday I stopped by the dealership to say hi to the old gang. As soon as I walked in the door, I was greeted with an enthusiastic, “HEEEEYYYY!!! DIRTY COCK!!!” Ahhhhh the sounds of home!

I made my rounds, saying hi to everyone I knew; stopping once in a while to have a quick conversation. When I walked past the finance office, I heard my name being called by my friend Ken. He asked me to come talk to him because he had a big surprise for me. I walked into his office and, from underneath a stack of papers, Ken pulled this thing out:

Needless to say, I was like “DIRTY COCK!!!! How the F did you get the State to make that? Don’t you have to explain to them what it means?”

You’re not going to believe this, but he told the Motor Vehicle Department that he’s a doctor, he has a side business selling neckties, and he also loves to kayak. So he took Doctor Tie and Kayak and combined them to make DRTYKAK.

It turns out, his wife wouldn’t let him put the license plate on his truck, so he gave it to me! I can throw it on my car for a $25 transfer fee, but I have no idea how I’m going to explain why I have DIRTY COCK on my license plate. I don’t think Ill be able to get away with the whole Doctor Tie Kayak thing. How many doctors do you know drive a 1990 Ford Probe?

The World Famous Dr. Tykak

Although I try not to think I wear the mark of the eternal fool, my life seems to be characterized by a series of goofy blunders, unfortunate coincidences, and tragic events. Most of the time, it’s nothing major; just enough to keep the Big Guy upstairs laughing and clapping like a retarded kid at a Wiggles concert.

Tonight, I was on my way out to a basketball game, got into my car, turned the key, and…. nothing. Well not nothing nothing. Just not the something I wanted. Dead battery. 2nd time this summer.

I wondered what were the chances one of my neighbors would help me out and give me a jump. These are the same neighbors who watched me try to move an 8 foot couch into my apartment all by myself and didn’t bother to ask if I needed help. Dirty coxuckers!

So I grabbed my jumper cables, and knocked on this Mexican dude’s door. I guess I don’t really need to specify he’s Mexican since all my neighbors are Mexican. Anyway I asked him if he would give me a jump. He said he had no cables and tried to close the door in my face. So I pushed the door back open and held my cables up to show him I was fully equipped. He rolled his eyes, sucked his teeth, and yelled back to his girlfriend, in Spanish, that he was going outside to help the asshole from across the way. There wo need to tell him I understand Spanish considering how generous he was being.

A few moments later, we got my car started. Thankfully it went a lot smoother than the last time I had to jump my car when I painfully discovered someone mounted my battery backwards. I ended up crossing the negative and the positive contacts, and melted the jumper cables and burnt my hand.

Anyway, I said to my neighbor, “Thank you sooo much! I really appreciate it!” I never felt so white in my life.

I really didn’t have time stick around and let the battery recharge,  so I got in the car and took off right away. I managed to make it three blocks away from my apartment before the car died again. I happen to live in one of those shitty ass neighborhoods located right next to a really nice neighborhood. Lucky for me, my car took a shit on the good side, and someone actually jumped out of their car and helped me push my car to a safe area.

I was about to pull my hair out when I looked up and saw a Checker Auto Parts right across the street!!! Yippie!!!

I ran across the street and burst into the store like I was in an old western, barging into the saloon after being lost in the desert for 3 days. Well guess what? Those fuckers wouldn’t help me change my battery because I broke down across the street, and their policy forbids them from leaving the premises. They wouldn’t even lend me a fucking wrench to change the battery myself. So, I bought a wrench and a battery and hauled my ass back to my car. Of course the wrench only worked on 3 of the 4 nuts I needed to un-nut. The 4th one was different because a few months ago, someone broke into my car and stole all my stereo equipment and they severed the battery cable in order to disable the alarm. Because they don’t make the battery harness for that car anymore, I had someone custom make a new one for me, and he happened to use a different size nut.

So I went back to the store to try to guess what size wrench I would need, but this time there were more people in the store, and it took forever to get up to the counter. When I finally did, the guy told me I was in the line for people who needed parts from the back. I needed to be in the check out line which was the long line next to me. FUCK!!!

Guess what? I bought the wrong size wrench again. There was no way for me know what size wrench I needed because I’m just not tooly that way!!! Well, I decided I wasn’t going back to the store, and instead I started pummeling the nut with the wrench while I called it a motherfucker over and over. I ended up cutting my hand, but I also managed to loosen the nut, and even change the battery!

It was smooth sailing from there, except for the fact that, in my complete rage, I spaced out and drove to work instead of the arena.

Eventually I did get to the game at around halftime. Oh and I ran into that girl who bought my old couch! I’m sure being covered in sweat, grease, dirt, and a little bit of blood really turned her on. Doh!

Stay tuned for the next episode of The Eric Schneider Show.

P.S. We lost the game.