Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

Like so many times before, my latest attempt at getting into shape has fallen short. My trainer was supposed to call me to set up my next appointment, but I haven’t heard from him in about two weeks. Of course I haven’t been sticking to my diet either, so now, even my underwear are staring to get tight. Sure, I could have gone to the gym by myself without scheduling an appointment, but what the F am I paying the trainer for? Motivation and support, no?

Well it turns out my trainer doesn’t work at the gym anymore. No, I haven’t lost my mind. This is not the same blog I posted last month. This is another trainer! The new guy they put me with quit and they didn’t bother to tell me for 2 weeks! I’m going in on Monday to get my money back.

The good news is I got a new car this week. I couldn’t wait around anymore for MTV to come and pimp my ride, so I traded in my lovely 1990 Ford Probe and stepped up to a 2005 Ford Focus. It was really a toss up between the Focus and the Bentley, but the Bentley only comes in leather, and I didn’t want leather in the hot AZ sun. You know how it is. Anyway, I’m pretty happy with the new ride. It’s nice to be able to drive over 50 mph without feeling like my car is going into an epileptic seizure.

I don’t know if any of you know, but I worked for Earnhardt Ford for like 7 years, so if anyone needs a car, let me know. I can hook you up with someone who will take very good care of you and won’t rip you off.

So I put on about 5lbs while I was in California, but what do you expect when the boss is footing the bill at 5 star restaurants every night? The food was so good, I think it actually gave me a boner! Luckily our last meal there was at IHOP, so I didn’t have to worry about passing through security with an erection.

Before I left for California, I called my gym and complained about my personal trainer guy, Antonio. Aside from being completely incompetent, he almost killed me the last time I worked out with him. He decided to strike up a conversation with some dude at precisely the exact moment when I couldn’t hold onto the weight anymore. My arms gave out and the bar came crashing down on my chest. That felt pretty good . Then, a few moments later, he spaced out while I was doing cable crossovers, and the cable recoiled backwards and almost ripped my shoulder out of its socket.

Well, I got a call yesterday from the gym and apparently, they fired Antonio. They said it wasn’t my fault, but I’m not buying it. Now I’m all scared that Antonio may be pissed off and come after me. If I go missing anytime soon, look for a black dude named Antonio. There can’t be too many of them.

So now I have a new trainer, and even though he looks like he’s 13 years old, he seems ok. A bit chatty, though. They also credited me for the sessions I had with Antonio. Score one for me! Yay! But they tricked me into buying multi-vitamins and supplements. Boo! But I gave them the finger while I was paying. Boo again… they took my money.

Welcome to my third consecutive Friday blog. It’s nice to see you again.

A lot has been going on this week. First of all, I’m thinking of getting another cat. It’s possibly one more step towards owning Barbara Streisand CD’s and using moisturizer, but whatever. My current kitty needs a playmate because she’s totally out of control. She has to be touching me all the time. I don’t even get a break when I’m on the toilet, because she likes to curl up in my underwear when they’re around my ankles, like a hammock. When I try to shoo her away or ignore her, she starts knocking over garbage cans, and anything not bolted down will end up on the floor.

So I stopped by PetCo today and met someone that volunteers at the kitty shelter. I’m probably going to pick one up after I come back from my business trip. I like saying that, it sounds so professional. “My business trip.” Anyway, I’ll be in CA for a week at the end of this month organizing a Real Estate Investment Seminar. Should be fun.

For those of you who have been keeping up with all of my blogs, my married woman has been fired due to lack of production and poor work ethic. Maybe I forgot to mention she works with me. I wonder if I should invite her over to “console” her. It’s probably best to just let her fade away. I found out her husband works for the military doing some sort of secret stuff in some secret place. The last thing I need is to have him sneak into my house, ninja style, and Ginsu my wiener or something.

(UPDATE: Turns out her husband was in jail.)

Good news! I got my “new” couch yesterday. Thanks again to the “Fabulous Amy Donohue” for turning me on to craigslist. This thing is 10 times better than eBay in my opinion. On ebay, people list their items for  more than what you can buy it for online, then try to rip you off on the shipping fees. On craigslist, it’s like these people are all getting evicted and need money so bad, they just give crap away. “NEED WEED… MUST SELL DINETTE SET ASAP!”

The sorta bad news is I kinda put a tear in the new couch trying to get it into my apartment by myself. Stupid neighbors all stood around and watched me struggle, and didn’t even offer to help. Oh well… poop happens. The exciting news is I think I’m in love with the girl who bought my “old” couch. She’s quite the peach, the bee’s knees, and the cat’s meow all in one. Kinda like a cat, bee, peach burrito. Anyway if things go my way, I still may be able to get some use out of my old couch (if you know what I mean… wink wink nudge nudge).

Finally, here’s the update on my “Quest for Health”. I’m starting to lose confidence in my trainer guy. Although I’m sore (which is supposedly a sign of progress), my trainer doesn’t know how to spell bicycle or bicep. And that worries me. I’m embarrassed to even write how he spelled them: Bicecycle and bicept. I don’t think I’d care if he couldn’t spell microprocessor or something, but he’s a personal trainer. Bicycle and bicep?!?! C’mon!!

He also took my measurements and fat callipered me and told me my body mass consists of 75 percent fat. I know I’m a little chubby but I don’t think that’s even humanly possible unless of course I was half Pima Indian and half Tub of Crisco. When I questioned him about it, just said, “Dat’s what da computa say.” Well the computer also say that I should have 12 tablespoons of cream cheese and 5 cups of alfalfa sprouts as one of my meals. Of course he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either since “da computa say it”. I couldn’t let that one slide by so I protested and forced him to change my diet plan to cottage cheese and a different vegetable with a bit more mass. Otherwise, I’d have to buy 70 packages of sprouts per week in order to meet my 35 cup requirement.

Anyway, other than the fact that my muscle-bound friend may be slightly illiterate, and could lack a little common sense, I think things are going ok. It’s hard to tell, because I’m not really losing any weight. They tell you that bullshit about how muscle weighs more than fat, but I think that’s a scam to keep you paying those gym dues. Meanwhile, there’s thousands of chunky butts out there using that line to explain to their friends why they haven’t lost any weight after a month at the gym. And you can bet your ass I’m going to be one of those people.

That’s all for me. Have a great weekend!

I thought I’d share with everyone that I had a fantastic day! I think the only thing missing that could have possibly made my day any better was some sex.

First, I got to sleep in. The boss started work at noon because of the little party we had last night. It was exactly as I thought it would be, but with free food and free booze how much can you really complain?

Then, I got paid for 3 deals that closed this week, and I got another 4 new deals to start. Gotta always keep the bucket filled! I also got an extra thousand buckaroonies from the boss just for doing a good job! How often does that happen? If you answered a lot, then consider yourself lucky.

After work, I had my first session with my personal trainer, Antonio, and he kicked the living snot out of me. It was for a good cause so I include it in the list of good things.

And last but not least, the best part of my day: I talked to my Dad on the phone! My Dad lives back in NY and ever since I moved here to Arizona, I’ve done the worst job of staying in touch. I don’t know if anyone can relate, but do you ever not call someone because you feel guilty for not calling? I do that all the time! I’ll not call for a week. Then I tell myself I really need to call, but I don’t, and month goes by. Then I make myself promise to call the very next day, but I’ll forget. Next thing I know, I’m missing holidays and birthdays, and I figure surely everyone must hate  me, so I become completely terrified to call!

Honestly, I don’t know why I do that. I can’t even count how many people have been phased out of my life just because I stopped calling. Good people too. All I can say is thank god my dad doesn’t hold a grudge because we have a nice clean slate again.

So, all in all it’s been a great day. I hope you all can say the same.

You can see a few pictures of me and my dad after the break.

I got the whole thing straightened out with the camera. I can start bragging now:

$284 for a brand new Sony DSC-P200! Out the door! Tax, title, and license! Beat THAT suckers!!!

(If you really do beat it, I don’t want to know. )

So after I went to the bank to clear up the camera mess, I stopped by my local gym and got a membership. I even signed up for a trainer (talk about sucker.) The good news is everyone there seemed pretty nice, although people always seem to be nice when you’re giving them your money. My trainer is this short, kinda wiry, very muscular black dude named Antonio. He seems to have a rather guarded, stoic, and even mean disposition, and doesn’t talk very much. When I told him I’d like to concentrate on losing fat, and getting toned he said, “Yeah you needs to get rid of dem man titties!”

HE’S PERFECT!!!

Antonio and I seem to have nothing in common so I don’t have to worry about feeling obligated to have idle chit chat about sports n’ shit while I’m working out PLUS he seems to be just as disgusted with my body as I am so I can probably count on him to work me hard. I start my training on Wednesday, and to celebrate I went out and bought some sausage and peppers for dinner and a banana cream pie and ice cream for dessert. Yummy!

For those of you who are less interested in my quest to get fit, don’t worry I won’t turn my blog into a complete “Look at me, I’m losing weight, I’m so great!” sort of thing. God knows there aren’t a lot of things more annoying than a chubby person going on and on about what they eat, and how they exercise. Chances are I’m going to give up, so it’ll just be less embarrassing if I don’t spend the next few months preaching the fitness gospel to you.

So silently, to yourselves, wish me luck and I’ll hit you with an update soon.

P.S. If any of you live in Mesa and you want to join a gym, go see Katherine at Fitness Works on McKellips. I get no kickback, she just took really good care of me today and I always appreciate good service.