Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

Just when I started to think I was insignificant, I go away for a few days, and everyone wants to know what happened to me.

No need to worry. I’m alive and well. In fact, I went to Rocky Point on Thursday and got back late in the afternoon yesterday.

What started out as a long anticipated getaway filled with fun and relaxation turned out to be an aggravating series of inconveniences and drama between friends. Here’s the short version:

This year’s Mexico group consisted of about 40 people.  We rented 6 condos on the beach overlooking the ocean. My condo had 6 people in it: me, Rory, Mike, Bracken, Andy, and Andy’s wife (I forgot her name). Out of all the condos, ours ends up being the one that had a horrendous sewage problem.  The entire place smelled like human feces. It was so bad, the very first night, Andy and his wife made the decision to go home first thing in the morning.

My friend Larry, and the rest of the gang convinced them to stay, and Andy agreed to try to stick it out. When morning came, however, Andy had a change of heart and decided to leave anyway.  In order to get his portion of the deposit back, Andy checked all of us out of the condo without discussing it with the rest of the group; leaving me, Rory, Bracken, and Mike stranded with no place to stay.

Between the 4 of us, we didn’t have enough money to get another condo, so Larry offered to let us stay in his. I felt a bit uncomfortable because there were already 3 married couples and two children staying there.  Larry’s wife, however, got pissed off because Larry didn’t clear it with her before he made the offer.  She wanted us to pay an equal portion of the condo fee, but I would have rather gone home than pay to sleep on a couch and use my pajama bottoms as a towel.

That night, the air conditioning went out on the first floor, and guess who was the only person sleeping on the first floor? You got it!  So I slept in a disgusting puddle of sweat and couch juice, and ended up breaking out in giant zits all over my back and scalp. For the rest of the trip, the AC stayed broken, and the weather was so hot and humid, I went through 4 shirts in one night.

Other Mexico highlights:

One entire condo of people from our group got arrested (for what I still don’t know) and they ended up fleeing the country.

Bracken mixed up a batch of his self-titled “Brack Attack” alcoholic beverage, and poisoned his liver with multiple doses, transforming him into a fountain of shrimp flavored vomit (see images below). In between heaves, he begged us all not to let him die, and proclaimed his love for his wife and daughter, and of course, Carlita the Mexican stripper he met that night.

Beach Boy and the Shrimp Shack Shooters strapped on the guitar, keyboard, harmonica, bongos, and maracas, and really put on a great show Saturday night. By far, the best part of the weekend.

Justin Lavender added another notch to his bedpost, managing to close the deal in less than two minutes. A new land speed record.

Somehow, Hooks was able to avoid any near death experiences this time. However, for the second year in a row, he broke a chair and fell on his ass. Oh, and he lost focus while pissing and peed all over his robe. Who the F wears a robe anyway???

I guess that’s it. I think I’m ready for a vacation now.

Click on the thumbnails below to see photos of the trip.
WARNING!!! Photo 150 is of human poo (not mine).

Rocky Point 10-05

I come in paz.	Hooks don’t take no mess.	Hey… she didn’t pay for that water!	Auditioning for a UNICEF commercial.	Hey… that looks familiar!	Would you guys set a date already!	I’ll add this to my Mrs. Johnson collection.
Hi Marcy!	Note to self. Max hates the camera.	Does it get any better?	Brian drinking the Devil’s nectar.	Smiling at the Sun Set Cantina.	Scenery.	I love this picture.
Blurry Max.	Clear Max.	Why is everyone laughing at me?	Nice cock!	Presenting the comedy stylings of The Crazy Guy at the Pool:	Why did the siamese twins go to England?	The other one wanted to learn to drive!
Thank you very much! You’re a great crowd.	Lorry looking buff thanks to the light bending properties of water.	Larry being bouyant.	Hey… is that Poseidon?	I don’t know her well enough to make comments.	Whatever happens in Mexico… ends up on the website.	How can one black man scare a whole city of people living in poverty?
The only ones taking advantage of the dance time.	?Can you believe these colors??	Andy is in the back contemplating his escape.	The most pathetic dog ever.	Doing the running boy.	Is it really safe to jump from here?	Holy crap!
Mrs. Johnson and her quesadilla.	Lincoln still dancing.	Max doing the Carlton.	Um… Lincoln again.	Pop and lock baby!	High five!	High fifteen.
Raising the roof.	A little mommy, son dancing.	Hey guys! What? What’s wrong? Who’s that lady in the back?	Bracken and Richmond look into each other’s eyes.	What’s more fun than Mexican Karaoke? Uh… everything!	Building the relationship one bottle at a time.	Justin getting the two dollar bump.
Big Red.	I’m getting tired of these captions… someone else do this one.	Too bad this wasn’t real.	King Lincoln on his throne.	Gage	And again.	Hooks, day 2, shirt 1.
Have salmon, will travel.	Woman on chair.	Hooks losing patience with the whole condo crap.	Fucker!	No more condo… but at least you got that cool hat.	Kids in the sand.	I’m captioned out.
He looks like that Jerry McGwire kid.	Me ignoring Max’s distaste for photography.	No harmonicas, but we can rent a karaoke machine!	Me pooping. No I didn’t use the baby wipes.	Rocky Point skyline.	Braken puffin on Mike’s cigar.	Luke waiting for the ole bottle trick.
It’s Shane.	Beads n’ shells.	Ceramic Jesus is watching.	Finally a store that sells Rap Music.	Poster 1	Poster 2	Poster 3… ok I’m done.
Mrs. Johnson getting her Thrifty fix.	Nice new sunglasses!	Ice cream makes everyone happy.	Very serious licker.	Then again…	Bob is a lucky man.	This guy again.
Plates.	Mint chocolate chip boob.	More Mexican chachskies.	Sorry, Hooks, it’s a trick!	Michelle trying on other people’s head lice.	My sweat tiger stripes.	Awwwww… friends.
Super Max.	Lincoln on the bongos.	1, 2, 3, 4…. 4 chins… ah ha ha ha ha!	Max, about to make a break for it.	My big head.	B and M.	Bracken resting up for a fun filled evening.
Mike resting while the batteries charge on his PSP.	I followed him out just to watch him fall.	I win!!!	Donny explaining why he’s never wrong.	Melissa in her Guacamole green shirt.	Pure evil.	There’s only one Mrs. Johnson… ok… two.
Go Wildcats!	Luke pretending he’s having a good time.	More sky and water and sand.	And bush.	Pretty.	Lincoln warming up his maracas.	Sunset
More sunset.	Sisters.	See previous caption.	Beach Boy and the Shrimp Shack Shooters.	Check, check one… check.	Nice fingering!	Beach strumming his G-String.
—-	Rory Hooks, master of the first verse.	Shrimp.	All we’re missing is Frankie and Annette.	Michelle stepping in poop.	It’s fun being a girl!	Melissa and Jenny.
The alcohol is starting to take effect.		I’m willing to put another 20 bucks on this one.	Bracken pre Brack Attack	The evening slowly heads downhill.	OK… I’ll refrained from making any gay references… but c’mon!	Big Red droppin’ heavy.
Hooks trying to remember the first verse from that one song.	Me pooping again. I broke off 4 that weekend!	Bracken in mid rant.	Rant complete… commence vomiting!	What a mess.	Shrimp anyone?	Holy geez… this is gross!
Larry and Nemo marveling at the effects of the Brack Attack.	Jenny’s little feet.	Just when you thought I couldn’t take another picture of the water.	The morning after.	Can you identify your attacker?	Big Red ready to go home.	Daddy why is there shrimp all over the sand out there??
He won’t stop dancing.	Time to pack up the blue caterpillar bee thingy.	The Brack Attack strikes back! Sorry Bracken!	Our pretty condos.	Donny blending in.	Shane.	Captain Broccoli
Load em up and ship em out.	Superstar!	Lincoln on his 5th Brack Attack.	6th	The desert.	Hooks.	Hey, I’m actually not on a toilet!
I’ll use Larry instead.	Lincoln.	And finally we’re at Pizza Hut.

As requested, here are 50 things I love. I had to really stretch the meaning of love on some of these, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m severely lacking love in my life. No wonder I’m so grumpy all the time.

Anyway, read on, young jedi…

50 Things I love (revised 8/8/07)

1. Kennedy
2. My Dad.
3. My cat.
4. Other select members of my family (Mom, Carol, Helene, Lisa & John, Grandma, Justin, Jordan, Uncle Steve, Uncle Richie & Lisa and the kids… That’s about it.)
5. Children
6. Sushi.
7. Bagels, lox, and cream cheese prepared the way my Grandpa used to do it every Sunday for years before he died.
8. Fishing trips with my Dad and Grandpa.
9. Good people with good hearts.
10. Lucky Charms and Frosted Mini Wheats
11. Grilled cheese and tomato soup.
12. That first sip of beer after a long day at work.
13. The smell of rain on hot concrete.
14. Cold feet and cold hands.
15. Soft green grass… not this razor blade shitty kind here in AZ.
16. Food Network, TLC, HGTV, Bravo
17. Alias
18. That crazy, swirly, shortness of breath, dizzy, drunk, headachy feeling you get from a great kiss.
19. Being wrong.
20. Writing.
21. Sabret hot dogs with deli mustard and onions in the red sauce from a NY street vendor.
22. Comedy.
23. The Bentley Continental GT.
24. Technology.
25. Music.
26. Giving massages. But only to people who ask. Not like the creepy guy in the office who comes up behind you and starts rubbing your shoulders, and then leans over and makes this noise right behind your ear: Mmmmmmmm…
27. ASU Women’s Basketball
28. Intelligent conversation (which is very different from talking to a smart person.)
29. People who get me.
30. The World Trade Center
31. Baseball caps.
32. A new pair of sneakers.
33. Compressed air in a can.
34. A fresh pack of underwear.
35. Everything having to do with touching a woman.
36. Midnight Run w/ Robert DeNiro & Charles Grodin
37. The bread pudding they serve at Eddie V’s in North Scottsdale.
38. The annual group trip to Rocky Point (September 29th!!!)
39. Frost Valley YMCA
40. All the true friends I’ve had throughout the years.
41. High-speed Internet.
42. A well thought out system.
43. Old couples who are still in love.
44. After days and days of picking, finally yanking out that ingrown hair.
45. Learning.
46. Hardwood floors.
47. New car smell.
48. Pistachio Ice Cream.
49. Camping.
50. The Yankees.
51. Making people laugh. (Yeah.. I know that’s 51)

How many products have you ever bought off the TV? I’m ashamed to say I’ve purchased Tony Robbins’ Tapes, The Ab Cruncher Thingy, The Ab Electrocute Yourself Thingy, DD7, Tae-Bo, NADS, Epilstop, and a George Foreman Grill. I almost broke down and bought the Magic Bullet Blender and the Miracle Blade knife set, but I slapped myself in the face a few times and talked myself out of it. Out of all of those things, the Foreman Grill is still sitting on my counter like a true champion. I love that thing. In fact, I made some chicken on it tonight!

That reminds me, I’ve been pretty good on my diet and exercise plan . Before I waste away, I think I should post a before picture:

Ok, that’s not really me. Actually it’s a good friend of mine who almost got killed in an ATV accident in Rocky Point last year. By the way, he’s in his 40′s, extremely sweet, very spiritual, mellow, and single. If anyone knows any ladies who like a dark chunky brother with an amazing singing voice, let me know. If anyone deserves a good woman, he does.

(UPDATE: Mr Hooks, pictured above, has since found a mate and is now happily married.)

Just in case anyone was wondering, I completely made up the results of my survey. The truth is, only one person responded to it (the woman who said she would make love to a mountain lion.) Thinking back on it now, it sure seems like a lot of work just to make up all that stuff. I still think it made for some entertaining reading.

Right now, however, I’m having a little writer’s block. I thought of a bunch of things I wanted to write about today, but I completely forgot most of them. Oh well, maybe I’ll post again later.