Ha ha ha! Comedy Eric Schneider, Comedian

How many products have you ever bought off the TV? I’m ashamed to say I’ve purchased Tony Robbins’ Tapes, The Ab Cruncher Thingy, The Ab Electrocute Yourself Thingy, DD7, Tae-Bo, NADS, Epilstop, and a George Foreman Grill. I almost broke down and bought the Magic Bullet Blender and the Miracle Blade knife set, but I slapped myself in the face a few times and talked myself out of it. Out of all of those things, the Foreman Grill is still sitting on my counter like a true champion. I love that thing. In fact, I made some chicken on it tonight!

That reminds me, I’ve been pretty good on my diet and exercise plan . Before I waste away, I think I should post a before picture:

Ok, that’s not really me. Actually it’s a good friend of mine who almost got killed in an ATV accident in Rocky Point last year. By the way, he’s in his 40′s, extremely sweet, very spiritual, mellow, and single. If anyone knows any ladies who like a dark chunky brother with an amazing singing voice, let me know. If anyone deserves a good woman, he does.

(UPDATE: Mr Hooks, pictured above, has since found a mate and is now happily married.)

Just in case anyone was wondering, I completely made up the results of my survey. The truth is, only one person responded to it (the woman who said she would make love to a mountain lion.) Thinking back on it now, it sure seems like a lot of work just to make up all that stuff. I still think it made for some entertaining reading.

Right now, however, I’m having a little writer’s block. I thought of a bunch of things I wanted to write about today, but I completely forgot most of them. Oh well, maybe I’ll post again later.

ZZzzzz ZZZZzzzzzzz….

Holy crap am I bored or what? The only thing keeping me awake is my co-worker yelling at her kids over the phone. I hate when parents drag their kids’ drama into the workplace. Maybe I’m mean, but I don’t care about other people’s kids. Wait, let me clarify. I love kids. It’s the parents I don’t care for. Especially when their kids are small and you have to hear them brag about how talented their 2 yr old is: Oh, little Mikey bangs on the table. He’s gonna be a famous drummer! And little Kathy plays with her own poop. She’s going to be a famous sculptor! Whatever! Come talk to me when little Kathy is 15 and she’s hopped on crystal meth and getting doinked by 50yr old perverts so she can pay for her next score.

Lots of my friends have kids now, and it’s almost impossible for them to talk about anything other than their children. EVER! I was at a strip club with a friend and this chick jumps up on the pole upside down, spreads her legs, and starts spinning around like a helicopter. There’s boobs and cooch flying everywhere and my friend says “Lincoln would have such a good time here. He’d ask to slide down the fireman’s pole.”

I don’t know, but I just don’t want to be thinking about my friend’s 2yr. old son when I’m staring at naked women. Sorta ruins the mood.

I can’t wait until I have kids, I’m going to bore the fuck out of everyone within a 3 mile radius with every mundane detail about my child. I’m going to force everyone to know the color of its poop to every new sound they make. In fact, I’m going publish a newsletter and make everyone I know read it while I read over their shoulders and comment and point at everything I wrote. Then, I’ll make them laugh at all the  things only I find cute and funny.

How’d I get off on that whole tangent? I was supposed to be talking about how bored I am at work.

OH, by the way, my little questionnaire thingy is going great. I have about 40 responses so far and I’m really accumulating some great data. I think you’ll find it pretty interesting. I’m going to wait until next week to tally up everything and publish the results and my conclusion.

Submit your answers if you haven’t done so already.

I have to go now… later!

Well, it looks like I scared you all away with that dream log, huh? It’s probably best then if I don’t share any more of my inner psyche with you guys. Maybe I’ll stick to the more conventional forms of reflection and self discovery like those little quizzes everyone does on Myspace that ask “When was the last time you cried?” or “How long was your longest relationship?”

Don’t you guys ever get sick of posting those questionnaires, and doing those tests, and finding out what kind of porn star, breakfast cereal, or animal you are? Can you imagine how many little quizzes n’ stuff are actually floating around Myspace right now? There must be thousands. I wonder what happens with all that data. I wonder if there’s some marketing company out there secretly compiling what our favorite colors are or how many blow jobs we’ve given (so far I’m at zero).

So, in the name of science, developed my own survey and asked the thought provoking questions people really want to know.

Please take a few moments to answer th following questions. Once I have accumulated sufficient data, I will post the results, and maybe analyze what it all means. Answer honestly and it won’t hurt as much. Oh and don’t stress about providing your email address, I’m not going to send you anything or put you on any lists.