Posts Tagged ‘ women ’

Ladies’ Man

Posted by Eric Schneider September 16, 2006
Categories: Everyday Life | No Comments

When we last left our lovable, yet unlucky hero, I was being “evicted” from my apartment. I have since left that crazy situation and found a nice little place only a mile and a half from the last one. Although the commute is not as convenient as it used to be, I don’t have to worry about drug addicts and well… drug addicts. I think that’s enough to worry about.

I’m now shacked up with two new roommates, Seth and Hector; both of whom are 110% gayer than gay. I guess that makes them 420% gay. Seth, however, claims that he’s not really gay because he has no interest in fashion nor interior design, he just sleeps with men.

Being the only heterosexual person in our house, I have acquired a renewed sense of masculinity. I started exercising again, and I was successful in luring two ladies back to my bedroom (not at the same time). Now I’m not going to go as far as saying I fulfilled their every sexual desire, but let’s just say, one of them, I haven’t seen since, and the other is now moving to a different state and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. They don’t call me Mr. Lova-lova for nothing.

Both jobs are still going well. Tonight was the annual talent show at the retirement community. It was a full half hour of non-stop singing, poetry, and dancing. A grand time was had by all! I really love those old folks. :)

As I watched them sing and dance tonight, I thought how sad it is that many of them may not be around for next year’s talent show. That’s probably the only downside to this job. You never know who will be there the next day and who won’t. So I do my best to do as much as I can for them while they’re here.

That’s about all that’s going on right now. I keep saying I’m going to write on a more consistent basis but you know how that goes.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Schneider… out!

Gender Bender

Posted by Eric Schneider December 9, 2005
Categories: Commentary, Everyday Life | 1 Comment

So it’s Friday night. I’m home alone with my cat on my lap, drinking a glass of wine and unwinding from a pretty stupid day at the office. I’ve had this job for 7 months now and I have to say it’s the best AND the worst job I ever had. It’s the best because I make decent money, and there’s plenty of opportunity for further financial gain. My office is in a beautiful area, and the clients are pleasant. It’s really not a bad gig.

On the other hand, my boss is a complete nut job. I’m not going to bother giving details because I lack the vocabulary to really express how crazy she is in a way that you would share my pain. Also, I somehow ended up being the designated “computer guy” at the office because once people find out you know how to operate a mouse, all of a sudden they stop trying to do things themselves. It takes me twice as long to get my work done during the day because I’m constantly helping other people with computer tasks. The other downside to my job is I work mainly with women. Actually we just added another guy, but he’s gay.

For most of my adult life, I’ve worked industries dominated by men. In an office full of men, you go to work, you work, you talk about women and sports, you work, you complain about work, you work some more, and you go home. It’s pretty much the same thing every day. Every once in a while there’s some conflict. Maybe you butt heads with a co-worker or someone drops the ball and mess up a task. In an office full of men, conflict is easily resolved by walking up to the offending party and saying, “Hey you fucking retard, you fucked up. Don’t do that again!” He replies, “Fuck you, you fucking fuck!” You call him an asshole. He’d calls you a dick. Then it’s done! Yes, done and back to business as usual. You can walk up that same guy 2 minutes later, and everything would be fine. (Keep in mind I’m talking about lateral confrontation, not how you would go about handling a problem with a boss or subordinate.)

Working with women is NOTHING like that. As I mentioned, I’ve been at my job for 7 months and, at least twice a week, without fail, I have to have a “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” conversation with someone. Never before, have I had to say apologize to a co-worker for hurting their feelings. Never in my career have I seen anyone cry at work and storm out of the room. And not necessarily because I made them cry. Sometimes they cry when they lose a deal, or when a customer yells at them, or they just remember something from their childhood and they start crying for no reason.

So yeah, my office is definitely a hotbed of emotions and sensitivity. Oh, how I long for the days when I could critique a co-worker’s performance without them taking offense. Now, if I say boo to someone, they think I’m insulting their very being or implying that they can’t do something as well as a man can. And if an argument with someone escalates beyond two or three exchanges, forget about it, they won’t talk to me for the rest of the day. Sometimes longer.

Look, I’m not a bully. Far from it, but when it comes to work, it’s just work, and when there’s a job to be done, you do it. When it doesn’t get done, or gets done poorly, there needs to be a way to resolving issues quickly without having to tip toe around people’s feelings. I kinda look at relationships with co-workers kinda like boxers. Outside the ring, you could be friends with another fighter, but inside the ring, you have to beat the shit out of each other in order to do your job. It’s nothing personal.

I have a feeling I’m sounding like a real douche right now. :P

So here’s what happened today. The boss walked into our office, and said to Rosemary, “Rosemary, I want you to list Ryan’s property in the MLS Online and have Eric teach you how to post pictures of the property.”

A few hours later, Ryan walked in and asked, “Rosemary did you post the pictures yet?”

Rosemary: “No, I’m waiting for Eric to show me how.”

Me: “I’m ready. I’ve been ready. Let’s do it.”

Rosemary:”Ok, give me like two minutes.”

A few hours later Ryan walked in again and asked, “Rosemary did you post those pictures yet?”

Rosemary: “No, I’m still waiting on Eric.”

Me: “Waiting on me? I’m ready. Let’s do this.”

Rosemary: “Ok. Lemme just make this call real quick.”

The third time Ryan walked in, Rosemary blamed me again for not posting the pictures. I got pissed off and snapped at her, “For Christ’s sake Rosemary, how fucking hard is it to post pictures on a listing? While you were “waiting” on me, did you even try to do it? There are 5 fucking buttons to click on, and only ONE of them says ‘Edit Listing’! Did you even think of clicking on that?!?!”

*CLICK*

Me: “GOOD JOB! Now click on the button that says ‘Add Pictures’!”

Rosemary: “Forget it, I’ll do it myself!”

Ryan:”Oooooh, she’s mad at you now, Eric.”

Me: “Good! Maybe she’ll learn a little self-reliance.”

So Rosemary started crying, got up, sending her chair flying across the room, and stormed out of the office. She came back 10 minutes later, and didn’t say a word to me for the rest of the day. Granted, it wasn’t much of a “punishment”, but what a pain in the ass. Over absolutely nothing!

Monday, I’m going to have to apologize. I’ll have to pretend that I was stressed out over something else, and acknowledge that it was still no excuse for being so rude. Blah blah blah. But that’s bullshit! I go from the person trying to help her to being a heartless prick while she goes from being an incompetent retard to helpless victim. I bet she thinks that she was the one just trying to do her job, and I refused to help her. Whatever!

Anyone know a good florist? :P

eCacophony

Posted by Eric Schneider August 29, 2005
Categories: Commentary, Everyday Life | 2 Comments

Hellooooo everybodieeeeeee!!! I’m back from California, and I’m completely exhausted. The seminar went great and it resulted in lots of future moolah. The weather was beautiful. The food was delish. The women were pretty spicy. The hotel was phenomenal. Aaaaand, I looked pretty spiffy in my new suit.

That’s all I have to say about that.

So, I did it again! I couldn’t resist. I was hornswaggled by them there marketing people on that there television set.

Persuaded by a TV advertisement, I joined eHarmony.com; taking another stab at finding love online. eHarmony offers their patented 359 point personality profile which ranks you in 29 dimensions deemed “crucial for relationship success.” THEN they match you with people who, according to their research, are scientifically compatible with you. It sounded pretty simple, and the guy in the commercial seemed very sincere, so I dropped $90 and signed up for 6 months; joining the ranks of thousands of other suckers.

To start out, I logged on and spent over an hour filling out their questionnaire. The problem with the types of questions they ask is, the people who are answering them are so socially retarded when it comes to the opposite sex, they have no clue what they want and can’t think of why anyone would want them. So, by the time I was done, I had successfully built a personality profile of a desperate loser with major insecurities and self-esteem issues. An hour in, and I was ready to put a bullet in my head.

Nevertheless, I still clung to a small shred of optimism! I figured there has to be someone out there for me. I crossed my fingers and clicked on “Get My Results”. Well, it turns out that according to their analysis, I am attracted to the female personality type, which 90 percent of all men are attracted to. Go figure :P . Unfortunately, only 4 percent of all women are attracted to my personality type. That means out of every 25 women only one would be attracted to my personality alone! Now eHarmony doesn’t seem to think that physical attraction means anything, but you and I know better. And that led me to ask myself, if only 4 out of 100 women would like my personality, how many of those 4 would find me physically attractive too? Mathematically speaking, things did not look too promising.

Even though the odds seemed stacked against me, I still pressed on. I filled out the rest of my profile, posted a few pictures, and before long, I was ready to submit my info to their matchmaking system to see what love had to offer. I clicked “send” and was taken to a page which assured me they were working hard to find my potential mate, and advised me to be patient, as these sorts of things take time and should not be rushed.

After what I think was 2 minutes of fake searching, it spit out only 3 matches. 3 out of the entire state of Arizona. 3! Granted it doesn’t tell you how many people are signed up with them, but 3?!? C’mon! I wondered how many people just throw in the towel and turn gay after going through this process.

Anyway, I said “F that!”, and I decided to cancel my membership. It took me a while to find the cancel link, and when I clicked it, it took me to to a FAQ page. I guess they want to make sure you completely understand how everything works before you decide to cancel. The one question on the FAQ page that caught my eye was “Why do I have so few matches?” The way they explain it, it’s because their system is soooooo advanced, they don’t give you just any long list of potential mates like other sites do. They supply fewer, but much more qualified and compatible matches. They even go so far as to guarantee 7 – 12 matches for the whole year! Then they remind you that it could take several years to find the right match, but you shouldn’t give up! Oh no… never give up, and don’t stop sending them money.

Since I didn’t need to pay them to help me stay single for a few more years, I proceeded with the cancellation. All I had to do now was click here… then click there to be sure… then another click to verify… then click again to approve, and voila! WHAT THE FUCK!?! In order to complete the cancellation, I had to call them on the phone!!! Of course it was already too late to call at that time, so I had to wait until the next day. The next morning, when I dialed the number, I got a message saying, “We’re sorry, our system is currently down for routine maintenance. Please call back again. Thank you!” I got the same message the next day, and the day after that. The following day, I had to go to California and didn’t try to call while I was there.

To make a long story short, I passed my free trial period, and I’m stuck with 6 months of reminders of how not compatible I am with women. So, I’d like to take this time to send out a heart felt “Go fuck yourself!” to eHarmony.com

Thank you very much, and have a good night.

Oh, if there happens to be an eHarmony.com ad below this post, don’t click on it!

Personal Ads: What Women Really Mean

Posted by Eric Schneider August 22, 2005
Categories: Commentary, Everyday Life | No Comments

I have been using the Internet to meet women for over 13 years. That’s before the Internet even had pictures! In that time, I’ve tried almost every dating site, talked to hundreds of mentally unstable women, been on countless, tortuous blind dates, been stalked, stood-up, tricked into meeting gay guys, and even had one successful booty call (although I had to drive like 4 hours one way to get it).

13 years later and I’m still at it. What am I, retarded? :|

Anyway, after years of reading personal ads and dating profiles, I discovered that women have a code; a secret code they use to say one thing but really mean another. If you know how to crack the code, you can avoid being disappointed, and possibly have a better chance of finding that special someone.

Here are the 8 most common code phrases used by women in online dating profiles along with their never before revealed decoded definitions.

  1. “I’m laid back.”
    “I smoke weed.”
  2. “I’m just one of the guys.”
    “I’ve been banged by 20 different guys and we all still like to get together to watch football on Sundays. Oh, and don’t expect me to stop hanging out with them just because we start dating.”
  3. “I’m tired of games.”
    “I’m only happy when men treat me like shit. Expect frequent confrontations with my ex-boyfriend.”
  4. “I’m religious.”
    “I have 3 kids, a failed marriage, and a dead-end job.”
  5. “I’m independent.”
    “I have serious commitment issues, and possibly some gender equality hang-ups.”
  6. “I like a guy who can make me laugh.”
    “Fuck sense of humor! If you’re really good looking, you can fart under the covers and I’ll think it’s funny!”
  7. “I’m not looking for a one night stand.”
    “I have a kid and have no idea who or where the father is. If you play your cards right and promise to call me, I’ll let you get into my pants on the first date.”
  8. “I’ll try anything once.”
    “I take it in the butt.”

There you go! The code has been cracked! I hope this helps my fellow online Don Juans. Feel free to post your deciphered codes in the comment section below.

Until next time…

Fan Mail Friday

Posted by Eric Schneider July 22, 2005
Categories: Commentary, Fan Mail | No Comments

In response to my post, “Hodge Podge” about pursuing a married woman, a fan writes:

Why go for the married chick?  Not that I’m against it… is it the challenge???

Dear Fan,

It’s simple really.  Single women aren’t dissatisfied with their husbands because they don’t have husbands.  Single women still don’t know the reality of men and marriage.  They’re still out there looking for Mr. Frosted Spiky Hair with the great abs, tan skin, nice car, good job, and oh yeah… “he has to have a really great sense of humor and make me laugh”.

*KNOCK KNOCK* Reality calling… that guy doesn’t exist outside of your television.

Married women have actually figured this out albeit a few years and a few kids too late.  Now they’re stuck in unhappy marriages to guys who aren’t attentive to their needs, guys who cheat, guys who care more about drinking than spending time with their kids, guys who were considered “quite the catch” back in their hey days.  The nice guys, of course, finished last.

So, no, it’s not the challenge of trying to lure a woman away from their spouse.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  It’s the women who usually reveal that they are unhappy and feeling emotionally and sexually neglected.  And they gravitate toward men who are willing to listen and pay attention to them.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t prey on unhappily married women.   I just think there’s someone for everyone.  But what if my someone got married already?  Shit, what if my someone lives in Nigeria?  Then I’m really screwed!  The good news is, there are probably multiple someones for everyone, so even if the first someone doesn’t work out, you can still find another someone.  Some people are lucky enough to have multiple someones at the same time.  Me?  I’m not that good.

The bottom line is, I owe it to myself to seek out my own happiness.  As long as I’m not trying to destroy a functioning relationship, and not using someone for sex or money, am I really doing anything wrong? Yeah I guess there’s that whole “thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife” thing but I think the weight of the moral dilemma lies mostly on the woman.  But that’s a whole other story.

There you have it, my complete justification of pursuing a married woman.  I’ll save a seat for you all in hell.

Are You Kidding Me?!?!

Posted by Eric Schneider July 20, 2005
Categories: Commentary, Everyday Life | No Comments

OK… so I’m browsing through one of the dating sites today, not more than a few hours after posting my last bloggy about glamour shots, and I come across this girl.  Can you believe she is a year YOUNGER than I am?!?!

Today, I hereby call upon the women of the world, and implore them to put an end to this travesty of photography!  Say “NO!” to galamour shots, and say “NO!” to feather boas! Together, we can make a difference!

I’m going to be single forever. :(