Now I’m sure there are people who work in places where it’s fun to hang out with your co-workers. I’m not one of those people. Tomorrow night will be a night of pure torture; having to listen to countless stories about Real Estate. If you never worked in sales before, imagine listening to this over and over and over and over:

“Then the customer says to me [INSERT DUMB REMARK HERE]. So I told him [INSERT WITTY RETORT HERE].”

There you have it. Every sales story ever told.

Anyway, I hope you all have better plans than I do.

The pigeons were at it again this morning. I didn’t bother interrupting them this time, and in return, I was treated to some of the hottest pigeon sex I’ve ever seen. I’m wondering if anyone else shares my new found obsession with pigeon porn. Hold on… let’s Google.

Right on!!! I’m not the only one:  http://www.callalillie.com/archives/2004/05/pigeon_voyeur.html

You really have to admire someone who comes up with something new. That’s why I’m totally fascinated by science and technology. Hell, the copy machine still blows my mind. Think about it… you stick a piece of printed paper into a slot, and seconds later, BAM! You have an exact duplicate of your printed paper. Is anyone else amazed? Anyone? No? Well whatever… just sit in front of your flat screen monitors and stay completely unimpressed. See if I care!

All I can say is thank goodness for the people who actually paid attention in school. Can you imagine what this world would be like if after receiving their first wedgie, or getting stuffed into a locker, nerdy kids said “Fuck it! Being smart is way too much of a hassle.”?

I think we should all take a moment and give our respect to those kids.

Ok, the moment is done and so am I. Good night.

It’s 8:40PM now, and I’m sitting here in the same clothes as yesterday, coincidentally sipping on a dirty martini (shaken not stirred)…

I feel like such a big boy living all by myself, although I have to admit it’s kinda lonely. There’s something to be said about having your own space though. I find that I’m like 100x cleaner than I was living with roommates. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I REALLY know no one else is going to clean up my mess. I think I vacuumed the rug 3 times in two years at my last place, but now I do it 2-3 times a week. Same thing goes with cleaning the bathroom. You don’t even want to know what the old bathroom looked like.

I shop a lot more now too. I actually bought furniture from a store! I think I’m addicted to IKEA. Last week I bought a milk frother thingy to make your milk foamy for cappuccino. I don’t have a cappuccino machine, but who cares? Foamy milk is cool!

I definitely buy more groceries now too, because I actually cook for myself! I made the sausage and peppers last night. They came out great. Had the leftovers for lunch today. I made BBQ ribs last week. Thank god for the Food Network.

Since getting my own place, I’ve been doing a lot of “firsts”. For example, for the first time in my life, I hung blinds, put up curtains, put up a wine rack, and installed a magnetic knife holder thingy above the counter. I have to hang everything on the walls because I have only one kitchen drawer and virtually no cabinet space. I can’t wait until winter so I can use my fireplace for the first time. I want to see how fast the fire department responds in my neighborhood.

The grand allure of living alone, of course, is being able to walk around naked. I have to tell you, I never really understood why that is so great, but now I do. Not so much for the naked prancing (although I do my share of prancing), but more for the sheer convenience of it. I don’t have to get dressed before I get dressed to iron my clothes in the morning. Also, if I’m taking a dump, and the phone rings, I can just pull a Peter Cottontail and hop over to the phone. No muss, no fuss! Not only that, I don’t have to sweat up an entire outfit if I want to do one of my Tae-Bo tapes. Tae-Bo in the nude… it’s all the rage!

So all in all, living in the bachelor pad isn’t that bad. The cat seems to like it. Maybe one day one of you lucky ladies will have the honor of spending the night, and can experience all the pleasures of my humble, yet comfy abode. On second thought, maybe it’s best if you just lurk outside my window.

For those of you who are still wondering what a Peter Cottontail is… it’s when you need to leave the bathroom in the middle of a poop, so you ball up a bunch of toilet paper, cram it in your butt, and clench tight to keep it secure (like a tail). Then, you hop like a bunny to your destination and back.

Don’t even try to pretend you’ve never done it.