Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

How many products have you ever bought off the TV? I’m ashamed to say I’ve purchased Tony Robbins’ Tapes, The Ab Cruncher Thingy, The Ab Electrocute Yourself Thingy, DD7, Tae-Bo, NADS, Epilstop, and a George Foreman Grill. I almost broke down and bought the Magic Bullet Blender and the Miracle Blade knife set, but I slapped myself in the face a few times and talked myself out of it. Out of all of those things, the Foreman Grill is still sitting on my counter like a true champion. I love that thing. In fact, I made some chicken on it tonight!

That reminds me, I’ve been pretty good on my diet and exercise plan . Before I waste away, I think I should post a before picture:

Ok, that’s not really me. Actually it’s a good friend of mine who almost got killed in an ATV accident in Rocky Point last year. By the way, he’s in his 40′s, extremely sweet, very spiritual, mellow, and single. If anyone knows any ladies who like a dark chunky brother with an amazing singing voice, let me know. If anyone deserves a good woman, he does.

(UPDATE: Mr Hooks, pictured above, has since found a mate and is now happily married.)

Just in case anyone was wondering, I completely made up the results of my survey. The truth is, only one person responded to it (the woman who said she would make love to a mountain lion.) Thinking back on it now, it sure seems like a lot of work just to make up all that stuff. I still think it made for some entertaining reading.

Right now, however, I’m having a little writer’s block. I thought of a bunch of things I wanted to write about today, but I completely forgot most of them. Oh well, maybe I’ll post again later.

Today, I had one of those days today where everything didn’t go completely wrong, but nothing went smoothly.  Here are a few highlights:

First, my boss instructed me to strong arm a client who hadn’t paid his earnest money.  When I called the client, he insisted he gave us a check.  My boss claimed we never received, so she conference called him and berated the client (and his mother, by the way) and told him there wasn’t a chance in a monkey’s ass she could be mistaken.   A few hours later, I ended up finding the check on my boss’ desk under a stack of papers.

Now, I’m sure there are other ways to feel like a complete retard, but being wrong after arrogantly insisting you’re right ranks right up near the top.  Feel free to comment and share one of your most retarded moments.

On my lunch hour today, I stopped off at the bank to deposit a check, then hopped over to Quiznos for a sandwich.  When I placed my order, I was extra pushy about how I wanted them to make my sandwich.  Normally, I’m not one to be a pain in the ass patron.  I usually just bottle up my complaints because I always think, “What’s the use?  What can I possibly get out of complaining?”  But last time I went to Quiznos, they didn’t wrap my sandwich up tight and I ended up with a ball of bread and warm meat at the bottom of a paper bag.  Today was my day to take a stand and speak up!

Unfortunately I chose the wrong day to stand on my soap box, because when it was time to pay for my lunch, I realized I forgot my wallet.  I started retracing my steps trying to remember where I left it:  “Let’s see… I know I had my wallet earlier today.  I remember fiddling around with the magnet money clip while my hands were in my pockets.  I’m pretty sure I had it when I went to the bank… THE BANK!!! I left it at the bank!!!”

So, I told the cashier to hold my sandwich while I drive back to the bank to get the wallet which I surely left on the counter when I was endorsing my check.  Long story short… no wallet at the bank, no wallet at the office, and no lunch.

So guess what I found on the kitchen counter when I got home from work today?  My wallet!  So much for my memory and retracing my steps.  Needless to say I was starving when I got home, and needed to eat.  I ran straight across the street to Sonic and ordered way too much food, because not eating all day will do that to you.  The rollerblade kid came out with my food, and when I tried to pay for it, he told me my debit card was declined.  I tried explaining that there was no way that could be possible because there’s plenty of money in my account, but clearly the kid’s expression screamed, “Bullshit!”

Dinner tonight was pasta with no sauce and a piece of rubbery chicken cooked on the Foreman Grill.

I’m glad this day is over.