Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

So I put on about 5lbs while I was in California, but what do you expect when the boss is footing the bill at 5 star restaurants every night? The food was so good, I think it actually gave me a boner! Luckily our last meal there was at IHOP, so I didn’t have to worry about passing through security with an erection.

Before I left for California, I called my gym and complained about my personal trainer guy, Antonio. Aside from being completely incompetent, he almost killed me the last time I worked out with him. He decided to strike up a conversation with some dude at precisely the exact moment when I couldn’t hold onto the weight anymore. My arms gave out and the bar came crashing down on my chest. That felt pretty good . Then, a few moments later, he spaced out while I was doing cable crossovers, and the cable recoiled backwards and almost ripped my shoulder out of its socket.

Well, I got a call yesterday from the gym and apparently, they fired Antonio. They said it wasn’t my fault, but I’m not buying it. Now I’m all scared that Antonio may be pissed off and come after me. If I go missing anytime soon, look for a black dude named Antonio. There can’t be too many of them.

So now I have a new trainer, and even though he looks like he’s 13 years old, he seems ok. A bit chatty, though. They also credited me for the sessions I had with Antonio. Score one for me! Yay! But they tricked me into buying multi-vitamins and supplements. Boo! But I gave them the finger while I was paying. Boo again… they took my money.

I got the whole thing straightened out with the camera. I can start bragging now:

$284 for a brand new Sony DSC-P200! Out the door! Tax, title, and license! Beat THAT suckers!!!

(If you really do beat it, I don’t want to know. )

So after I went to the bank to clear up the camera mess, I stopped by my local gym and got a membership. I even signed up for a trainer (talk about sucker.) The good news is everyone there seemed pretty nice, although people always seem to be nice when you’re giving them your money. My trainer is this short, kinda wiry, very muscular black dude named Antonio. He seems to have a rather guarded, stoic, and even mean disposition, and doesn’t talk very much. When I told him I’d like to concentrate on losing fat, and getting toned he said, “Yeah you needs to get rid of dem man titties!”

HE’S PERFECT!!!

Antonio and I seem to have nothing in common so I don’t have to worry about feeling obligated to have idle chit chat about sports n’ shit while I’m working out PLUS he seems to be just as disgusted with my body as I am so I can probably count on him to work me hard. I start my training on Wednesday, and to celebrate I went out and bought some sausage and peppers for dinner and a banana cream pie and ice cream for dessert. Yummy!

For those of you who are less interested in my quest to get fit, don’t worry I won’t turn my blog into a complete “Look at me, I’m losing weight, I’m so great!” sort of thing. God knows there aren’t a lot of things more annoying than a chubby person going on and on about what they eat, and how they exercise. Chances are I’m going to give up, so it’ll just be less embarrassing if I don’t spend the next few months preaching the fitness gospel to you.

So silently, to yourselves, wish me luck and I’ll hit you with an update soon.

P.S. If any of you live in Mesa and you want to join a gym, go see Katherine at Fitness Works on McKellips. I get no kickback, she just took really good care of me today and I always appreciate good service.