Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

Every so often you come across a product that exceeds all your expectations and makes you want to tell everyone how awesome it is. To qualify for such a prestigious honor, the product must be perfect (for you) in both form and function. It must meet every single advertised claim plus add some unforeseen value to either your life or the lives of others. The item cannot be something you received as a gift even if you specifically asked for it, because part of the ownership experience is the sense of pride you feel to have had the wherewithal, savvy, and foresight to have purchased the item in the first place. I might even go as far as to say you should also have paid full retail price for it, because buying it on sale reduces the risk of disappointment should it turn out to be less than you hoped it would be. You need to be 100% committed to this product from the get-go in order to feel the full force of the joy it gives back.

This is such a rare occurrence, I can’t think of any other product I currently own that lives up to such high accolades. In fact, the last time I felt like this was when they came out with extra small condoms!

So what is it that has me all a hootin’ and a hollerin’? It’s my new, super-fantastic Vibram Five Fingers barefoot shoes!!! Click here to see them in all their footy glory.

Wait! Don’t go anywhere! Lemme splain! These shoes are, hands down, the best things I ever put on my feet! But enough hype… let’s get down to the meat and potatoes! Or should I say feet and my-ten-toes?!?! HA! I crack myself up.

I discovered Vibram Five Fingers while searching the Internet for shoes to wear when I do my yoga videos. I’d find myself sliding all over the carpet if I tried to do it barefoot. I’d get better traction with my running shoes, but they just felt too bulky for this type of low impact exercise. So, I did an image search for “yoga shoes” and there they were. Like many of you, I said, “What the poo are those things?!?!”

A few clicks later, I ended up at the Vibram Five Fingers website where I learned about the potential benefits of barefoot living. They claim that being barefoot stimulates the muscles in your feet and lower legs, and will not only make you stronger and healthier, but also improve your balance, agility and proprioception. (I have no clue what that last word means, and I’m not even going to bother looking it up.) They also suggest that being barefoot helps align the spine and improve posture. I have lower back pain, and If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I have at least one distant relative who used to live in a bell tower so they had my attention.

Vibram makes a few different Five Finger styles for all types of activities from Yoga to running to hiking. Aside from a very thin rubber sole to protect your feets from abrasions and road debris, they are as close as you can get to being barefoot. There’s no arch support, no cushioning, and no stabilizing ankle support. All the features you would expect to find in any athletic shoe are nowhere to be found. So how then can they possibly be comfy? How can you run long distances in them? And how do you not cut your feet on pointy or sharp things? I don’t know how, but they are, you can, and if you don’t walk on glass or nails, you don’t.

I didn’t purchase a pair right away. In my mind, I was still skeptical and saw them as more of a novelty than a viable option. At best, they’d be limited to yoga duty and would never see the light of day. With a price point between $80 and $100 bucks, I wasn’t in any hurry to snag a pair either. After a few more frustrating yoga sessions, however, I found myself back on the Internet trying to justify the purchase.

I read some independent reviews and almost all of them mentioned reduced joint and knee pain when running. This was a huge selling point since I have one bad knee, and one worse knee. It was also the additional motivation I needed to go try on a pair.

I headed over to my local REI and tried on the three models they had in stock starting with the cheapest. The first two, the Classic and the Sprint, did not really impress. The Classic, which has no straps, felt like they would fall off during any type of exercise, and the strap on the Sprint cut into my foot. Other than the uncomfortable strap, however, I really liked how the shoe felt. Then, I tried on the KSO’s and it was like my feet finally found their sole-mates. I wore them out of the store that day and haven’t taken them off since (other than to go to sleep and to wash them). Yes you have to wash them, because you don’t wear socks with them, and they can start to smell after a week or two of heavy exercise and all-day wear.

After a little over three weeks of use, I have greatly improved my yoga skills, and I can honestly say that my knees and back feel noticeably better during high impact exercise. I’m not going to pretend these shoes have healed me (praise Jesus), but when you live in pain all the time, any improvement is huge. I really believe they’re helping me build up the supporting muscles that surround my problem areas and alleviate the pressure in those places. But who knows… that can be complete bullshit and just the incremental improvements from my exercise program. All I know is physically, I feel better than I have in a really long time, and my new podiatric pals seem to be part of the reason.

I already bought a second pair.

Feel free to share your personal experience with a super spectacular life changing product.

I’ve never been an avid supporter of manscaping. Every now and then I’ll take the clippers to the ole sackaroo, but for the most part, I like to kick it old school. To me, there’s something kinda unmanly about it. If it were up to me, I would do away with this whole male primping and shaving and waxing and spiking and frosting and styling that seems to have taken hold of our country. I have a feeling, however, that unlike bell bottoms, hairy dudes aren’t going to be making a come back any time soon.

Anyway, have you ever seen those before and after photos of men who started exercise programs? Day 1 is always sad, pale, fat, hairy guy. Day 90 is happy, tan, shaved body guy. Always. No exceptions. Why do the guys always end up shaving their bodies?

Well I’m going to tell you exactly how that happens.

Since October of last year, I’ve been exercising and eating healthy. So far I dropped nearly 50lbs and put on a little bit of muscle. Thank you, thank you! I know… I’m awesome. Needless to say, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time in front of the mirror flexing, touching, prodding, pressing, and measuring (yeah even that too); and this weekend, I started wondering what I really looked like under all this body hair. So I charged up the trusty Norelco Bodygroom and went to town on my chest, belly, arms and nether regions. I was going to do my back as well, but by the time I was done with the front, I was too horrified to continue.

First of all, my body hasn’t seen the sun in literally 7 or 8 years. Maybe longer. My bare chest and belly are beyond pale. If I were to try to somehow get some color in my skin, I would have to do it in some secluded place where I couldn’t blind other people. I would be open to a tanning booth if it didn’t give you nut cancer and I wasn’t so vocal about how douchey it is for dudes to go tanning. I need an excuse to do some shirtless work in someone’s back yard while they’re away on vacation. That’s the only scenario where I could see myself getting a tan.

The second thing I realized when I was done grooming was the fact that my hair covered a network of ugly stretch marks across my midsection. I’m also convinced that the hair also acted as some sort of stabilizer or gave my belly more structure than it apparently has now. All of a sudden, I went from hairy guy with a little gut to someone who looks like they spent 10 weeks on the Biggest Loser Ranch with all the loose skin and a deformed belly button. When I bend at the waist, my stomach looks like one of those ceiling monsters from Half Life. Scary.

Shaving my arms was also the dumbest thing to do. It really seemed like a good idea because the hair on my wrists was covering my watch and it was hard to see what time it was. But after a day, I had 5 o’ clock shadow on my forearms and now it’s itchier than… than… I don’t know… something really itchy.

This wasn’t the first time I ever attempted a major manscaping project, but it was the first time I was surprised by what I uncovered. It was similar to the first time I got my hair cut short after my hair line started receding. I just looked in the mirror and thought, “Holy crap! You’re really not 18 anymore.”

Like so many times before, my latest attempt at getting into shape has fallen short. My trainer was supposed to call me to set up my next appointment, but I haven’t heard from him in about two weeks. Of course I haven’t been sticking to my diet either, so now, even my underwear are staring to get tight. Sure, I could have gone to the gym by myself without scheduling an appointment, but what the F am I paying the trainer for? Motivation and support, no?

Well it turns out my trainer doesn’t work at the gym anymore. No, I haven’t lost my mind. This is not the same blog I posted last month. This is another trainer! The new guy they put me with quit and they didn’t bother to tell me for 2 weeks! I’m going in on Monday to get my money back.

The good news is I got a new car this week. I couldn’t wait around anymore for MTV to come and pimp my ride, so I traded in my lovely 1990 Ford Probe and stepped up to a 2005 Ford Focus. It was really a toss up between the Focus and the Bentley, but the Bentley only comes in leather, and I didn’t want leather in the hot AZ sun. You know how it is. Anyway, I’m pretty happy with the new ride. It’s nice to be able to drive over 50 mph without feeling like my car is going into an epileptic seizure.

I don’t know if any of you know, but I worked for Earnhardt Ford for like 7 years, so if anyone needs a car, let me know. I can hook you up with someone who will take very good care of you and won’t rip you off.

So I put on about 5lbs while I was in California, but what do you expect when the boss is footing the bill at 5 star restaurants every night? The food was so good, I think it actually gave me a boner! Luckily our last meal there was at IHOP, so I didn’t have to worry about passing through security with an erection.

Before I left for California, I called my gym and complained about my personal trainer guy, Antonio. Aside from being completely incompetent, he almost killed me the last time I worked out with him. He decided to strike up a conversation with some dude at precisely the exact moment when I couldn’t hold onto the weight anymore. My arms gave out and the bar came crashing down on my chest. That felt pretty good . Then, a few moments later, he spaced out while I was doing cable crossovers, and the cable recoiled backwards and almost ripped my shoulder out of its socket.

Well, I got a call yesterday from the gym and apparently, they fired Antonio. They said it wasn’t my fault, but I’m not buying it. Now I’m all scared that Antonio may be pissed off and come after me. If I go missing anytime soon, look for a black dude named Antonio. There can’t be too many of them.

So now I have a new trainer, and even though he looks like he’s 13 years old, he seems ok. A bit chatty, though. They also credited me for the sessions I had with Antonio. Score one for me! Yay! But they tricked me into buying multi-vitamins and supplements. Boo! But I gave them the finger while I was paying. Boo again… they took my money.

How many products have you ever bought off the TV? I’m ashamed to say I’ve purchased Tony Robbins’ Tapes, The Ab Cruncher Thingy, The Ab Electrocute Yourself Thingy, DD7, Tae-Bo, NADS, Epilstop, and a George Foreman Grill. I almost broke down and bought the Magic Bullet Blender and the Miracle Blade knife set, but I slapped myself in the face a few times and talked myself out of it. Out of all of those things, the Foreman Grill is still sitting on my counter like a true champion. I love that thing. In fact, I made some chicken on it tonight!

That reminds me, I’ve been pretty good on my diet and exercise plan . Before I waste away, I think I should post a before picture:

Ok, that’s not really me. Actually it’s a good friend of mine who almost got killed in an ATV accident in Rocky Point last year. By the way, he’s in his 40′s, extremely sweet, very spiritual, mellow, and single. If anyone knows any ladies who like a dark chunky brother with an amazing singing voice, let me know. If anyone deserves a good woman, he does.

(UPDATE: Mr Hooks, pictured above, has since found a mate and is now happily married.)

Just in case anyone was wondering, I completely made up the results of my survey. The truth is, only one person responded to it (the woman who said she would make love to a mountain lion.) Thinking back on it now, it sure seems like a lot of work just to make up all that stuff. I still think it made for some entertaining reading.

Right now, however, I’m having a little writer’s block. I thought of a bunch of things I wanted to write about today, but I completely forgot most of them. Oh well, maybe I’ll post again later.

Welcome to my third consecutive Friday blog. It’s nice to see you again.

A lot has been going on this week. First of all, I’m thinking of getting another cat. It’s possibly one more step towards owning Barbara Streisand CD’s and using moisturizer, but whatever. My current kitty needs a playmate because she’s totally out of control. She has to be touching me all the time. I don’t even get a break when I’m on the toilet, because she likes to curl up in my underwear when they’re around my ankles, like a hammock. When I try to shoo her away or ignore her, she starts knocking over garbage cans, and anything not bolted down will end up on the floor.

So I stopped by PetCo today and met someone that volunteers at the kitty shelter. I’m probably going to pick one up after I come back from my business trip. I like saying that, it sounds so professional. “My business trip.” Anyway, I’ll be in CA for a week at the end of this month organizing a Real Estate Investment Seminar. Should be fun.

For those of you who have been keeping up with all of my blogs, my married woman has been fired due to lack of production and poor work ethic. Maybe I forgot to mention she works with me. I wonder if I should invite her over to “console” her. It’s probably best to just let her fade away. I found out her husband works for the military doing some sort of secret stuff in some secret place. The last thing I need is to have him sneak into my house, ninja style, and Ginsu my wiener or something.

(UPDATE: Turns out her husband was in jail.)

Good news! I got my “new” couch yesterday. Thanks again to the “Fabulous Amy Donohue” for turning me on to craigslist. This thing is 10 times better than eBay in my opinion. On ebay, people list their items for  more than what you can buy it for online, then try to rip you off on the shipping fees. On craigslist, it’s like these people are all getting evicted and need money so bad, they just give crap away. “NEED WEED… MUST SELL DINETTE SET ASAP!”

The sorta bad news is I kinda put a tear in the new couch trying to get it into my apartment by myself. Stupid neighbors all stood around and watched me struggle, and didn’t even offer to help. Oh well… poop happens. The exciting news is I think I’m in love with the girl who bought my “old” couch. She’s quite the peach, the bee’s knees, and the cat’s meow all in one. Kinda like a cat, bee, peach burrito. Anyway if things go my way, I still may be able to get some use out of my old couch (if you know what I mean… wink wink nudge nudge).

Finally, here’s the update on my “Quest for Health”. I’m starting to lose confidence in my trainer guy. Although I’m sore (which is supposedly a sign of progress), my trainer doesn’t know how to spell bicycle or bicep. And that worries me. I’m embarrassed to even write how he spelled them: Bicecycle and bicept. I don’t think I’d care if he couldn’t spell microprocessor or something, but he’s a personal trainer. Bicycle and bicep?!?! C’mon!!

He also took my measurements and fat callipered me and told me my body mass consists of 75 percent fat. I know I’m a little chubby but I don’t think that’s even humanly possible unless of course I was half Pima Indian and half Tub of Crisco. When I questioned him about it, just said, “Dat’s what da computa say.” Well the computer also say that I should have 12 tablespoons of cream cheese and 5 cups of alfalfa sprouts as one of my meals. Of course he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either since “da computa say it”. I couldn’t let that one slide by so I protested and forced him to change my diet plan to cottage cheese and a different vegetable with a bit more mass. Otherwise, I’d have to buy 70 packages of sprouts per week in order to meet my 35 cup requirement.

Anyway, other than the fact that my muscle-bound friend may be slightly illiterate, and could lack a little common sense, I think things are going ok. It’s hard to tell, because I’m not really losing any weight. They tell you that bullshit about how muscle weighs more than fat, but I think that’s a scam to keep you paying those gym dues. Meanwhile, there’s thousands of chunky butts out there using that line to explain to their friends why they haven’t lost any weight after a month at the gym. And you can bet your ass I’m going to be one of those people.

That’s all for me. Have a great weekend!

I thought I’d share with everyone that I had a fantastic day! I think the only thing missing that could have possibly made my day any better was some sex.

First, I got to sleep in. The boss started work at noon because of the little party we had last night. It was exactly as I thought it would be, but with free food and free booze how much can you really complain?

Then, I got paid for 3 deals that closed this week, and I got another 4 new deals to start. Gotta always keep the bucket filled! I also got an extra thousand buckaroonies from the boss just for doing a good job! How often does that happen? If you answered a lot, then consider yourself lucky.

After work, I had my first session with my personal trainer, Antonio, and he kicked the living snot out of me. It was for a good cause so I include it in the list of good things.

And last but not least, the best part of my day: I talked to my Dad on the phone! My Dad lives back in NY and ever since I moved here to Arizona, I’ve done the worst job of staying in touch. I don’t know if anyone can relate, but do you ever not call someone because you feel guilty for not calling? I do that all the time! I’ll not call for a week. Then I tell myself I really need to call, but I don’t, and month goes by. Then I make myself promise to call the very next day, but I’ll forget. Next thing I know, I’m missing holidays and birthdays, and I figure surely everyone must hate  me, so I become completely terrified to call!

Honestly, I don’t know why I do that. I can’t even count how many people have been phased out of my life just because I stopped calling. Good people too. All I can say is thank god my dad doesn’t hold a grudge because we have a nice clean slate again.

So, all in all it’s been a great day. I hope you all can say the same.

You can see a few pictures of me and my dad after the break.

I have 8 Myspace friends now.  All women.  Hmmm… I seem to be quite the ladies man.  I hope no one expects to actually communicate with me since I’m quite the antisocial ladies man.

Complaint of the Day:  Glamour Shots

“Ok now tilt your head… a little more… more… great, that looks uncomfortable enough.  Now smile like you’re eating poop.  Great! Now move the feather boa away from your cheek just a little bit… PERFECT!”

*click*

Would someone please explain to me why anyone would ever want a glamour shot?!?!  I’ve always considered the glamour to be the NASCAR of photography; only appreciated by Jesus loving Mullet Amurricans who live in homes with wheels.  Those of you who have mullets or wheelie homes, please save your whining… this is my blog, so deal with it.  And before you start busting my hump, the picture on my website is NOT a glamour shot, it’s a head shot (not to be confused with a facial).  Bottom line… glamour shots are bad mmmkay.

OK, moving on…  Now I need a little advice.  If you ask a woman if she’s married and she says “sorta”, does that make her available?  I’m sure anyone in their right mind would probably see trouble written all over this situation and advise me to keep my 10 foot pole far far away, but I really don’t want to hear from those people.  I want to hear from the people who think it’s perfectly acceptable to get involved with a married woman.  Besides, don’t all long-lasting relationships always start out by breaking up a marriage?  Feel free to comment with your advice.

Last order of business… I’m getting fat.  Ok, that’s not true.  I’m already fat.  My clothes are tighter, my face is rounder, and my man boobs are fuller.  Wait, maybe I’m pregnant!  Right now I’m just under the weight limit for the semi affordable treadmills I’m considering buying.  Once I hit 250lbs, I think the conveyor belt won’t even spin when I stand on it.

I don’t know when it happened but at some point in my life, the term “going out to play” turned into the word “exercise”.  It’s been a battle of the belly ever since.  All I know is I need to get busy soon if I expect to score with this married chick.

I’m thinking of starting some sort of fitnessy, journaly, updatey, thingy with my bloggy thingy.  I’m not really sure how publicizing my progress is supposed to motivate me.  Maybe I can do it to motivate others.  I bet there are a few chunky butts who read this blog who could be inspired by my hard work and dedication.

Hey look at me!  I’m blogging!  I don’t even know what a blog is, nor how it differs from a message board really, but I guess that doesn’t matter.

The first thing I should do is give you all a pre-blog update. Uh… I was born in Brooklyn, NY in 1974, I did some stuff, went to some places, met some people, logged on to myspace.com, and created this blog. That brings us up to now.

It’s about 10 to 3 in the AM, but the time stamp already let you know that. Tonight, I came home from work, got into my workout clothes, and then took a nap. I don’t know how many calories that burned, but I’m sure it was a lot fewer than I had intended. So, at 11PM I awoke bright eyed and bushy assed; continuing the vicious cycle of being tired all day and up all night. When will I learn? Oh well, it was nothing a few hours of Food Network, TLC, and HGTV couldn’t cure. I can’t seem to get enough Iron Chef, although tonight it was the Battle of the Yams, which turned out to be extremely boring.

After TV time, I did a portion of a jigsaw puzzle. It’s a completely tacky picture of the Coliseum in Rome, and it’s one of a collection of 10 puzzles that came in the box. Each puzzle ranges from 500-1000 pieces, and every one of them is some sort of gaudy Italian landmark… except for one puzzle of two female lions (or lionesses I guesses). I don’t know where they fit into the whole Italian theme. If you’re a bad speller, maybe you can spell “Italion” with the word “lion” in it, but that’s as close as I can come to a connection.

Well there you have it… my first blog entry. Not bad… informative and slightly witty without being over the top. I’m pretty proud of it. Until the next time… goodnight…