Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

Today’s blog entry is brought to you by Wal-Mart, which is where I went last night, intending to do some Christmas shopping. On the way in, however, I ran into the Christmas angel tree thingy where poor kids write their Christmas wishes on paper angels, and hang them on a tree. Then do-gooders, like myself, are supposed to pick an angel off the tree and buy that child the item they asked for. Personally, I think it’s a pretty crappy way for Wal-Mart to boost sales during the holidays, but I’m a sucker for kids, so I decided to pick an angel from the tree.

I started skimming through the angels, trying to find a child that asked for something I could buy without too much hassle. The first few I read were from kids asking for school clothing, but how was I supposed to know what size to get, or what styles they might like? The last thing I need is some underprivileged kid getting beat up at school because of the shitty outfit I got him for Christmas.

The next angel I came to was from Efrain. Efrain was 11 years old and the only thing he wanted for Christmas was a Bible. I’m not religious, but I felt a little twinge in my heart because in my mind, Efrain is this little poor Mexican boy who was taken from his home because his parents beat him, and has since been passed around foster homes where he has endured unspeakable mental, physical, and sexual abuse. I see little Efrain sitting on Santa’s lap, and Santa asks him what he wants for Christmas. Efrain looks up at Santa with hard, yet innocent, doe eyes and says, “Santa, all I want for Christmas is a Bible so I may never lose my way in life.” Of course, in my mind, this all happens in Spanish with subtitles.

I thought to myself, “Efrain, your dreams are about to come true!” I was about to pull his angel off the tree and dash over to the book aisle, when below it I saw an angel from Juan who also wanted a Bible. A few angels to the right of Juan’s was Jorge’s who wanted a Bible as well. All in all, there were roughly 20 children on that tree, all Mexican, (and oddly enough, there were no duplicate names), and they all wanted Bibles. I hate to be cynical, but it appeared to me that some church was just making up fake Mexican children in order to stock up on a bunch of new Bibles. This revelation quickly brought me back to reality. I mean, who the crap asks for a Bible for Christmas anyway? If you ask me, I think even Jesus would be pissed off if he got a bible.

By then I had been standing at the angel tree for about 15 minutes and had yet to find a suitable angel. I was there so long, I think I started making the Wal-Mart Retarded Greater Person feel uncomfortable. I continued to read through the angels, but at by then, I felt somewhat skeptical about every one. I started making up stories about who the kids were, and based on their names, I would make judgments as to whether or not they deserved the item they asked for. I decided I wouldn’t choose a kid if his name sounded like he was tough, because I didn’t want to buy anything for someone who may try to rob me one day. Yeah, I know… I’m an idiot.

Then, I came across Jason’s angel. Jason wanted either an Alan Iverson Jersey or a Julius Irving Throwback Jersey. Jason was 18 years old. I pulled out my pen, and wrote on the back of his paper angel, “Jason, get a job!”

Finally I found Jessica. Jessica was 15yrs old and wanted a CD player, and a few CD’s. I was so drained from picking an angel from that stupid tree, I didn’t even bother doing any Christmas shopping. I went straight to Electronics department, got a CD player, a pack of batteries, and a gift card for CD’s, paid for them, dropped them in the tree angel gift bin, and went home.

Merry Christmas, Jessica!

ZZzzzz ZZZZzzzzzzz….

Holy crap am I bored or what? The only thing keeping me awake is my co-worker yelling at her kids over the phone. I hate when parents drag their kids’ drama into the workplace. Maybe I’m mean, but I don’t care about other people’s kids. Wait, let me clarify. I love kids. It’s the parents I don’t care for. Especially when their kids are small and you have to hear them brag about how talented their 2 yr old is: Oh, little Mikey bangs on the table. He’s gonna be a famous drummer! And little Kathy plays with her own poop. She’s going to be a famous sculptor! Whatever! Come talk to me when little Kathy is 15 and she’s hopped on crystal meth and getting doinked by 50yr old perverts so she can pay for her next score.

Lots of my friends have kids now, and it’s almost impossible for them to talk about anything other than their children. EVER! I was at a strip club with a friend and this chick jumps up on the pole upside down, spreads her legs, and starts spinning around like a helicopter. There’s boobs and cooch flying everywhere and my friend says “Lincoln would have such a good time here. He’d ask to slide down the fireman’s pole.”

I don’t know, but I just don’t want to be thinking about my friend’s 2yr. old son when I’m staring at naked women. Sorta ruins the mood.

I can’t wait until I have kids, I’m going to bore the fuck out of everyone within a 3 mile radius with every mundane detail about my child. I’m going to force everyone to know the color of its poop to every new sound they make. In fact, I’m going publish a newsletter and make everyone I know read it while I read over their shoulders and comment and point at everything I wrote. Then, I’ll make them laugh at all the  things only I find cute and funny.

How’d I get off on that whole tangent? I was supposed to be talking about how bored I am at work.

OH, by the way, my little questionnaire thingy is going great. I have about 40 responses so far and I’m really accumulating some great data. I think you’ll find it pretty interesting. I’m going to wait until next week to tally up everything and publish the results and my conclusion.

Submit your answers if you haven’t done so already.

I have to go now… later!

I really don’t understand why some women post pictures of their kids on their myspace profiles along with pictures of their tits hanging out or their asses sticking up in the air wearing just a thong. Take Blondebabydoll for example. She took a lot of time filling out her profile. She wrote about finding a guy who would respect her and care for her and her little girl. Then, you click on her photos, and BAM!!! Boobs, ass, panties, bras, and cooch are flying everywhere! Oh, and if you scroll down a little more, you can see a photo of her daughter. (UPDATE: Blondebabydoll has since remarried and removed the photos of her ass and vagina. I guess the photos worked!)

Does anyone else see anything not quite right here? I’d be interested in finding out if anyone thinks this is no big deal.

I look at it this way: I don’t think I would post a picture of my ding dong next to a picture of my child. I don’t have children yet so I am just speculating, but I’m pretty sure I still wouldn’t do that. It just seems wrong somehow.Would it be ok if I posted a picture of my ding dong next to a picture of someone else’s child? For some reason that seems even worse.

Well, hey… whatever.

In related news, I read that a 40 yr old woman was arrested for hosting high school sex parties for her daughter and her friends. She provided the booze, the drugs and even participated in the action. She told police she just wanted to be a “cool Mom.” I have to say, if it weren’t so creepy, disgusting, and wrong, she could possibly be the coolest mom in the world!

The mom got caught because some kid that she serviced went and told his parents. He actually told police he thought she was a cool mom until he found out she was a pedophile! I wonder if he found out she was a pedophile before or after she banged him? Either way, I’m sure that kid is getting beat up for ruining it for the rest of kids.

Believe it or not, I actually participated in sex parties when I was in High School. Unfortunately, these parties were held in my bathroom, and I was only guest that would show up. I went to a lot of parties.

ANYWAY… I’m hitting the garage sale circuit this weekend. Gonna go look at a few couches. The Fabulous Amy D. told me about craigslist.org to find pretty much ANYTHING you can imagine for sale. I’m sure you all knew about it already, so no need to be as excited as I am. Thanks Amy! By the way… if you happen to be a gay dude, that craigslist is a pretty good way to hook up for some hot stranger ding dong in various restrooms around the Valley.

I think that’s all I have for tonight. Until the mind starts spinning again… have a good one!